Tax jokes

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A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100.
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton.
The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill, as this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00, and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord.
It said: Dear Lord, Thank you very much for sending me the money.
However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, DC and as usual, those jerks deducted $95.

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A woman goes to an accountant to file her taxes.
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I need to ask a few questions. What is your occupation?"
The woman replies, "I'm a whоrе."
The accountant says, "No, no, no. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman replies, "OK, I'm a рrоsтiтuте."
"No, that is still too crude. Try again."
They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm a chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a рrоsтiтuте?"
"Well, I raised over 5,000 c**ks last year."

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A fine is a tax for doing wrong.
A tax is a fine for doing well.

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A Senator in the USA was once asked about his attitude toward whisky.
"If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it.
But if you mean the elixir of a New Year toast, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it.
This is my position, and I will not compromise."

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Q: What's the difference between death and taxes?
A: Congress doesn't meet every year to make death worse.

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How many God-fearing, tax-paying, law-abiding men in Las Vegas does it take to light a bonfire?
Both of them.

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Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child,"No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking."

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Q: What do you get when you cross a pilgrim with a democrat?
A: A god-fearing tax collector who gives thanks for what other people have.

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How do you know you have a great CPA?
He has a tax loophole named after him.

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Q: Why did the cannibal tax auditor get disciplined?
A: For buttering up her clients.

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Where do homeless accountants live?
In a tax shelter.

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Did you hear about the cannibal Tax Accountant?
She charges an arm and a leg.

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Q: Who makes the best detective - Sherlock Holmes or a tax accountant?
A: The tax accountant - she make's more deductions.

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Q: What is the definition of an extroverted tax accountant?
A: Someone who stares at YOUR shoes when talking to you.

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Q: And the difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion?
A: Jail.

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How do we know Peter was a rich fisherman?
By his net income.

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Q: Why is Santa always so jolly when he comes to the UK?
A: He can claim Gift Relief.

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A young Alabama man goes to a drug store and says to the pharmact: "I got a hot date tonight, an’ I need me some petection. How much is a pack a’ them rubbers gonna cost me?"
The pharmacist responds: "A three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with tax."
"TACKS!" the shocked redneck says. "Gawd a’ mighty, don’t they stay on by themselves!"

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Q: Why do Republican tax cuts always expire in ten years or less?
A: They want to make them thirty but keep running out of fingers.

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Q: How do tax accountants make a bold fashion statement?
A: Wear their dark grey socks instead of the light grey.

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