Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a соndом, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke.
Her friend saw this and said, “Hey that’s a good idea! What is it that you put over your cigarette?”.
The other old lady said,” Its a соndом”.
“A соndом? Where do you get those?” The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy.
When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms.
The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her, “What size do you want?”.
The old lady thought for a minute and said, “One that will fit a Camel
A newly deceased man, David, stands at the pearly gates. St. Peter tells him that he cannot go to heaven right away because he cheated on his income taxes. The only way he might get into heaven would be to sleep with a sтuрid, ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. David decides that this is a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven.
So off he goes with an ugly, sтuрid woman, while he pretends to be happy. As he walks along, he sees his friend Steve up ahead - with an even uglier woman. When he asks what’s going on, Steve replies, “I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money.” They both shake their heads in understanding and figure that they might as well hang out together to help pass the time.
David, Steve, and their two ugly women are walking along, minding their own business when they see someone who looks like their old friend Don up ahead. He is with an absolutely gorgeous woman who looks like a supermodel/centrefold. Stunned, David and Steve approach the man and discover that it is their friend Don. They ask him how he got this unbelievable goddess, while they’re stuck with these God-awful women.
Don replies, “I have no idea, but I’m definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life, and I have had five years of the best sеx any man could hope to have. There is only one thing that I can’t seem to understand. Every time we finish having sеx, she rolls over and murmurs to herself, “Fсuкing income taxes!”
A mom was concerned about her Kindergarten son walking to school. He didn't want his mother to walk with him. She wanted to give him the feeling that he had some independence, but yet know that he was safe.
So, she had an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbor if she would please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance, so he probably wouldn't notice her.
She said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed.
The next school day, the neighbor and her little girl set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor boy he knew. She did this for the whole week.
As the boys walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy's little friend noticed the same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week. Finally, he said to Timmy, "Have you noticed that lady following us to school all week? Do you know her"?
Timmy nonchalantly replied, "Yeah, I know who she is."
The friend said,
"Well, who is she"?
"That's just Shirley Goodnest," Timmy replied. "And her daughter Marcy."
"Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she and why is she following us"?
"Well," Timmy explained. "Every night, my mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, because she worries about me so much. And in the Psalm, it says, 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life,' so I guess I'll just have to get used to it!"
One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn’t get her foot high enough to reach to step.
Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step.
Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn’t reach the step.
So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn’t reach the step.
So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus.
The girl turned around furiously and said, “How dare you touch my body that way, I don’t even know you!”
Shocked, the man says, “Well, ma’am, after you reached around and unzipped my pants three times, I thought that we were friends.”