Jimmy was a young man who knew his straight-arrow corporate executive Father would get furious if he knew he used LSD. So he hid his supply whenever his Dad visited him.
One day he drove up to see his Father's Porsche parked outside his home. His Dad was there! And he had left LSD sugar cubes in the kitchen! And his Dad loved coffee! Jimmy ran into the house and expected to see his dignified, distinguished, impeccably dressed Father in his very expensive suit, perfectly tied tie and gleaming polished shoes, ready for a lecture. His Father NEVER used drugs and did not even drink. But he wasn’t there.
“Dad! Where are you? Did you put sugar in your coffee?” yelled Jimmy. Then he went into the living room. There was his Father . And an empty coffee cup on the floor.
“DAD!” cried Jimmy. His formal financial executive Father was sitting cross legged - and rocking gently back and forth in the middle of the floor. He was barefoot. He was no longer wearing his business suit. His Italian shoes and briefcase were lined up neatly. And his dress socks, glasses, wallet, belt, car keys, Rolex watch and cufflinks were in a pile. He was wearing one of Jimmy’s own tie-dye T shirts and ragged jeans. His $2,000 Armani pinstriped suit, silk tie and white shirt were on the floor - and he was using gardening shears to slice up his own clothes!
“DAD! You’re tripping! You took my LSD! You’re destroying your business suit! Stop!” yelled Jimmy. His dignified, well-dressed . What had he done!
His Father looked up with a glazed stare. “That’s nothing. I have a REAL problem. He said he likes it!’
“What?” said Jimmy. “Who likes what?”
His Father said:
“HIM! He said he likes my suit. And he said he wanted it. He told me to sтriр. So of course I DID! And he wants my tie. And shirt! NOW! He said I was too uppity! Too arrogant! So I have to make them fit for him! He will be VERY angry if I don’t do it right!” And he tore the satin lining out of his suit jacket and chopped off the legs of his suit trousers. “And he demanded my shoes and socks! He LOVES my shoes! But how will I make them fit!? Help me! He’s WAITING! Don’t you understand! He even wants me to drive him in my own CAR! I will be his driver!”
“WHAT!! Who is demanding all of this? WHO!?” cried Jimmy.
His Father stared at him with his glazed eyes as he sliced through his $200 tie. “Who? The two foot high troll with the three headed dog on a leash in the kitchen! Who else?!”
There is a plane with not enough seats for everyone, so the pilot says we will need to remove people by alphabetical order. So he starts with A, Asian, no one stands up, then he says," B, blacks," no one stands up, then a black boy tells his dad,"Shouldn't we go up, aren't we black," His dad says no,"Today son, we're niggеrs."
L ittle Johnny and his dad went shopping at the grocery store. Walking down an aisle, Johnny asked his dad if he could have a box of Lucky Charms. His dad said,” Well, Johnny, can you touch your аsshоlе with your diск?” Johnny said, “No!!” Johnny’s dad said, “Well, there’s your answer.”
Later, Johnny asked if he could have Spagettios. His dad, again, said, “Can you touch your аsshоlе with your diск?” Johnny said,”No!!” His dad said, “Well, there’s your answer.” At the end of the shopping trip, Johnny’s dad felt bad about how he had talked to Johnny, so he bought him an instant lottery ticket. Johnny scratched the ticket and found that he won $1,000!!! His dad said,”Hey, Johnny, you gonna share the money with your old man? Johnny asked,”Dad, can you touch your аsshоlе with your diск?” Johnny’s dad said.,”As a matter of fact, I can!”
Johnny said,”GOOD, GO FUСК YOURSELF!!”
A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.
In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, "My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket."
"Very good," said the teacher.
Next, Mary said,
"We are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks. The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they're hatched."
"Very good," said the teacher again, very pleased with the response so far.
Next it was Barney's turn to tell his story. "My dad told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete."
"Go on," said the teacher, intrigued.
"Aunt Karen drank the whisky on the way down to prepare herself; then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What did your father say was the moral of that frightening story?"
"Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."