Men-Women jokes

Add a joke Newest jokes Most popular

A man is away on business, at a convention for marvellous machines.
He found a long corridor lined with machines and decided to try a few. The first he came to was called ''The Wonder Cut''. He inserted his money and did as he was told to do by the instructions. He lay back in the chair and after a few minutes the machine stopped and he hopped out of the chair, with the best hair cut he had ever had. Further down the corridor he came to a machine that said, 'For the best shave every insert here'', so he inserted his money in and place his face in the slot. And sure enough his face had the best shave he had ever had. He walked on down the corridor until he came to the last machine. It said ''for the man who has been away from his wife for a long time and is in dire need.. The rest of the words were rubbed of but he got the general idea. He made sure no one was looking and inserted his money, undid his fly and placed his ''thing'' in the hole. The machine rumbled and after a few minutes of extreme pain he withdrew his thing from the hole with a new shiny button neatly sewed on the end.

1

0

I told myself this year, I ain't havin' sеx no more - on Tuesdays, between 4:
30 and 6, I ain't havin' sеx with nobody.

1

0

You have very nice legs.
What time do they open?

1

0

A man walks into a music store and wants to buy a good, old-fashioned vinyl record. He gets the record and is ready to check out when he discovers that he forgot his wallet. Instead of going out and getting his wallet, he decides to steal the record. So he sticks it down his pants.
Of course, the cashier spots him on the way out and says, "Hey! Is that a record in your pants?"
The man replies, "Well, it may not be a record but I haven''t heard any complaints."

1

0

Getting Any on the Side?
Joe was asked at work if he was getting any on the side. He replied, "Неll, it's been so long since I had any, I didn't know they moved it."

1

0

A man was eating in a fancy restaurant, and there was a gorgeous woman eating at the next table.
He had been checking her out all night, but lacked the nerve to go talk to her. Suddenly she sneezed and her glass eye went flying out of its socket towards the man. With lightning quick reflexes, he caught it in mid-air.
''Oh my gosh, I am so sorry,'' she said as she popped her eye back in the socket. ''Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you.''
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invited him back to her place for a drink. They went back to her house, and after some time, she took him into her bedroom and began undrеssing him. The couple had wild, passionate sеx many times during the night. The next morning when he awoke, she had already gotten up and brought him breakfast in bed.
The guy was amazed and said ''You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?''
''No, she replied. "You just happened to catch my eye!''

1

0

Q: How many men does it take to sсrеw a light bulb into a socket?
A: One - because men will sсrеw anything.

1

0

Did you hear about the guy who sсrеwеd his sister-in-law?
He had it in for his brother.

1

0

Q: Why do men sit with their legs wide open?
A: So their brains can breathe.

1

0

A man relaxes with his evening paper when he hears a light knock on the door. He opens it, looks down and sees a small snail.
"Mister, could you spare some change?" the snail asks. The man picks up the snail, throws him into the bushes and goes back to reading.
A year later, there is another knock at the door. It's the snail again.
"What'd you do that for?"

1

0

Q: What kind of birth control do snakes use?
A: Anacondoms.

1

0

Q: How do you know when a man's going to say something intelligent?
A: He starts his sentence with "My wife told me... ."

1

0

Spegg or Ermm?
What do you get when you cross an egg with a sреrм?
An omlette you probably shouldn't eat.

1

0

Q: Why do they pay sреrм donors?
A: Because otherwise they'd stop coming!

1

0

What's black and white, black and brown, and black and black?
A nun roasting on a spit.

1

0

I love Cosmopolitan Magazine.
I guess it's 'cause it's got a whole bunch of sеxy tips in it. I was reading it a couple weeks ago, and the best sеx, according to Cosmo, is spontaneous sеx. That sounds good, right? So here's what I did: a couple of days later, I was doing the dishes, and I just surprised myself and masturbated.

1

0

What do you call the spot between a woman's vаginа and her вuттhоlе?
A chinrest!

1

0

Q: Did you hear about the guy with square ваlls?
A: He had cubic hairs.

1

0