Friendship Jokes

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I have a friend tells me he can get by on one hour of sleep. To me, this is crazy. It's like someone bragging that they only need one tooth to chew. You know, you might do it with one, but you look a helluva lot better with more.

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The ninety-five year old woman at the nursing home received a visit from one of her fellow church members.
“How are you feeling?” the visitor asked.
“Oh,” said the woman, “I’m just worried sick!”
“What are you worried about, dear?” her friend asked. “You look like you’re in good health. They are taking care of you, aren’t they?”
“Yes, they are taking very good care of me.”
“Are you in any pain?” she asked.
“No, I have never had a pain in my life.”
“Well, what are you worried about?” her friend asked again.
The woman leaned back in her rocking chair and slowly explained her major worry.
“Every close friend I ever had has already died and gone on to heaven. I’m afraid they’re all wondering where I went.”

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Joe was invited by his friend Steve to go hunting quail over the weekend. Steve was very excited to show off his new hunting dog to Joe. That weekend, they were out in the country walking thru thick grasslands when Steve's hunting dog stop, went into a pointing position towards some bushes, and then tapped the ground three times.
Steve told Joe that his dog is telling him three quails are in the bushes . Sure enough three quails flew out of the bushes into the air. Joe shot one and Steve got the other two. This went on most of the day with the dog tapping the ground the number of quail that were in the bushes and the guys shooting them when they flew out.
Nearing the end of their hunting trip, Steve's dog stopped and froze near a large bush. He sat there for a minute and then ran off and returned with a branch in his mouth and started moving his head left to right. Joe was confused at this new behavior and asked Steve what was going on. Steve replied, "My dog is telling us there are more quail in there than you can shake a stick at!"

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Two Antartians are walking down the street. One finds a little mirror, and looks in it. She looks again, and again.
Puzzled, she says to her friend, "I just know I've seen this face before!"
"Give it to me", says the other Antartian. She looks in the mirror and says,
"Of course, silly! It's me!"

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Saying you are dumped but we can still be friends is like saying the dog died but let's take it for a walk anyway.

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The three friends were walking home from school. “What shall we do this afternoon?” said one. “I know,” said the second, let’s spin a coin. If it comes down heads let’s go skating, and if it comes down tails let’s go swimming.” “And if it comes down on its edge,” said the third, “let’s stay in and do our homework!”

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A friend of mine had resisted efforts to get him to run with our jogging group until his doctor told him he had to exercise. Soon thereafter, he reluctantly joined us for our 5:30 am jogs on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays.
After a month of running, we decided that my friend might be hooked, especially when he said he had discovered what “runner’s euphoria” was.
“Runner’s euphoria,” he explained, “is what I feel at 5:30 am on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays.”

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Saw two girls at the bar last night, so I approached the one and said, “Can I borrow your lighter mate?”
She said, “I don’t smoke.”
“Neither do I,” I replied, “I want to dance with your fit friend, you tubby fсuк.”

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Texting:
Guy: Hi, my friend changed all my contact names, can you tell me who you are?
Girl: What does the contact name say
Guy: It says "Вiтсh".
Girl: Oh WOW... and BTW it's Andrea, your ex.
Guy: Oh, I guess my friend didn't change this one.

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My wife ran away with my best friend. A year later both of them were at my front door ringing the веll. They rang the веll for an hour straight. Reluctantly I answered the door.
They said they wanted to apologize for the way things happened. Boy, was I relieved, I thought he was trying to bring her back.

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My friend Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a life preserver.
..
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Well, it’s what he would have wanted.

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I hate when girls tell me they don’t want to risk losing me as a friend by having sеx with me.
It’s like they don’t even understand why I’m ‘friends’ with them in the first place.

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I'm friends with 25 letters in the alphabet. I don't know Y.

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$ Michael Jordan having "retired," with $40 million in endorsements, makes $178,100 a day, working or not. $ If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head. $ If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there. $ If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it. $ He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage. $ He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends. $ If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours. $ If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second. $ He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round. $ Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax deferred account (401k), his contributions will hit the federal cap of $9500 at 8:30 a. M. on January 1st. $ If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you 'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year. $ He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics, and about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon. $ While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600. $ This year, he'll make more than twice as much as all U. S. past presidents for all of their terms combined. Amazing isn't it? However... $ If Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 450 years, he'll still have less than Bill Gates has today. $$$ Game over. Nerd wins.
$ Michael Jordan having "retired," with $40 million in endorsements, makes $178,100 a day, working or not.
$ If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.
$ If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there.
$ If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it.
$ He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage.
$ He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.
$ If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours.
$ If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.
$ He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round.
$ Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax deferred account (401k), his contributions will hit the federal cap of $9500 at 8:30 a. M. on January 1st.
$ If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you 'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.
$ He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics, and about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon.
$ While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600.
$ This year, he'll make more than twice as much as all U. S. past presidents for all of their terms combined.
Amazing isn't it? However...
$ If Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 450 years, he'll still have less than Bill Gates has today.
$$$ Game over. Nerd wins.

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On 60th birthday of salma in Lahore Pakistan. Everyone was admired her.
In goodwill speech rednecks told " Salma is a complete woman.
Friends later asked about it.
He says" she adores Anant which was her platonic love.
She is thankful to alim who married her.
She don't forget aslam with whom she had first sеx.
She is excited about abdul who was her long time lover.
She also praises wajid for children she had in her life.
And she also craves for sеx with biber in her dreams.
Isn't she a complete woman.

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I have a friend that's a nurse, and she said sometimes women will put on a full face of makeup before they go under for an operation. This doesn't seem right to me. My mother told me only two things to remember when I was growing up. She said, 'One: don't smoke on the street; that doesn't look good. Two: when unconscious in a room full of strangers, try not to look too attractive.'

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A man went to visit a friend of his who worked for the zoo, tending to the elephants.
But found him crying.
When asked what happened the friend replied that the largest bull elephant had died earlier that morning.
"I'm sorry I didn't know you were so close to the elephant"
"I'm not - I have to bury it."

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A man was checking into a hotel when he saw a golden retriever sitting on a rug near the hotel elevator. Talking to the man behind the desk, he asked,
"Does your dog bite?" The attendant said,
"No, he doesn't." But as the man let his hand down to pat the dog, it bit his hand and held on so tightly that the man had to throw him across the room.
Returning to the desk, the man said,
"I thought you said that your dog didn't bite." He directed the attendant's attention to the dog, who now had returned to the rug. The attendant simply answered, "My friend that is NOT my dog."

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