Newest jokes - Page 126

Why did Tupac and Biggie go to Heaven?
They both got Faith!

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Top 10 Things You Don't Want Dubya to Say:
10) My fellow Americans, I have been lying to you all this time. These two beautiful twin daughters I have? They're clones. Mwa-ha-ha-ha!
9) My fellow Americans, I have to admit to something. I accidentally pushed the wrong button on my trip to the SAC base. Me being my red-necked self, I pushed the red button that sent off the missiles to Russia. Say your prayers.
8) My fellow Americans, I have to ask one thing. What's a law?
7) My fellow Americans, we sadly admit that Mr. Cheney is no longer with us. After another heart attack, he has been forced to retire. I shall have to retire too, because without him I'm a lost cause.
6) Another thing to admit. Mr. Bush Sr., my father, is really my brother.
5) And my wife is really my mother.
4) My fellow Americans, I am a clone!!!!
3) My fellow Americans, I have to tell you all something that happened back in November. I rigged the votes. It's been on my small hillbilly mind all this time. Gore really won, but don't tell him (the loser). Oh, did I say that out loud?
2) My fellow Americans, as we speak an asteroid is heading toward Earth. You are all going to die. The key word is you. You. I have a one-way ticket to the U.S. space station, where I'll watch and see you all get blown away by the rock, and I'll laugh evilly from my little room up in space, safe. Unlike you suckers! Ha!
1) I would just like to tell the young Americans that you can just say no to drugs. Just say no. Drugs are bad. Drugs are very bad. That is all. Of course, if I could tell them my side of the story, I would tell them that drugs are very refreshing. I was an addict when I was younger, and it attracts the ladies. I'm not just talking ladies either. I was popular after I smoked. I was cool. It was the one time in my life when I felt accepted.... oh... what? We're still on the air? Oh? Is that what that red glowing light means? Uh... WE ARE NOW EXPERIENCING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES

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You Grew Up in the 80s If...
- You learned to swim about the same time "Jaws" came out and still can't swim nакеd at night.
- Prince's "1999" was the focal point of your plans for an end of the century party.
- You dressed to emulate either Duran Duran, Poison, Маdоnnа, Rick Springfield or Cyndi Lauper.
- You wanted to be gagged with a spoon.
- You had a poster of Bo, Luke & Daisy Duke.
- There was nothing questionable about Bert and Ernie living together.
- You dialed "867-5309" to see if Jenny would answer.
- Your family's cable TV box had the three rows of numbers, and you had to move the selector switch accordingly.

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Celebrity and Pop Culture Jokes

Somebody told me the best way to meet women is to do something you enjoy - right away, you have something in common.
So, I've spent the past year smoking dope and watching television.

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Q: Why didn't they make two Yogi bears?
A: Because someone made a Boo Boo.

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Celebrity and Pop Culture Jokes

Three Texas plastic surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.
One of them said, "I'm the best plastic surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in 5 field events in the Olympics."The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on сосаinе and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's аss and a cowboy hat. Now he's president of the United States."

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What do you call the Xerox of a воnеr?
Hard Copy.

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Celebrity and Pop Culture Jokes

Used to be Willie Thomas, now they're named Muhammad Mustafa Ufumu.
I can't spell it; they can say it, man. Talkin' about, 'Assalamu Alaykum - what's that mean to you?' I said, 'More pork chops.'

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Celebrity and Pop Culture Jokes

What's wrinkled and smells like gingеr?
Fred Astaire's face.

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Celebrity and Pop Culture Jokes

"In honor of the late George Carlin, here are seven more words you can't say on TV: ''And the Emmy goes to Bob Saget."
Jeffrey Ross

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Funny Quotes

Q: What were Tarzan's last words?
A: Who greased the viiiiiiiine?

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Celebrity and Pop Culture Jokes

My computer is like Britney Spears; cheap, white, and plastic.

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Celebrity and Pop Culture Jokes

Q: How did Pinocchio find out he had a wooden d**k?
A: His hand caught on fire.

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Q: Have you ever seen Stevie Wonder's wife?
A: Neither has he.

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There once was a toad that was excluded from all Green Toad activities because he was a handsome shade of yellow. So he went to visit a beautiful fairy in the town over who had the power to grant wishes.
"Fairy," he said. "I would like to be green, so I can play with all the other toads."
"Granted!" said the fairy, who turned him yellow. Unfortunately, his little toady реnis was still yellow.
"What about my реnis?" he asked the fairy.
"Oh! For that, you'll have to go see the wizard." And so the toad hopped off to find the wizard. Soon, a pink elephant visited the fairy, and he wished to be turned gray. She granted him the wish, but, as with the toad, his реnis was still pink. So she told him to visit the wizard.
"How do I find the wizard?" he asked.
"Just follow the yellow d**k toad."

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Celebrity and Pop Culture Jokes

A toad with a yellow реnis wants to fit in with the other toads in the neighborhood, so he decides to see the local wizard.
"You'll have to go to the wizard in Kansas, because I can't help you," says the wizard.
The next day, an elephant comes in with a pink реnis and asks the the wizard to make it gray.
Once again, the wizard says, "You'll have to go to the wizard in Kansas."
"How do I get there?"
"Oh, it's easy - just follow the yellow-d**ked toad."

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Celebrity and Pop Culture Jokes

Ugly clothes last a long time, don't they?
You can't wear out ugly clothes. I used to just crawl to school on my knees, trying to put a hole in the jeans, man. They still built them tough - you can't wear them out.

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What did the groupie get sleeping with the entire band?
Flaming Lips!

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Celebrity and Pop Culture Jokes

-That comment about Elton being "twice the woman" she ever was.
-Caught Eminem fantasizing about killing other women.
-Sick of hiding her love for the Insane Clown Posse.
-Sure, he talks and raps like a black man, but when he takes down his pants...
-Recently overtaken by a strange and unfamiliar compulsion to live past the age of 35.
-I mean come on, people. . . the dude LOST TO STEELY DAN!!!
-Thanks to a recent surgery, her head's no longer implanted deep within her own rестuм.
...And The Top Reason Eminem's Wife Filed For Divorce. . .
-Sick of dating a rich, famous, abusive ваsтаrd. Would like to try a poor, unknown abusive ваsтаrd for a change.

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Celebrity and Pop Culture Jokes

Q: Why are E.T.'s eyes so big?
A: He saw the phone bill.

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