Women - Page 135

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said,
"I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently."
"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?"
"Yes," she said,
"As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother'? It would make me feel so much better."
"Sure," answered the young man.
As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!" As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" He asked,
"I only purchased a few things!"
"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.

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I was just enjoying a wаnк when some woman popped up and said, “Find local girls in your area”
I said, “Get the fuск out of my room, mum.”

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Jokes about Women Double Meaning and Wordplay Jokes

A woman three months pregnant falls into a deep coma. Six months later, she awakes and asks the nearest doctor about the fate of her baby.
“You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine,” says the doctor. “Luckily, your brother named them for you.”
“Oh shiт, not my brother! He’s from Liverpool! What did he call the girl?”
“Denise,” the doctor replies.
Thinking that isn’t so bad, she asks, “and what did he call the boy?”
The doctor answers, “Denephew.”

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Jokes about Women Medical and Doctor Jokes Stupid Jokes

A lady goes into the hospital to have a very serious operation. While on the operating table. Undergoing preparation, she flat lines and soon finds herself standing before St. Peter. She begins to wonder what she is doing there. "Are you sure that I'm suppose to be here, St. Peter?" St. Peter says:
“Let me look at the Book of Life." He looks carefully and says:
“Why, no, my good woman, you're not due here for 30 or 40 years!" Suddenly, the lady wakes up in the O. R. and the doctor says: Wow! We thought we had lost you! We've consulted here and we decided you don't need this operation at this time." The lady hesitates and says:
“Doctor, since I'm here and all prepped could you perhaps see what you can do about this flabbiness under my arms? And maybe give me a little tummy tuck and..... Oh! Oh, how about these fасiаl laugh lines?" A week later, she is walking across the hospital parking lot when she is hit and killed by a truck. She goes again before S. Peter and she asks:
“I thought you said I'm not due here for 30 or 40 years?" St. Peter says:
" I didn't recognize you, my dear!"

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Jokes about Women Medical and Doctor Jokes

Two elderly women had been friends for over forty years. Each one was losing their hearing. Minnie asked,
"Are you going to be home today?"
"Yes, as far as I know," replied her friend, Adie.
"Good I have a gift for you."
"Esther Price?" Adie asked.
Knowing Minnie loved Esther Price candy, she assumed the gift was candy. As the day wore on, Minnie finally arrived with a book on Smoothies. Adie was confused. "I didn't know Esther Price sold books?"
"They don't."
"But this morning you said they did."
"Oh, I thought you said, 'That's nice.'"

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Jokes about Women Old People Jokes Friendship Jokes

While on patrol, I arrested a burglar who had injured himself running from a home. He told me he had broken in and unhooked the phone before searching the home. He panicked when he heard a woman’s voice. I entered the house and heard the same voice... “If you’d like to make a call, please hang up and try your call again.”

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Jokes about Women Police Officer Jokes

10. Teach him the secret male ritual of leaving the toilet seat up and the toilet paper roll empty.
9. Have a ceremony where you give him his own remote control.
8. Lead him through an afternoon of rigorous physical training in the back yard while you sit in a lawn chair with a half-gallon of ice cream.
7. Eat until you're about to burst and then ride the Screamin' Hurler roller coaster.
6. Put cream on his face and let the cat shave him with its tongue.
5. Walk behind him through his school halls yelling, "You da man!"
4. Send him to the local discount store to buy mom's "personal things."
3. Give him Grandma's lime green Gremlin with personalized license plates that say, "TUFFGUY."
2. When the women of the house are gone, get out your secret 'Old Yeller' video and have a good cry together.
1. Shot put catching.

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Jokes about Women School Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes

I went into the chemist last week and said to the woman behind the counter, “Packet of three, please, Miss.”
“Don’t you Miss me, young man,” she replied.
I said, “Okay, better make that four then!”

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Jokes about Women Men jokes Masturbation jokes

My wife read me an article in a women’s magazine, about “how a woman can tell if a bloke is any good in bed just by how he is on the dance-floor”.
What a load of воllоскs!
If a guy’s on a dance-floor, getting into it and really enjoying and expressing himself, what does it matter to a woman what he’s like in bed?
It’s obvious he’s fuскing gаy.

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Jokes about Women Gay and Lesbian Jokes

What do a woman and a beehive have in common?
If you stick your соск in one, there’s a chance that a little fuскеr’s going to come out and never leave you alone.

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Jokes about Women

One Sunday morning, the Lutheran pastor noticed Ollie standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it. The old Norwegian had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside Ollie, and said quietly, ‘Good morning Ollie.’
‘Good morning Pastor,’ he replied, still focused on the plaque. ‘Pastor, vat is dis?’ The pastor said, ‘Well, it’s a memorial to all the men and women who died in the service. Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Finally, Ollie’s voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked, ‘Vich service, da 8:30 or da 10:45?

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Jokes about Women Religion jokes Men jokes

There were three criminals and one priest. the first criminal enters the church and says:
"I did something horrible on the 15th of January" the priest asks him "well what did you do?" the burgler says "i rареd a woman" so the priest tells him to go bathe in holy water and go pray. The very next day the 2nd criminal comes to the priest and says the same thing except he killed a man on the 16th of January, so the priest tells him to go bathe in holy water and pray too. The very next day, Finally the 3rd criminal comes to the priest and says "I DID SOMETHING REALLY REALLY BAD" the priest says "well what did you do?"
And the criminal answers:
"On the 14TH of January................................... i urinated in the holy water"

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Jokes about Women Men jokes

7 Most Important Men in a Woman’s Life….
The Doctor - who tells her to “take off all her clothes.”
The Dentist - who tells her to “open wide.”
The Milkman - who asks her “do you want it in the front or the back?”
The Hairdresser - who asks her “do you want it teased or blown?”
The Interior Designer - who assures her “once it’s inside, you’ll LOVE it!”
The Banker - who insists to her “if you take it out too soon, you’ll lose interest!”
The Primal Hunter - who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her “Keep quiet and lie still!”

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Jokes about Women Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes

Woman: Is that one of those hideous things called modern art?
Man: No ma'am, that's a mirror.

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Jokes about Women Insult Jokes Men jokes

I can usually judge how attractive a woman is by how many times my wife calls her a whоrе.

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Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes

Doctor Simon is known throughout town as one of the best consultants on arthritis. He always has a waiting room full of people who need his advice and specialist treatment.
One day, Betty, an elderly lady, slowly struggles into his waiting room.
She is completely веnт over and leans heavily on her walking stick. A chair is found for her. Eventually, her turn comes to go into Doctor Simon’s office.
15 minutes later, to everyone’s surprise, she comes briskly out of his room walking almost upright. She is holding her head high and has a smile on her face.
A woman in the waiting room says to Betty, “It’s unbelievable, a miracle even. You walk in веnт in half and now you walk out еrест. What a fantastic doctor he is. Tell me, what did Doctor Simon do to you?”
“Miracle, shmiracle,” says Hetty, “he just gave me a longer walking stick

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Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

One day on his way to work, a man stopped at the cafeteria as it began to rain. Forgetting that he hadn't brought an umbrella, he reached for the nearest one when he got up to leave.
"That's my umbrella," a woman immediately scolded. Abashed at his mistake, he left and walked to his office. He was drenched by the time he arrived. Once there, he discovered three umbrellas that he had left in the office over the months, and he decided to bring them home at the end of the day.
That afternoon he ran into the same woman who had confronted him earlier. She looked at the umbrellas, then at him, and tartly remarked, "You did real well for yourself today, didn't you?"

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Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Men jokes

We recently surveyed 100 women, asking them the question, "How old are you?"
The #1 most popular answer was, "How old do you think I look?"

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Jokes about Women One-Liner Jokes

Many a young man is looking for an older woman with a strong will - made out to him

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Jokes about Women Men jokes One-Liner Jokes

I hate the excuses women come up with for not having sеx like:
“I’ve got a headache” or “I’m on my period” or “I don’t know who you are, someone call the police!”

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Jokes about Women Dirty jokes Sex Jokes Police Officer Jokes