Most popular jokes

I applied for the position of a keeper at the zoo but turns out I was not koalafied.

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What is the worst thing about sеx with a blond?
A: Bucket seats.
Q: What do Blondes say after sеx?
A1: Thanks Guys.
A2: Are you boys all in the same band?
A3: Do you guys all play for the Swans?
Q: What important question does a blonde ask his/her mate before having sеx?
A: Do you want this by the hour, or the flat rate?
Q: Why do blonde girls have trouble achieving оrgаsм?
A: *Who cares?*
Q: Why do blonds have оrgаsмs ?
A: So they know when to stop having sеx !
Q: How do you tell when a blonde reaches оrgаsм?
A1: She drops her nail-file!
A2: Who cares?
A3: She say 'Next'
A4: The next person in the queue taps you on the shoulder
A5: He's had his clothes for about 2 minutes
A6: I mean, who really cares? A7: The batteries have run out.
Q: What does a blonde say when you вlоw in their ear?
A:"Thanks for the refill!"
Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blond's ear?
A: Data transfer.
Q: Why do blondes have more fun?
A: Because they don't know any better.
Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1:
"What's a lightbulb?"
A2: One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
A3: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!"

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Blonde Jokes Diet and Weight Loss Jokes

While in China, a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a соndом all the time he is there.
A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his реnis covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.
The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says,
"I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here, we know very little about it."
The man looks a little perplexed and says,
"Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc."
The doctor answers, "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your реnis."
The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion."
The doctor replies,
"Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice."
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his реnis and proclaims, "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease."
The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my реnis!"
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, "Sтuрid American docttah, always want to opawate. Make more money dat way. No need to amputate!"
"Oh, Thank you!" the man replies.
"Yes," says the Chinese doctor, "wait two weeks. Faw off by itself!"

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Medical and Doctor Jokes American Jokes

A girl was visiting her blonde friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, “Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?”
“Hellooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo” answered the blonde.”They're watch dogs!”

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Blonde Jokes Dog jokes

A man sat down at a bar, looked into his shirt pocket, and ordered a double scotch.
A few minutes later, the man again peeked into his pocket and ordered another double. This routine was followed for some time, until after looking into his pocket, he told the bartender that he's had enough.
The bartender said, 'I've got to ask you - what's with the pocket business?'
The man replied, 'I have my lawyer's picture in there. When he starts to look honest, I've had enough.'

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Lawyer Jokes

A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice then said,
"But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said,
"Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high!"

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Lawyer Jokes

WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED МURDЕR (actual AP headline) Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her inlaws, and while there, she went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.
Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car.
He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.
The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wаd of bread dough on the back of her head.
A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wаd of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid. And, yes, Linda is a blonde.

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Blonde Jokes

A man is bragging about his new hearing aid. "It's the best I've ever had," he says. "It cost $3,000."
His friend asks, "What kind is it?"
He says,
"Half past four!"

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One-Liner Jokes

A blonde girl enters a store that sells curtains.
She tells the salesman, “I would like to buy a pink curtain in the size of my computer screen.”
The surprised salesman replies, “But, madam, computers do not have curtains.”
And the blonde said, “Helloooo…. I’ve got Windows!”

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Blonde Jokes Computer Jokes One-Liner Jokes

Industrial logging isn't the cause of deforestation.
Chuck Norris needs toothpicks.

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Chuck Norris Jokes Office and Work Jokes

I just had an argument with a girl I know.
She was saying how that it's unfair that if a guy fuскs a different girl every week, he's a legend, but if a girl fuскs just two guys in a year, she's a sluт.
So in response, I told her that if a key opens lots of locks, then it's a master key.
But if a lock is opened by lots of keys, then it's a shiттy lock.
That shut her up.

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Men vs Women Jokes Jokes about Women Men jokes Sex Jokes Communication Jokes

A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car.
After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the street between them. A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so he hurried out and asked the priest what he was doing.
"I'm blessing it," the priest replied.
The rabbi considered this a moment, then went back inside the synagogue.
He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, walked over to the back of the car and cut off two inches of the tailpipe.

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Priest Jokes Priest Jokes

Blonde Bob was asked, "How many seconds there are in a year?"
He answered, "It's gotta be 12 seconds in a year - January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd..."

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One-Liner Jokes Blonde Jokes

Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
A: Take your foot off his head.
Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
A: No? Good!
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of pond sсuм?
A: The bucket.
Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.
Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?
A. In the cemetary.

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Lawyer Jokes

Mrs. Donnell said to her maid:
"Oh Mary, I suspect that my husband is having an affair with his secretary."
"I don't believe it," Mary snapped:
"you're just saying that to make me jealous."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Halloween Jokes Secretary Jokes Cheating Jokes

I never wear a Halloween costume... I'm a character all year long!

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Halloween Jokes One-Liner Jokes

Unable to attend the funeral after his Uncle Charlie died, a man who lived far away called his Blonde brother and told him, 'Do something nice for Uncle Charlie and send me the bill.'
Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense.
But when the $200.00 bills kept arriving every month, he finally called his brother again to find out what was going on.
'Well,' said the Blonde brother, 'you said to do something nice for Uncle Charlie.
So I rented him a tuxedo.'

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Blonde Jokes

I love Monday only during holidays!

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One-Liner Jokes Monday jokes

=> DOCTORS
Supposedly, all women are after a Doctor, so don't expect your relationship to last more than 5 years. Eventually, he'll run off with some nurse from his office, or one of his young women patients that is pretending to be sick. He'll wait until you are stuck with a few kids to do this. This is not a problem with your Engineer husband. He had a hard enough time meeting you. It is unlikely he'll ever meet another woman in his profession.
=> LAWYER
Do You seriously expect an honest, trusting relationship with someone who gets paid for lying? Once again, this is not a problem with your Engineer spouse. He doesn't have enough social skills to lie convincingly. An additional drawback to marrying a lawyer is when the divorce happens you will get nothing.
=> SALESMAN
See honesty segment under Lawyer. Plus, he will be traveling to trade shows, etc. where he will be in the company of other equally trustworthy individuals. Don't be surprised when you get the invitation to show up on the Ricki Lake show. The company that your Engineer husband works at will keep him in a cage, often called a cubicle, until he is ready to go home to you.
=> HAZARDOUS PROFESSIONS, I.E. POLICE OFFICER, FIREFIGHTER, CONSTRUCTION WORKER, ETC.
Your husband, if he is not dead by some accident, will likely be crippled with a back injury, etc. just about the time you are at your sеxuаl peak. The only hazards that your Engineer husband will face is losing his eyesight by staring at the terminal for too long. This hazard actually has some benefits. For one, he will not notice that you are getting older, since you will be a blur. He will remember you as when he first met you, because the memory will still be sharp, and you ask "Honey, were you looking at her?", he'll honestly be able to say that he didn't even see her.
=> TEACHER
The only reason he entered this profession is so that he could be surrounded by newly post-pubescent girls who idolize him. He'll be in jail soon, and then you'll have to look for another man.

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Lawyer Jokes Nurse jokes School Jokes

Taipei, Taiwan (AP) - Diners tempted to liск a plate after a delicious meal can now go a step further - eat the plate.
Chen Liang-erh, 50, an amateur inventor, announced Friday that he had perfected an edible plate made from wheat grain, and that he planned to mass-produce it and other edible crockery including cups, bowls and food containers.
Chen spent six years developing the plate, which he said would retail at about 7 cents each.
Diners who don't want to eat the items - which taste like unsalted popcorn - can boil them for a nutritious meal for animals, he said.
Chen said this can help reduce pollution caused by discarded crockery. The only disadvantage, he said, is his crockery cannot be washed and reused.

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Friday jokes

Most Popular Jokes