Stupid / Dumb Jokes

I knocked on my neighbour’s door and noticed my wife’s shoes and handbag in the hallway, so I punched him in the mouth.
No-one steals from my family.

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Two guys went to a gas station that was holding a contest: a chance to win free sеx when you filled your tank. They pumped their gas and went to pay the male attendant.
“I’m thinking of a number between one and ten,” he said. “If you guess right, you win free sеx.”
“Okay,” agreed one of the guys, “I guess seven.”
“Sorry, I was thinking of eight,” replied the attendant.
The next week they tried again. When they went to pay, the attendant told them to pick a number.
“Two!” said the second guy.
“Sorry, it’s three, said the attendant. “Come back and try again.”
As they walked out to their car, one guy said to the other, “I think this contest is rigged.”
“No way,” said his buddy. “My wife won twice last week.”

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Men jokes Sex Jokes Stupid Jokes

Last month I cut my energy bill in half.
Didn’t work though. I still had to pay the full amount.

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Office and Work Jokes Stupid Jokes

Ollie died, so Lena went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries. The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Lena what she would like to say about Ollie. ….
….
Lena replied, “You yust put ‘Ollie died’.” …
…
The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, said, “That’s it? Just ‘Ollie died?’ Surely, there must be something more you’d like to say about Ollie. If its money you’re concerned about, the first five words are free. We must say something more.”
So Lena pondered for a few minutes and finally said, “O. K. You put ‘Ollie died. Boat for sale.’ “

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Money jokes Stupid Jokes

I couldn’t afford to take my kids to Sea World.
So I took them to Billingsgate Fish Market, saying, “Shhhhh … they’re all asleep.”

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Kids Jokes Stupid Jokes

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes Friendship Jokes Stupid Jokes

Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer, and Cindy Crawford are flying to a super models conference in Paris, when the captain of the plane announces:
“We have just lost power to the engines and are going to make an emergency crash landing - assume the brace position immediately!”
Immediately the three models start preparing for the worst. Claudia pulls out lipstick and make-up and starts fixing her face. Bewildered, Naomi and Cindy ask:
“What in the hеll are you doing fixing your make-up when we are about to friggin’ crash!”
Claudia responds:
“I know for a fact the rescue workers will search for, and save first, the ones who have the best looking faces - which is why I am putting on my make-up.”
Cindy Crawford rips open her blouse to expose two beautiful mounds of flesh which inexplicably defy the law of gravity. Totally confused, Naomi and Claudia shout:
“Cindy, have you lost your senses? Why are you baring your вrеаsтs for everyone to see when we are about to die!”
Cindy responds:
“I have it on good authority in plane crashes, the rescue workers look to save first the women with big beautiful вrеаsтs - which is why I am exposing my t*ts!”
Not hesitating, Naomi Campbell pulls down her skirt and раnтiеs to expose her love triangle.” Freaking out, Claudia and Cindy yell:
“Naomi - Are you crazy?? Why are you exposing your crotch for everyone to see?”
Calmly, Naomi responds:
“ВIТСНЕS PLEASE! I know for a fact the first thing the rescue workers look for in plane crashes is a black box!”

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Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Stupid Jokes

I was standing at the train station this morning on my way to work, when I saw a little old lady trip over.
As she laid there complaining about the pain in her hip and legs, some bloke came over and said, “I’ll help you up.”
“Don’t touch her” I interrupted. “If you move her it could make the injuries worse, she needs to stay exactly where she is until the paramedics arrive.”
“That’s ridiculous” he replied.
I said, “I know what I’m doing pal, I’ve seen this kinda shiт on tv.”
So I dialled 999 and requested an ambulance.
5 minutes later I called them back and said, “Cancel that ambulance, she’s not in pain anymore.”
“She’s okay then?” asked the operator.
I said, “No, she’s dead. Hit by an express train.”

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Office and Work Jokes Stupid Jokes

I was dancing in a nightclub the other night when my friend called me a сunт…
At least I think it was him, as I had my sunglasses on at the time.

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Friendship Jokes Stupid Jokes

My girlfriend was telling me that black men’s соскs taste like cabbage.
Then I thought- how would she know that?
The fат вiтсh has never eaten cabbage in her life.

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Men jokes Fat Jokes Stupid Jokes

Luigi is bragging to his friend Pasquale: …
…
“I justa bought a piece of field that is-a 2 cm wide and-a 10 km long.” …
“What-a on Earth are you going to do with a field-a like that? … not even-a one inch by six-a miles?”
….
“Grow-a spaghetti, of course.”

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Friendship Jokes Stupid Jokes

I went to this wedding and was disgusted by the comments I was getting from people, simply because I’d brought a black girl as my date.
Everyone kept saying things like, ‘What the hеll were you thinking?’ and ‘Are you out of your mind?’. Even the bride started furiously berating me. Eventually I’d had enough.
I asked the bride, ‘What the hеll is everybody’s problem? My date can be any dамn skin colour, it’s my choice! And besides, why the hеll are you so worked up about it?’
‘Because,’ she replied, ‘you’re the fсuкing groom!’

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Office and Work Jokes Stupid Jokes

An engineering student was walking across campus with a shiny new mountain bike when he was approached by a friend, also an engineering student. The friend said, “Hey, where’d you get the great looking bike?”
The first engineer replied, “Well, i was walking across campus the other day. This beautiful woman rode up to me on her bike, ripped off all her clothes, laid down on the ground and said ‘Take anything you want!!!'”
The second engineer replied, “Good choice. Her clothes probably wouldn’t have fit anyway!”

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Jokes about Women Friendship Jokes Stupid Jokes

Ollie and Lena got married. On their honeymoon trip they were nearing Minneapolis when Ollie put his hand on Lena’s knee. …
…
Giggling, Lena said, “Ollie, you can go a little farder now if ya vant to”….
…
So Ole drove to Duluth.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Stupid Jokes

“I’m not racist,” I said to my mate, “but I prefer my sandwiches cut diagonally.”
“…but that’s not racist,” he said.
“Exactly,” I replied. “I said I wasn’t racist.”

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Ethnic and Racial Jokes Stupid Jokes

Bob and Joe, two unemployed guys, are talking. Bob says, “I’m going to become a lion tamer.”
Joe replies, “That’s crazy, you don’t know nothing about no lion taming.”
“Yes I do!” exclaimed Bob.
“Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?” asked Joe.
Bob answers, “Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, and I’ll stick it in his face until he backs down.”
“Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?” counters Joe.
“Well, then I takes that whip they all carry, and I’ll whip him and whip him until he backs down.” says Bob.
Again Joe questions, “Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?”
“Well, then I’ll take that gun they all carry, and shoot him.” said Bob.
“Well, what if that gun doesn’t work? What will you do then?” Joe adds.
Bob says, “Well, then I’ll pick up some of the shiт that’s on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of the cage.”
Joe obstinately asks, “Well, what if there ain’t no shiт in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then, huh?”
Bob smiles and says, “Well, that’s dumb. Cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don’t work, there’s going to be some shiт on the bottom of that cage, you can dамn well bet on that!”

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Office and Work Jokes Stupid Jokes

Vun day, Sven vas valking down da street ven who did he see driving a brand new Chevrolet? It vas Ollie. Ollie pulled up to him vit a vide smile. …
… …
“Ollie, vere did ya get dat car?” Sven asked.
“Lena gave it to me”.
“She gave it to you? I knew she vas sveet on you, but dis?”.
“Vell, let me tell you vat happened. Ve vere driving out on county road 6, in da middle of novere. Lena pulled off da road into da woods. She parked, got out of da car, trew off alla her clothes and said, “Ollie take vatever you vant.”…So I took da car”
“Ollie, you’re a smart man, dem clothes never voulda fit ya.”

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Men jokes Stupid Jokes

I was haggling with a shopkeeper earlier.
I said, “Come on mate. You know how this works. You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
He said, “Sir, I haven’t got all day. Do you want this backscratcher or not?”

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Office and Work Jokes Stupid Jokes

Bihar Driving License
========================================
Driving license applikason phorom.
- ---------------------
NOTE: Please do not Soot the person at the applikason kounter.
He will give you the licen.
For phurthar instructions, see bottom applikason.
1. Last name:
(_) Yadav (_) Sinha (_) Pandey (_) Misra (_) Dot no
(Check karet box)
2. First name:
(_) Ramprasad (_) Lakhan (_) Sivprasad (_) Jamnaprasad (_) Dot no
(Check karet box)
3. Age:
(_) Less than phipty (_) Greater than phipty (_) Dot no
(Check karet box)
4. Sеx: ____ M _____ P(F) _____ not sure _____not applicable
5. Chappal Size: ____ Lepht ____ Right
6. Occupason:
(_) Politison (_) Doodhwala (_) Pehelwaan (_) House wife (_) Un-employed
(Check karet box)
7. Number of children libing in the household: ___
8. Number that are yours: ___
9. Mather name: _______________________
10. Phather Name: ____________________ (If not no,leave blank)
11. Ejjuca! son: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
12. Dental rekard:
(_) Ellow (_) Berownish-ellow (_) Berown (_) Belack (_) Other -__________ Give egjhakt color
(Check karet box)
13. Your thumb imparesson :
- __________________________
(** If you are copying from another applikason pharom, please do not copy thumb impression also. Please provide your own thumb impression .)
Pelease do not use phingers of your legs
Use thumb on your lepht hand only. If you dont have lepht hand, use your thumb on right hand. If you do not have right hand, use thumb on lepht hand.
Note : if you dont have both hands, you cannot drive.
We are vary istrict about this

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Sex Jokes Stupid Jokes

Three men were flying on a plane over the jungle when it crashed.
They were the only people who survived.
They decided that starting the next morning one of them would go out and make weapons and see if he could кill anything.
So the next morning the first man went out.
He didn’t come back till about noon.
When they saw him they ran to him and helped him carry the deer back to the plane wreckage and asked him how he killed it.
He said “I find tracks… I follow tracks… I кill deer.”
So the next morning the second guy set out.
He too came back at noon.
When they saw him they ran to him and helped him carry the buffalo he had killed back to the plane wreckage and asked him how he had killed it.
He said “I find tracks… I follow tracks… I кill buffalo.”
The next morning the third guy went out.
The other two were watching and watching for him.
When it was almost sundown and he still hadn’t returned they started getting worried.
Then they saw a person stumbling towards them he looked awful, really bad cuts and a broken arm.
They went and helped him to the fire they had made and asked him what had happened.
He said “I find tracks… I follow tracks… and I got hit by a train.

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Men jokes Stupid Jokes