Friendship Jokes

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ME: You smell like updog.
FRIEND: What's up dog?
ME: Nothing much man, how 'bout you?

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Little Kelvin's darkest day was when he was asked by his mathematics teacher to solve a problem on the board. The question was asking for the answer to 2+3.
He knew he couldn't solve that so he glanced towards his bright friend for help. His friend willing to help but fearing to speak out loud, showed him his palm as a silent indication to the answer.
So little Kelvin drew the palm.

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My best friend came up to me yesterday and said “This is a photo of me when I was younger”
I replied, “Every photo is of when you were younger”

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Friend: Your Diск is as small as a breath mint
Me: no wonder your moms breath was so minty this morning
Friend: WTF

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Gladys, a resident at the local assisted living apartment complex, invited her new neighbor to her place for coffee and dessert. Ethel, slightly younger than Gladys, sat down at the table and was anxious to spend time with her new friend.
"Here's your cup, and there's a teapot full of fresh tea," said Gladys.
"What an exquisitely clean cup and saucer," exclaimed Ethel. "How do you get them so spotless?"
"I do the dishes with Joy," exclaimed Gladys. "Would you like a piece of cake now?"
"And put it on this shiny clean plate? I imagine you clean your plates with Joy also?
"All the time," replied Gladys. "It really saves me a lot of money."
After some more conversation, and taking the last bite of her cake, Ethel glances over and sees a furry feline approaching her. "What an adorable cat," she exclaims while taking her last sip of tea.
"That's my little princess! Come here, Joy," as Gladys starts putting the cups and plates on the floor. "We're all finished with our lunch!"

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Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend...
Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

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I have a friend named Jay.
We call him J for short.

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My musician friend passed on recently.
They had trouble in the funeral procession when the coffin fell out of the lead car. …
“We’ll have to rehearse that,” said the undertaker.

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A bechelor, just turned 40, began feeling desperate. "I went to a singles bar," he told a friend. "walked over to this 20-year-old woman and asked,
"Where have you been all my life? she said,
"Theeting!"

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A professor of English and the editor of the local newspaper had many friendly arguments. One Friday evening the professor was walking out of a local club with
A bottle of whiskey wrapped in that day’s newspaper.
“Oh!” said the editor, who was walking past. “Looks like there’s something interesting in that paper.”
“Aye,” replied the professor. “It’s the most interesting item that’s been in it all week.

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Friend : :( Me: Turn that frown upside down ! Friend ):
Me: you little shit

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There’s a site called ‘rentagoat. Com’ where you can get a goat to eat the grass on your lawn. “Rent A Goat helps businesses and homeowners landscape their properties in a safe and eco-friendly way, at a competitive price, by clearing their land with goats!”
This isn’t to be confused with ‘rentagoat. Org’, which is a Taliban dating site.

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One thing I have realized, though, in life in general -- much better to hang out with your poor friends as opposed to your rich friends. 'Cause rich people, they're just gone. They have no idea what things cost anymore. I went out to dinner with some very wealthy friends of mine -- they're just clueless. They're like, 'Hey Avi, you know for another $20, you can get a slice of shiitake mushroom on that. Totally worth it!'

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Sven and Lars worked together and both were laid off, so they went to the Minneapolis unemployment office. When asked his occupation, Sven answered, “Раnтy Stitcher. I sew da elastic onto ladies’ cotton раnтiеs.” …
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The clerk looked up Раnтy Stitcher. Finding it classified as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay. Then Lars was asked his occupation. “Diesel Fitter,” he replied. Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Lars $600 a week.
When Sven found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and coworker was collecting double his pay. The clerk explained, “Раnтy stitchers are unskilled and diesel fitters are skilled labor.”
“WHAT skill?” yelled Sven. “I sew da elastic on da раnтiеs, Lars puts dem over his head and says: “Yeah, diesel fitter.”

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A friend of mine asked me to go to the front of his car to see if his turn signal was working.
I did and yelled out, "Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No..."

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I have a friend tells me he can get by on one hour of sleep. To me, this is crazy. It's like someone bragging that they only need one tooth to chew. You know, you might do it with one, but you look a helluva lot better with more.

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The ninety-five year old woman at the nursing home received a visit from one of her fellow church members.
“How are you feeling?” the visitor asked.
“Oh,” said the woman, “I’m just worried sick!”
“What are you worried about, dear?” her friend asked. “You look like you’re in good health. They are taking care of you, aren’t they?”
“Yes, they are taking very good care of me.”
“Are you in any pain?” she asked.
“No, I have never had a pain in my life.”
“Well, what are you worried about?” her friend asked again.
The woman leaned back in her rocking chair and slowly explained her major worry.
“Every close friend I ever had has already died and gone on to heaven. I’m afraid they’re all wondering where I went.”

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Joe was invited by his friend Steve to go hunting quail over the weekend. Steve was very excited to show off his new hunting dog to Joe. That weekend, they were out in the country walking thru thick grasslands when Steve's hunting dog stop, went into a pointing position towards some bushes, and then tapped the ground three times.
Steve told Joe that his dog is telling him three quails are in the bushes . Sure enough three quails flew out of the bushes into the air. Joe shot one and Steve got the other two. This went on most of the day with the dog tapping the ground the number of quail that were in the bushes and the guys shooting them when they flew out.
Nearing the end of their hunting trip, Steve's dog stopped and froze near a large bush. He sat there for a minute and then ran off and returned with a branch in his mouth and started moving his head left to right. Joe was confused at this new behavior and asked Steve what was going on. Steve replied, "My dog is telling us there are more quail in there than you can shake a stick at!"

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