Jokes about Women

Newest jokes in this category
Een vrouw was in bed met haar minnaar, toen haar man plotseling thuis kwam. 'Vlug', zei ze 'ga in de hoek staan'. Ze smeerde hem snel in met babyolie en strooide grote hoeveelheden babypoeder over... Statue En dame er i seng med sin elsker, da hendes mand åbner hoveddøren. "Skynd dig," siger hun, "stil dig over i hjørnet" Hun smører ham hurtigt ind i baby olie og putter talkum hen over ham.... Kadın sevgilisiyle birlikteyken kocasının eve girdiğini duyar. - Çabuk! Köşeye geç ve bir heykel gibi davran. Bu arada adamın her yerine bebek yağı sürer, üzerine de bebe pudrası serper. - Sakın... Uma mulher está na cama com o amante quando ouve o marido chegar. Vai logo recomendando ao amante: — Depressa, fique de pé ali no canto. Rapidamente, ela cobre o corpo do amante com óleo e sapecou...
Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes
15 things we wouldn’t know if it wasn’t for the movies
1. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
2. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
3. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it is not necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
4. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
5. If staying in a haunted house, women must investigate any strange noises in their most diaphanous underwear, which is just what they happened to be carrying with them at the time the car broke down.
6. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
7. If someone says,
"I'll be right back", they won't.
8. Computer monitors never display a cursor on screen but always say:
Enter Password Now.
9. It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations. And none of your friends have to knock when they come for a visit.
10. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
11. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
12. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
13. If you decide to start dancing in the street everyone around you will automatically be able to mirror all the steps you come up with and hear the music in your head.
14. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
And last but not least
15. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
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One Sunday, sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.
He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! I always go exactly the speed limit. What seems to be the problem?”
“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “you weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”
“Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly! Twenty-two miles an hour!” the old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask . . . Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time,” the officer asks with concern.
“Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.”
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One day these two fine southern ladies were sittin' on the front porch having some iced tea. One of the women sticks out her hand for the other woman to see, and in her long southern drawl says "Look at this ring my husband gave me. Isn't it nice?"
To which the other woman replies,
"Oh that's nice, that's real nice."
The first woman then says , "And just last month he took me on one of them Caribbean cruises."
The second woman again replies,
"Oh that's nice, that's real nice."
"Well sweetheart doesn't your husband ever buy you nice things or send you nice places?"
"Oh", the second woman responds, "When we first got married he did send me to etiquette school."
"Why'd he do that?" the first woman asks.
To which the second fine southern woman replies,
"Well you see, before, when someone told me about the jeweler their husband gave them, or the trips he sent her on, I would have just said I don't give a сrар, but now I say that's nice, that's real nice."
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In the hospital, the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. “I’m afraid I am the bearer of bad news,” he said as he surveyed the worried faces, “The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It’s an experimental procedure, semi-risky, and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.”
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a few minutes, someone asked, “Well, how much does a brain cost?” The doctor quickly responded, “$50,000 for a male brain, and $2,000 for a female brain.”
The moment turned awkward. The men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. One man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, “Why is the male brain so much more than the female brain?”
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and then replied to the entire group, “It’s just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they’ve been used.”
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We always hear ‘the rules’ from the female side. Now here are the Rules from the male side. There are our rules:
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1. Chests are for looking at and that is why we do it. Don’t try to change that.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If its up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
3. Saturday = Sports. Its like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
4. Shopping is NOT a sport. and no, we are never going to think of it that way.
5. Crying is blackmail.
6. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: subtle hints do not work! strong hints do not work! obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
7. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
8. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
9. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.
See a doctor.
10. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
11. If you think you are fат, you probably are. Don’t ask us.
12. if something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
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