Sex Jokes - Page 28

I went into the bar the other day & the bartender said:
"What'ya have?"
I said:
"Suprise me."
He did, He showed me a nакеd picture of my wife.
I said:
"Hey, who said you could mess around with my wife?"
"Everyone did" he replied..."

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Sex Jokes

Q: Do you know what 69 is?
A: It's a good thing sсrеwеd up by a period.

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Jokes about Women Sex Jokes Dirty jokes

A white guy walks into a bar and asked a black guy for a bl*w job.
The black guy beat him up and threw him out of the bar.
The bartender then asked, "What did he say to you?
The black guy responded I don't know all I heard is something about a job!!

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An old couple decide to get married after years of courting.
They sit down to discuss the marriage arrangements and the prospective bridegroom brings up the subject of sеx.
‘Oh dear,’ says his aging fiancée.
‘As far as sеx goes I’d have to say, infrequently.’
‘Pardon?’ replies the bridegroom.
‘Was that one word or two?’

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Wedding jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Sex Jokes

That awkward moment when you're about to hug someone sеxy as hеll and then you hit the mirror.

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Sex Jokes Sarcasm Jokes

Two policemen are walking the beat when one says, ‘When I get home, I’m going straight upstairs and tearing off the wife’s underwear.’
‘Feelling rаndy?’ asks the other.
‘No,’ says the first. ‘The elastic is killing me.’

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Police Officer Jokes Sex Jokes

Q: How do you make your wife scream while having sеx?
A: Call her and tell her.

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A man limps into a bar with a cane and alligator.
The bartender stops him and says "Hold on a second here - you can't bring that animal in here, they aren't allowed!"
So the man says, "But my gator here does a really cool trick..."
The bartender says "Well then, lets see!"
So the man whips out his diск and shoves it in the gators mouth.
He then takes his cane and starts bashing the gator in the head with it.
A crowd gathers around and everyone is astonished when he pulls out his diск without a single scratch.
He looks around at the crowd and says, "Does anyone else want to try?"
An old lady raises her hand and says..."Sure, but don't hit me with that stick."

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A husband and wife are walking down the street when a beautiful young woman blows the husband a kiss.
‘I met her last week,’ explains the husband.
‘Professionally of course.’
The wife replies, ‘Which profession?
Yours or hers?’

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Marriage and Family Jokes Jokes about Women Sex Jokes

Three couples marry and stay at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where they are taken care of by Dave the bellboy.
The first man married a nurse.
Dave thinks to himself, "Nurses are known to be hot to trot."
The second man married a telephone operator.
Dave thinks to himself, "Telephone operators have sеxy voices."
The third man married a school teacher.
Dave thinks to himself, "Poor guy, teachers are frigid."
The next morning, Dave reports to work and gets a room service call from the nurse's husband.
He sourly says, "Don't ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was 'You're not sanitary, you're not sanitary.'"
Then, the telephone operator's husband calls and sourly says, "Don't ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was 'Your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up.'"
Later that afternoon, the teacher's husband calls and happily says, "When you marry, be sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard last night was 'We are going to do this over and over until we get right.'"

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There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sеxuаl arousal, particularly in women.
Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.
Steve Martin

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Man, to woman, ‘Am I the first man you ever made love to?’
Woman, ‘You might be.
Now you come to mention it, your face does look familiar.’

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A tourist in Sweden is drinking in a bar when an attractive woman sits next to him.
‘Hello,’ he says.
‘Do you speak English?’
‘Oh I speaking not much English,’ replies the woman.
‘How much?’ asks the man.
The woman replies, ‘200 Kroner.’

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Guy having sеx says "dамn вiтсh, there should be a law against sеx this good."
To which the girl replies "I think there is daddy..."

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So I was at the local corner store one night and bought a pack of condoms.
I went up to pay for them and the store clerk said would you like a bag?
I said No, she's not that ugly.
Then the 3 ladies behind me started giggling and I said wait sir, you'd better make that 3 packs.

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Sex Jokes Life Jokes

Q: Why did the gаy man take two aspirin with his Viаgrа?
A: So sеx wouldn't be such a pain in the аrsе.

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Q: Ever had sеx while camping?
A: It's fuскing intents.

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Sex Jokes Dirty jokes

Three drifters are roaming the countryside for some time. They come upon a small farmhouse with crops planted around it. They are very hungry, thirsty, and tired so the first guy suggests they steal some food.
The second says they should ask for food, so he then goes up and knocks on the door and an old, ugly lady answers. He asks for food and she agrees - but only under one condition. They must have sеx with her.
The first drifter says no, the lady is too ugly, and goes back into the woods.
The third guy is very hungry and agrees. He enters the cottage and goes into a corner near a pile of corn to transact his business with the old lady. The old lady is ready, but the guy says he'll only do it if she's blindfolded.
So she puts on a blindfold and bends over. Quickly the guy grabs an ear of corn and sticks it inside the old lady, then throws it out the window. The woman says, "Again," and the man does the same thing. Satisfied, she gives the man some food and he leaves. As he is walking out of the farmhouse, he comes upon the other two guys.
"Guess what?" the first guy says, "while you sсrеwеd that old hag we found two ears of cream corn!"

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There are three types of sеx in a marriage. The first one is Kitchen Sеx. This is when you are newlyweds, and you're still having fun, so you do it anywhere, anytime - but mostly the kitchen.
The second type is Bedroom Sеx. This is when you have settled down a bit and probably have kids, so you can't do it anywhere except the bedroom.
The third type of sеx is Hallway Sеx. This is when you pass each other in the hall and say, ''Sсrеw you.''
But there's also a fourth kind called Courtroom Sеx. This is when you are getting a divorce and you try to sсrеw each other in public.

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Q: What does a good steak have in common with good sеx?
A: They're both very rare.

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