Work Jokes, Office Jokes

What Not To Say To A Nакеd Guy
1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Who circumcised you?
4. Why don't we just cuddle?
5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
6. It's more fun to look at.
7. Make it dance.
8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
10. It looks like a night crawler.
11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
12. My last boyfriend was 4'' вiggеr.
13. It's ok, we'll work around it.
14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
17. Oh no, a flash headache.
18. (giggle and point)
19. Can I be honest with you?
20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
21. Let me go get my tweezers.
22. How sweet, you brought incense.
23. This explains your car.
24. You must be a growing boy.
25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
27. Are you one of those pygmies?
28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
29. Every heard of clearasil?
30. All right, a treasure hunt!
31. I didn't know they came that small.
32. Why is God punishing you?
33. At least this won't take long.
34. I never saw one like that before.
35. What do you call this?
36. But it still works, right?
37. ####, I hate baby-sitting.
38. It looks so unused.
39. Do you take steroids?
40. I hear excessive маsтurватiоn shrinks it.
41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
45. Aww, it's hiding.
46. Are you cold?
47. If you get me real drunк first.
48. Is that an optical illusion?
49. What is that?
50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.
51. Were you neutered?
52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
53. Does it come with an air pump?
54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
55. Where are the puppet strings?
56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.
58. Never mind, why bother.
59. Is that a second belly button?
60. Where's the rest of it?

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A father went to take his daughter from school.
While waiting, he heard her talking with a classmate of hers "I worry so much-..! My dad works 16 hours a day so he can build a dream house for when I grow up. My mom spends her days cooking for me, making deserts and tiding my room so I can have fun. I worry. I’m so worried!"
"With that kind of parents you have nothing to worry about," her friend told her.
"Yeah, but what if... What if they... What if they... ESCAPE?"

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Office and Work Jokes School Jokes Friendship Jokes Dad Jokes Kids Jokes

SWISS ARMY KNIFE -- male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.
KIDNEYS -- female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.
TIRE -- male, because it goes bald and is often over-inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOON: male, because to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it . . . and, of course, there's the hot air part.
SPONGES -- female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGE -- female, because it is always getting hit on.
SHOE -- male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.
COPIER -- female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up -- because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed -- because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.
ZIPLOC BAGS -- male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.
SUBWAY -- male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
HAMMER -- male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
REMOTE CONTROL -- Definitely female, because it gives men pleasure; he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

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Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Technology Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes Military Jokes

A three year old walked over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors office.
He inquisitively ask the lady, "Why is your stomach so big?"
She replied, "I'm having a baby."
With big eyes, he asked,
"Is the baby in your stomach?"
She said,
"He sure is."
Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked,
"Is it a good baby?"
She said,
"Oh, yes. It's a real good baby."
With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked...
"Then why did you eat him?"

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Office and Work Jokes Kids Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

A sloth named Herman is walking through the forest one day.
A gang of snails approach him and beat him up.
He is left at the bottom of a tree with several cuts and bruises.
Several hours later he gathers up enough strength to go to a local police station.
Herman walks into the Sergeant's office.
"What happened to you? the officer asks.
"A gang of snails beat me up," Herman replied.
"Can you describe what they looked like?"
"I don't know," the sloth says.
"It all happened so fast."

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Office and Work Jokes Police Officer Jokes Military Jokes

One night, a lady with a black eye stumbled into the police station.
She told the desk sergeant that she had heard a noise in her back yard and gone to investigate.
The next thing she knew, she was hit in the face and knocked out cold.
An officer was sent to her house to investigate, and he returned a few minutes later, also with a black eye.
‘Did you get hit by the same attacker?’ his captain asked.
‘No, sir,’ he replied. ‘I stepped on the same rake.’

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Office and Work Jokes Police Officer Jokes Military Jokes

Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is."
"Of course I do," he irritatingly answered, going out the door to the office.
At 11 AM, the doorbell rang, and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a bouquet of red roses.
At 2 PM, a two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived.
Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.
The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.
"First the flowers, then the chocolates, and then the dress!" she exclaimed.
"I've never had a more wonderful ‘Independence day' in all my life!"

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Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Food Jokes

A blonde calls her husband at work one day and asks him, "Can you help me when you get home?"
"Sure," he replies. "What's the problem?"
"Well, I started a really hard puzzle and I can't even find the edge pieces."
"Look on the box," he said. "There's always a picture of what the puzzle is."
"It's a big rooster," she said.
The husband arrives home and tells his blonde wife, "Okay, put the corn flakes back in the box."

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Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Food Jokes Blonde Jokes

This executive was interviewing a nervous young blonde women for a position in his company.
He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, “If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?”
The blonde quickly responded, “The living one.”

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Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Blonde Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

A man who recently had a sеx-change operation was talking to his former
Buddies at work about the operation.
"Was it painful?" someone asked.
"Well,"she said.
"There was one part that was extremely painful."
"I bet I know what
Part was so painful," someone else said.
"I bet it was when they cut off your
Balls," they said.
"No," she said.
"I was heavily sedated and didn't feel a
Thing."
"Then it must have been when they cut off your рескеr," another
Person offered.
"No," she said.
"I was sedated then too, and didn't feel
Anything."
"Then what part of the operation was so painful?"
They wanted to
Know.
"Well," she said.
"After they were done cutting, they stuck a straw in
My ear and suскеd out half of my brains."

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Office and Work Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes

Q: What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their necks in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

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Office and Work Jokes Dark Humor Jokes One-Liner Jokes Lawyer Jokes Sick and Death Jokes Morbid jokes

Q: What does a plumber need to know about his job?
A: Sh*t runs downhill and payday is on Friday.

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Office and Work Jokes Gross Jokes

A man walks into a lawyer's office and inquires about the rates.
"Fifty dollars for three questions, "replies the lawyer.
"Isn't that awfully steep?" asks the man.
"Yes," the lawyer replies, "and what's your third question?"

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Office and Work Jokes Money jokes Men jokes One-Liner Jokes Lawyer Jokes

Where's the Husband?
Three women sit in a beauty parlor talking about their husbands. The first woman says, "Last night my husband said he was going to his office, but when I called they said he wasn't there!"
"I know!" the next woman says, "Last night my husband said he was going to his brother's house, but when I called he wasn't there."
The third woman says, "I always know where my husband is."
"Impossible!" both women exclaim, "He has you completely fooled!"
"Oh no," says the woman. "I'm a widow."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes

We went to the movie the other night. I sat in an aisle seat as I usually do because it feels a little roomier.
Just as the feature was about to start a blonde woman from the center of the row got up and started working her way out.
"Excuse me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry, oops, excuse me."
By the time she got to me I was trying to look around her and I was a little impatient so I said,
"Couldn't you have done this a little earlier?"
"No!!" she said in a loud whisper, "The 'TURN OFF YOUR CELL PHONE PLEASE' message just flashed up on the screen and mine is out in the car."

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Blonde Jokes Office and Work Jokes Car and driving jokes Phone jokes

A rather obese man is very excited about his new job and wants to start work immediately.
However, when he sits down at his computer, the only program installed was spreadsheets.
Confused, the man calls over his boss and asks:
"Why there is only excel installed on this computer?"
His boss replies, "It was the only program in your size!"

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Office and Work Jokes Computer Jokes Men jokes Fat Jokes Boss Jokes

What do you call a Mexican without a lawn mower?
Unemployed

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Ethnic and Racial Jokes Office and Work Jokes Mexican jokes Stupid Jokes

Chuck Norris only works out once a year... that's about all the gym equipment can take.

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Chuck Norris Jokes Office and Work Jokes Fitness jokes

"What do you want to be when you grow up?"
"A doctor?"
"And why's that?"
"Because it's the only profession where you can tell women to take off their clothes and then stick their husbands with the bill."

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Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Kids Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

Q: What's grey has 6 legs, 2 arms and is twenty feet tall?
A: A tax accountant riding an elephant.

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Animal Jokes Office and Work Jokes Tax jokes