A frog goes into a bank and hops up to a teller. He can see from her name plate that she is called Patricia Whack, so he says "Ms. Whack, I'd like to borrow $30,000, please."
The teller asks for his name and the frog replies that he is Kermit Jagger, son of Мiск Jagger, and a personal friend of the bank manager. Unconvinced, Ms. Whack explains she will need some identity and also some security against his loan. The frog produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant and hands it to her.
The confused teller says she will have to consult with her manager. "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger at the counter who wants to borrow $30,000," she tells her boss. "And what do you think this elephant is about?"
The manager looks back at her and says,
"It's a knick-knack, Patti Whack, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
Bubba liked to frequent the old swimming hole but was never able to attract the girls.
He decided to ask his friend Billy-Bob for advice.
‘It’s those big baggy swimming trunks that make you look like an old fool… They’re years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos, about two sizes too little, and drop a fist-sized tater down inside them. I’m telling ya man…you’ll have all the вавеs you want!’
The following weekend, Bubba hits the swimming hole with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato.
Everybody at the swimming hole was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick!
Bubba went back to his buddy Billy-Bob and asked him, ‘What’s wrong now?’
‘Lard-Almighty Bubba!’ said Billy-Bob, ‘the tater goes in the front!
Two New Yorkers are in Las Vegas gambling, and they win two hundred thousand dollars. One man says to the other, “come on let’s go out and paint the town!” “You know.” Says his friend, “I think this money is New York money. This dough is earmarked for the Big Apple, and I think we should go back there to spend it.” “You’re right,” says the first man. “Let’s go out to the airport right now and catch the first plane back.”
“Forget the airport,” says the friend, “let’s just take a limo.” “Forget the limo,” says the first man, and then he yells, “taxi!” A cab pulls up in front of the two men. The friend opens the door and is about to get in when the first man says to him, “Say, where in New York do you live?” “Fifty-ninth Street,” says the friend. The first man then says, “In that case, I had better get in first because I’m getting out at forty-third.”
Two elderly ladies, Ethel and Martha, had been the best of friends for over 50 years. Over the decades they had spent together, they had worked together, lived next door to each other, and even vacationed together with their husbands. In their golden years, they would meet every afternoon to play cards.
One day, as they were wrapping up a game of pinochle, Ethel looks at Martha sheepishly and says , “Now please don’t get angry with me. I know we’ve been friends for a long time, but I just can’t seem to remember your name! I’ve been wracking my brain for the past hour but it still escapes me. Please remind a forgetful old lady!”
Martha glares angrily at her. For five minutes, she doesn’t speak, only giving her friend stares of disappointment. Finally, Martha asks, “How soon do you need to know?”
At my friend’s parish they are taking pains to develop a new intern priest. The new priest was so nervous at his first mass that he could hardly speak. Before his second week at the pulpit, he asked the Monsignor how he could relax. ….
The Monsignor said, “Next week it may help if you put some vоdка in the water pitcher. After that everything should go smoothly.”
The next Sunday the new priest put the suggestion into practice and was able to talk up a storm. He thought he did just great. Upon returning to the rectory, however, he found a rather brusque note from the Monsignor. It read:
1. Next time, sip the vоdка rather than gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. David slew Goliath, he did not kick his аss.
5. The recommended Grace before meals is not “Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, Yo God.”
6. Mary did not nag Joseph all the way to Bethlehem, she just rode his аss.
7. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
8. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was sтоnеd off his аss.
9. Be careful reading the Upcoming events: Next week there is a taffy pulling contest at St. Peters, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.
10. Last but not least, it is the “Virgin Mary,” not “Mary with the cherry.”