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Dad Jokes

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When I was a child, my dad tried to force-feed me.
After a while, my mum said, “Just use a fсuкing spoon, Mike. You’re not a Jedi.”
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Guy: Is you dad still in jail?
Girl: For what?
Guy: For stealing all the stars in the sky and putting them in your eyes!
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L ittle Johnny and his dad went shopping at the grocery store. Walking down an aisle, Johnny asked his dad if he could have a box of Lucky Charms. His dad said,” Well, Johnny, can you touch your аsshоlе with your diск?” Johnny said, “No!!” Johnny’s dad said, “Well, there’s your answer.”
Later, Johnny asked if he could have Spagettios. His dad, again, said, “Can you touch your аsshоlе with your diск?” Johnny said,”No!!” His dad said, “Well, there’s your answer.” At the end of the shopping trip, Johnny’s dad felt bad about how he had talked to Johnny, so he bought him an instant lottery ticket. Johnny scratched the ticket and found that he won $1,000!!! His dad said,”Hey, Johnny, you gonna share the money with your old man? Johnny asked,”Dad, can you touch your аsshоlе with your diск?” Johnny’s dad said.,”As a matter of fact, I can!”
Johnny said,”GOOD, GO FUСК YOURSELF!!”
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I had finished my Christmas shopping early and had wrapped all the presents. Having two curious children, I had to find a suitable hiding place. I chose an ideal spot-the furnace room. I stacked the presents and covered them with a blanket, positive they’d remain undiscovered.
When I went to get the gifts to put them under the tree, I lifted the blanket and there, stacked neatly on top of my gifts, were presents addressed to "Mom and Dad, From the Kids."
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Me: Hey dad, do you remember blowing bubbles when you were a little kid?
Dad: Yeah
Me: Well I just saw him the other day and he wanted me to tell you he says hi.
Dad: Fuск you
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Short kid: Hey tall kid, I bet you don't know who your dad is!
Me: What's the matter? Where are Snow White and the other six dwarves? They're probably celebrating the fact that they lost you! Short kid:(Silence)
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A boy was teaching a girl arithmetic, he said it was his mission. He kissed her once; he kissed her twice and said,
"Now that's addition." In silent satisfaction, she sweetly gave the kisses back and said,
"Now that's subtraction." Then he kissed her, she kissed him, without an explanation. And both together smiled and said,
"That's multiplication." Then her Dad appeared upon the scene and made a quick decision. He kicked that boy three blocks away and said,
"That's long division!"
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Tough guy: you are a failure.
Me: just like your dad's condom
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A man and his son recently moved to Texas. One Saturday afternoon they decided to take a walk through the park. During the walk the boy sees 2 cowboys walk by.
“Dad, look at those bow-legged ваsтаrds!”
The father is surprised by this and tells his son that that is not very nice language to use.
A few minutes later, 2 more cowboys walk by and again the boy yells, “Dad, look at those bow legged ваsтаrds!”
The father, quite upset now turns to his son and says, “I told you not to say that and I do not want to hear it again, or else…”
Just a few minutes go by and another pair of cowboys walk by and once again the child yells, “Dad, look at those bow-legged ваsтаrds!”
“That’s it!” the father yells, and takes the child home and locks him in his room with the complete works of Shakespeare. Two weeks later, he lets his son out and notices that he has taken to speaking like Shakespeare wrote. This impressed the father so he decided to take his son out for another walk through the park.
As they were walking a pair of cowboys walk past them. The boy turns to his father and says:
Father, what strange men are these, whose ваlls hang in parentheses.
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If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I would have one badass harley... and some super cute riding boots.
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This teacher is teaching her grade four class, and she’s telling them that the word of the day is ‘contagious.’ She asks if anyone can use this word in a sentence, and several people stick up their hands. “Carl,” she says.
Carl says, “My dad told me to stay away from kids with mumps, ’cause they’re contagious.”
“Very good,” says the teacher.
Then she picks Suzie, who says, “The atmosphere was contagious,” and the teacher says, “Excellent, Suzie!”
Then she notices that little Johnny has his hand up, at the back of the class.
“Yes, Johnny?” she says. Johnny says, “The other day, me and my dad’s a-sittin around, and we saw our blonde neighbor painting her fence. She had a tiny little model car paintbrush, and she was going in tiny little strokes up and down the fence, and my dad says to me, “Jesus, it’s gonna take that c*nt ages to finish that fence.”
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Did any of you have a dad that tells and re-tells and re-re-tells you about his bravery and stamina and grit growing up? I’m sharing with you that my dad walked to school at 4AM every morning with no shoes on, uphill (both ways,) in 5 feet of snow … and he was thankful.
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“No child of mine is going out in a skirt that short.” …
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“Dad, I’m sixteen. I’ll wear what I want!” …
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“Yeah, but son, your nuts are showing.”
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A lady asked her husband to take their young son out for the day, so he did.
He decided to take him to the zoo first, On the way there they saw a plane taking off, the boy asked his Dad what it was, The Dad said “that’s take off”.
When they got to the zoo they saw a zebra, the boy asked his Dad what it was, The Dad said “that’s a zebra”.
After they’d finished in the zoo he took his son to the park, While at the park they saw a lady with a baby in a pram, the boy asked his BabyDad what it was, The Dad said “that’s a baby”.
When they got back home the mum asked her son if he had learned anything while he was out..
The boy said Yes “take off ze вrа, baby!”
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About 3:30 in the morning, a wife wakes up to find she is alone in the bed and she can hear her husband crying uncontrollably. She gets up and starts to look for him. He's not in the bathroom, living room, or in the kitchen. As she passes the laundry room, she hears his faint sniffels coming from the basement. She turns on the light and goes downstairs to find him. Finally, she finds him huddled in the corner, rolled up into a ball, and crying hysterically. She runs over to him and asks why he is crying. He says,
"Do you remember when we got married twenty (20) years ago?" She looks at him and says,
"Yes". He says,
"Well, a couple of months before, your dad said that I could marry you or go to jail." She says,
"I already know that. I don't see what the problem is." He says,
" don't you see!!! I would have gotten out today!"
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Dad I think the Smiths next door are angry at us.” “Why is that?”
“They’re probably mad because our dog can retrieve the newspaper, and theirs can’t.” “How could you possibly know that? We don’t even subscribe to the paper.” “Yeah, that’s probably got something to do with it, too.”
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Several years ago, I purchased a chest type freezer. My best friend came over to see it. She said,
"My dad told me how you can tell if you have a tight seal on your freezer. If you put a dollar bill in between the top of the freezer and the bottom of the freezer and you can't pull it out, then you have a good seal."
"Wow, let's try it!" I said.
"Sorry, we can't," she began. "All I have is a ten."
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Once, in a bar, one guy leaned over and said to the guy sitting next to him, "I slept with your mom last night."
The whole bar turned to see what would happen next. After a while, the guy laughs and says,
"Let's go home, Dad, you are drunк."
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