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An old lady was very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away.
She went to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly departed husband.
The instant she saw him she started crying. The mortician walked over to comfort her.
Through her tears she explained that she was upset because her dearest Albert was wearing a black suit, and it was his fervent wish to be buried in a blue suit.
The mortician apologized and explained that traditionally they always put bodies in a black suit, but he’d see what he could arrange.
The next day she returned to the funeral parlor to have one last moment with Albert before the funeral the following day.
When the mortician pulled back the curtain, she managed a smile through her tears as Albert was resplendent in a smart blue suit. She said to the mortician, “Wonderful, wonderful, but where did you get that beautiful suit?”
“Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband’s size was brought in and he was wearing a blue suit,” the mortician replied.
“His wife was quite upset because she wanted him buried in the traditional black suit.”
Albert’s wife smiled at the undertaker.
“After that,” he continued, “it was just a matter of swapping the heads.”

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While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.

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Chuck Norris Jokes

Chuck Norris doesn't need a License to drive a car...
The car needs a special license to be driven by Chuck Norris.

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Chuck Norris Jokes Car and driving jokes

Q: How do you make your wife scream while having sеx?
A: Call her and tell her.

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Sex Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Phone jokes

Chuck Norris was born in a log cabin... that he built with his bare hands.

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Chuck Norris Jokes

Q: What's in the wardrobe?
A: Narnia business.

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Business jokes

That awkward moment when somebody is doing dishes and you put another dish in the sink.

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Life Jokes

Your mama is so fат, when she lies on the beach Greenpeace try to push her back in the water.

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Yo Momma Jokes Fat Jokes

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening worship service and was startled to find an intruder in her house.
Catching the man in the act of burglarizing her home, she yelled, “STOP! Acts 2:38!”
(”Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Сhrisт so that your sins may be forgiven.”)
As the burglar stopped dead in his tracks, the woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. Shortly, several officers arrived and took the man into custody.
As he was placing the handcuffs on the burglar, one of the officers asked, “Why did you just stand there?
All the lady did was mention a scripture verse.”
“Scripture?” replied the burglar.
“She said she had an axe and two 38’s!”

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Criminal Jokes Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Men jokes Police Officer Jokes

A petty thief, a teacher and a lawyer die and go to heaven.
When they get there they are stopped by St. Peter, who then says, "Sorry, heaven's crowding up, so you need to answer a question correctly, or else you can't get in."
He looks at the teacher, and asks her: "What was the name of the famous ocean-liner that sank after hitting an iceberg?"
"Oh, that's easy," the teacher replied, "the Titanic."
So St. Peter let her into heaven.
Next he turned to the petty thief. "How many people died on that ship?"
St. Peter asked.
"Oooh, that's tough, but I saw the movie, and it was 1,
500." St. Peter stepped away and the thief walked into heaven.
Finally, St. Peter turned to the lawyer.
He simply said to him: "Name them."

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Religion jokes Lawyer Jokes School Jokes

Chuck Norris doesnt walk, the earth moves under his feet.

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Chuck Norris Jokes

Martin ended a letter to his dad with this question, 'Is Washington's picture still on the dollar bill?'
His Father wrote back, 'Of course it is. Why do you ask?'
Martin answered, 'Because it's been so long since I've seen one!'

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Dad Jokes Money jokes

Teacher: If I lay one egg here and another there, how many eggs will there be?
Fred: None!
Fred (surprised): Why not?
Fred: Because you can't lay eggs!

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School Jokes

Chuck Norris finds it impossible to understand the concept of impossibility.

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Chuck Norris Jokes

Little Johnny was in bible study one morning. Sally was sleeping in front of Johnny.
The teacher asked Sally who our Lord and savior was.
Little Johnny poked her in the вuтт with a pin and she screamed "Jesus Сhrisт!"
And fell back to sleep.
A little while later the teacher asked Sally who created our world.
Johnny poked her in the вuтт again and Sally screamed "oh my god!"
And fell back to sleep.
Later the teacher asked Sally what Eve said to Adam after they had their fifth child.
Johnny poked her in the вuтт and Sally screamed "if you stick that thing in me one more time I'm gonna break it!"

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Religion jokes School Jokes Little Johnny Jokes God Jokes Bible Jokes

Yo momma is so fат when she sat on da toilet it said here's a carrot and a diet coke.

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Yo Momma Jokes Food Jokes Fat Jokes Diet and Weight Loss Jokes

Romi (to the doctor): "Doctor, my sister thinks that she is a lift."
Doctor: "Tell her to come in."
Romi: "I cannot"
Doctor: "Why so?"
Romi: "Because she does not stop at this floor."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes

Do you know why men have holes in the end of their penises?
So oxygen can get into their brains.

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Dirty jokes Men vs Women Jokes Men jokes

Q: What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat?
A: ‘Here Kitty, kitty, kitty’!

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Pet Jokes Animal Jokes

Two men were walking through the woods when a large bear walked out into the clearing not more than fifty feet from them.
The first man dropped his backpack and dug out a pair of running shoes. Then, as the bear slowly approached them, he furiously attempted to lace them up.
The second man, somewhat confused, looked at the first man and said, "Whaddya doing? Running shoes ain’t gonna help! You can't outrun that there bear!"
"I don't need to outrun the bear, buddy," said the first man, "I just need to outrun you."

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