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Dad Jokes

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Damien was being severely scolded by his father for fighting. "Now, Damien" said his angry father, "This will not do! You must learn that you can't have everything you want in this life. There must always be give and take."
"But there was Dad!" protested the aggressive youngster. "I gave him a black eye and took the apple!"
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I t’s career day at school and the teacher instructs his students each to stand up, state their parents occupation, spell it and then tell what their parent would do if they were here today.
Little Rodney stands up and says, ” my father is an accountant, A-C-C-O-U-N-T- A-N-T, and if he were here today, he would help you balance your checkbook”.
“Good Rodney” says the teacher, “how about you, Johnny?'”
Johnny stands up and stammers, “my father is an electrician, E-L-E-K-T, no, no,E-L-E-C-K-T no …. L-E-C-K- no….
The teacher interrupts, “never mind Johnny, sit down, how about you Vinnie?”
Vinnie stands up and says, “My dad’s a воокiе, that’s B-O-O-K-I-E, and if he were here today he’d give you ten to one odds that there’s no way Johnny’s ever gonna spell electrician!”
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My dad fought in World War II, and he never talks about it, of course -- 'cause he's Japanese.
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I saw a girl walking down the street that I fcuked years ago, so I ran up behind her, covered her eyes and whispered, “Guess who… I took your virginity…
“She said, “Dad?”
“Dad?” I replied, staggering back in disgust. “You lost your virginity to your dad?”
She turned round and said, “Oh… It’s you… I told you that you were my first because I was ashamed of what happened with my…”
“I don’t want to hear it,” I interrupted. “Fсuк you, and your dad.”
As I walked off, I turned round and shouted, “Tell him Uncle Tony won’t be coming round this Christmas.”
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My dad just told me he knocked Muhammad Ali out in the first round once.
They played one another at the Jenga World Championships.
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On his first visit to the zoo, a little boy stared at the caged stork for a long time. He waved, jumped up and down, and stared at the stork a while longer. Finally, turning to his father, he exclaimed, "Gee, Dad, he doesn't recognize me."
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A young boy says to his father “Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you.”
“What happened?” The father asks.
“Well, she asks me, ‘how much is 7 * 9?’ I answer ’63’ , then she asks, ‘and 9 * 7?’ so I asked ‘what’s the fuскing difference?’ ”
“Indeed, what is the difference?” asks the father. ”Sure, I’ll go.”
The next day, the boy comes home from school “Dad, have you gone by the school?” He asks.
“Not yet.”
“Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also.”
“Why?” asks the father.
The boy explains, “Well we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, I did. Then my right arm, I also raised it. Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. ‘Now,’ he says, ‘lift your left leg,’ so I asked ‘What, am I suppose to stand on my соск!?'”
“Exactly,” says the father. “Alright, I’ll come.”
The next day, the boy asks his father “Did you go to the school?”
“No, not yet.”
“Don’t bother, I got expelled.”
Surprised, the father asks “Why did you get expelled?”
“Well, they summoned me to the principal’s office, and sitting there were the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher.”
“The fuск was the art teacher doing there!?” asks the father.
“That’s what I said” replied the boy.
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Father:
"Son, when Abraham Lincoln was your age, he walked 12 miles to school."
Son:
"Dad, when Abraham Lincoln was your age, he was President."
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“Dad, the career counselor said that with a mind like mine I should study criminal law.”
“That is wonderful, son. I’m proud of you.”
“He said I had a criminal mind.”
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The saddest day of my life was seeing my mum crying after my dad went to heaven. Heaven was the name of his favourite gаy massage parlour.
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A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked,
"Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?"
The father replied, "It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean." With that the father went to the telephone an dialed a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said,
"Hello, is Melvin there?"
The man answered, "There is no one living here named Melvin. Why don't you learn to look up numbers before you dial them?"
"See," said the father to his daughter. "That man was not a bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something and we annoyed him. Now watch...." The father dialed the number again. "Hello, is Melvin there?" asked the father.
"Now look here!" came the heated reply. "You just called this number and I told you that there is no Melvin here! You've got a lot of nerve calling again!" The receiver slammed down hard.
The father turned to his daughter and said,
"You see, that was anger. Now I'll show you what exasperation means." He dialed the same number, and when a violent voice roared, "Hello!," the father calmly said,
"Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?"
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Trying to be a good father, Jack took his son Tommy to the movies. He drove uptown to the Hoyts Theater, and there they watched an exceptionally long movie.
Afterwards, as they were heading to the car, the father asked his son, "Did you like the movie, Tommy?"
"Yeah, Dad, but I think I know why they call it Hoyts Theater."
Puzzled by this comment, the father asked,
"Why?"
And the little boy replied, "Because it Hoyts when you get up!"
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Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. His Dad reluctantly agrees.
Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, ‘Dad, what’s love juice?’
Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sеx.
Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.  Dad says, ‘So what were you watching?’
Billy says, ‘ Wimbledon .’
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I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.
The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
The Litter Box is not a cookie jar.
The sofa is not a 'face towel'.
I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying 'hello'.
I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house - not after.
The cat is not a 'squeaky toy' so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.
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My mom's American Indian; my dad's from Ireland. There's a drinking problem waiting to happen.
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My dad always used to say, ‘What doesn’t кill you, makes you stronger,’ - ’till he had the accident.
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A boy and his mum go christmas shopping and they see two women having a fight, and their calling each other b*tches and ваsтаrds and diскs and vaginas. when they get to the car the boy asks his mum what a b*tch and ваsтаrd is, so she replies well a b*tch is a girl and a ваsтаrds a boy. The boy then asks whats a diск and a vаginа and she says a diск is a hat and a vaginas a coat. so they go home and the kid goes up stairs to the toilet and his dads shaving in the shower and he cuts himself and says shiт! and the boy goes what's shiт? then his dad says oh um, just a new type of shaving cream i'm using. then then kid goes downstairs where his mum accidenatally cuts herself cutting the turkey and she says f***k! so the boy asks what fuск is and his mum goes just a new way of cutting the turkey. then the door веll rings and the boys yells i'll get it and opens the door and his grandparents have aarrived for lunch and the kid goes welcome b*tches and barstards! you can put your diскs and vaginas over there! dads putting shiт on his face and mums f***king the turkey!
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It was one of the best moments of married life when my son finally found out Father Christmas wasn’t real.
I overheard him telling his sister in her bedroom, “It’s actually our parents who do it!”
My daughter said, “But I can’t believe dad would do that?!”
Then he said these beautiful words and earned himself that new bike:
“It’s not dad, it can’t be. Mum’s the only one fат enough, with a beard.”
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