Sarcasm Jokes - Page 3

Last year, I went to America on a mountain climbing holiday. I had an accident, and fell 30ft.
I broke both my legs and was bleeding heavily.
I managed to make it to a road, where I flagged down a car which drove me to the hospital.
I crawled into the waiting room, and two nurses ran over to me.
“Oh my God, are you alright?” one of them shouted.
I said, “I’m absolutely fine, why do you ask?” before passing out.
After waking up in the same spot 6 hours later, I realised there’s a time and a place for sarcasm.

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A woman and her son were taking a cab in New York City. It was raining and all the hookers were standing under the awnings.
“Mom,” said the little boy, “what are all those women doing?”
“They’re waiting for their husbands to get off work,” she replied.
The cabbie turns around and says, “Geez lady, why don’t you tell him the truth? They ‘re hookers, boy! They have sеx with men for money.”
The little boy’s eyes get wide and he says, “Is that true, Mom?”
His mother, glaring hard at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative.
After a few minutes, the kid asks, “Mom, what happens to the babies those women have?”
“Most of them become cab drivers,” she said.

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Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Money jokes Kids Jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes Sarcasm Jokes

A young high school girl is walking past a construction site when one of the builders yells out, “Hey gorgeous! Why don’t you come over here and sit on my face?
Without even blinking an eye,she yells back,”Why,sweetheart,is your nose вiggеr than your соск!!!”

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School Jokes Sarcasm Jokes

This kid about ten tears old was being a right little сunт with his mum and dad in the supermarket,
“Are you by any chance an only child? ” I asked him,
“Yeah, why? What;s it got to do with you? ” He replied.
“Nothing, ” I said, “but I can see why they stopped. “

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Kids Jokes Dad Jokes Sarcasm Jokes

Some bloke walked up to the counter and said, “Burger and сhiрs, please.”
“Certainly, Sir,” I replied. “Are you eating in or taking out?”
“Fuск off you сunт,” he snapped, before walking off with his food.
I love working in the prison canteen.

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Office and Work Jokes Food Jokes Sarcasm Jokes

In the competition of female logics, a random number generator won.

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Jokes about Women Sarcasm Jokes

“I love you loads, honey pie.” My wife said earlier.
“And I love you tons.” I replied.
“What, no nickname for me?” She asked, disappointed.
Sometimes I swear the fат соw’s going deaf.

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Fat Jokes Sarcasm Jokes

When I was single, I never was into the whole bar scene. I just wasn’t very good at it. I never quite mastered the art of the “pick up line.”
For instance, there was this drop dead gorgeous blonde at this bar I went to one time. I dragged up my courage, walked over to her, and in my most suave voice said, “Hey, sеxy girl, can I buy you a drink?”
She diverted her gaze towards me. Gorgeous blue eyes. Beautiful ruby-red lips. Вrеаsтs to die for. She licked her lips and said, “Tell me, do you like sеx?”
Oh my. Better than I could have hoped for. “Yes, I love sеx.”
“Wonderful,” she said, coming a little closer, “Do you like to travel?”
“Oh yeah. I love to travel.”
“Good,” she said, “then fсuк off.”

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Blonde Jokes Sex Jokes Single People Jokes Sarcasm Jokes

When I was a kid, I had an auntie who used to always call me by my brother’s name.
It really рissеd me off.
Finally, I just snapped.
I said, ‘You are the biggest fсuкing idiот I’ve ever met.’
She got all upset, and rang my dad.
My brother still has the scars from the beating he got.

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Kids Jokes Dad Jokes Sarcasm Jokes

(This is a true account of my advice to my pre-teen a few years back. We all know, for the most part that 5th grade boys haven’t started to develop, yet they are still proud of their alleged superiority and having “something” that girls don’t have, and ages ten and eleven are among the ugliest ages for taunting and bullying during “recess” and on the school buses.)
So my ten year old confides in me that a group of boys taunt her every day that she is a “Pirate’s Dream,” with a “sunken chest.” So I asked her: “Who is the ‘ringleader?'”
She told me, and I said, “Tomorrow, look him straight in the eye, and respond, ‘You’re a fine one to talk, centimeter peter.’ ”
Two days later, she said, “I did you one better, daddy, I called him ‘millimeter peter’ and all his friends laughed at him as he slunk away in shame.”
She never had any further trouble and by age 16, she had a more than respectable rack.

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School Jokes Friendship Jokes Sarcasm Jokes Pirate Jokes

There was only 2 things I was good at in school... Maths.

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School Jokes Sarcasm Jokes

Lawyers really aren't so bad, it's just ninety-nine percent of lawyers that make the rest look bad.

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Lawyer Jokes Sarcasm Jokes

My daughter’s school teacher rang me today.
“Young Sarah didn’t turn up for school today?” he said.
“I know, her mother died yesterday,” I replied. “So she won’t be back for a while.”
“Sorry to hear that,” he sighed. “How’s she getting on?”
“Very well,” I replied. “She’s on her third lot of laundry and has already prepared dinner.”

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School Jokes Sarcasm Jokes

At a local college there was a dance. A guy from America asked a girl from Sweden to dance.
While they were dancing he gives her a little squeeze and says, “In America we call this a hug.”
She says, “Yaah, in Sweden, we call it a hug too.”
A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek and says, “In America we call this a kiss.”
She says, “Yaah, in Sweden we call it a kiss too.”
Later that evening after quite a few drinks, he takes her out on the campus lawn and proceeds to have sеx with her and says, “In America we call this a grass sandwich.”
She says, “Yaaah, in Sweden we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it.”

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USA Jokes Sex Jokes Sarcasm Jokes

So my mate is telling me how he traded insult for insult last night.
Seems he picked up this ditzy airhead in the pub and they went back to her apartment. She suddenly stopped their love-making.
“What’s wrong?” he asked “Did I do something wrong? Say something wrong?”
He said she just lay there, rolling her eyes and she said, “Nothing. I don’t want to talk about it.”
So he knows something is wrong and so he just talks to her for a while to settle her down, then asks her again, “Now tell me what’s wrong.”
She says, “Well, I hate to hurt your feelings, but to be perfectly honest, your оrgаn is just too small.”
My friend feels lower than a snake’s belt buckle, but he hits back hard, saying, “Well, sweetie, my оrgаn was never meant to play in a cathedral.”

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Insult Jokes Friendship Jokes Sarcasm Jokes

How to lose an argument with a woman: 1) Argue.

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Jokes about Women Sarcasm Jokes

A girl recently told me that women really don’t like having arguments and fights.
I thought, “yeah, in the same way that men, don’t like вееr and роrnоgrарhy.”

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Jokes about Women Men jokes Sarcasm Jokes

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy’s, one of the largest department store chains.
He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, “I’d like to buy a вrа for my wife”
“What type of вrа?” asked the clerk.
“Type?” inquires the man “There is more than one type?”
“Look Around,” said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size color and material.
“Actually, even with all of this variety, there are reallyonly three types of bras,” replied the salesclerk.
Confused, the man asked what were the types.
The saleslady replied “The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?”
Still confused the man asked, “What is the difference between them?”
The lady responded “It is all really quite simple.
The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.

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Jokes about Women Men jokes Sarcasm Jokes

Me and my flat chested wife went to see a marriage counsellor today. The counsellor asked us; “What seems to be the problem?”
“Well,” I said, “Dolly Parton here thinks I’m too sarcastic.”

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Marriage and Family Jokes Sarcasm Jokes

Whilst walking down my local high street I was approached by a charity worker.
“I’m sorry to stop you sir.” she said.
“That’s ok, you haven’t. ” I replied as I carried on walking.

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Office and Work Jokes Sarcasm Jokes