Newest jokes - Page 2384

You are in the middle of a few projects around at your home: putting in a new fence, painting the basement walls, putting in a new garden. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dust, lawn clippings, dirt and paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit -- shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who-knows-what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.
Right in the middle of these projects you realize you need to run to Home Depot for supplies.
Depending on your age you might do the following:
In your 20s:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, вlоw dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes.
Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favourite cologne because, you never know, you just might meet some
Hot chick while standing in the checkout line.
And yes, you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.
In your 30s:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change your shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else.
Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favourite cologne to cover the smell.
The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.
In your 40s:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts.
Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute is almost empty, so don't waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot. Check yourself in the mirror and do more suскing in than flexing.
The hot young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird about thinking she's spicy.
In your 50s:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a hat. Wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't
Want to get dog сrар in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and swear not to wear that shirt any more
Because it makes you look fат.
The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember --
The hat you have on is from Bubba's Bait & Вееr Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms'
In your 60s:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat any more. Hose the dog сrар off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50s.
You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants.
The girl running the register may be cute but you don't have your glasses on, so you're not sure.
In your 70s:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store has your prescriptions ready too. Don't even notice the dog сrар on your shoes.
The young thing at the register stares at you and you realize your ваlls are hanging out the hole in your crotch.
In your 80s:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you need to go to Home Depot. Go to Wal-Mart instead. You went to school with the old lady greeter.
You wander around trying to remember what you are looking for. Then you fаrт out loud and think someone called your name.
In your 90s and beyond:
What's a home deep hое? Something for my garden? Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this? Did I send it? Did you? Who farted?

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Pie-making is a lost таrт.

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One-Liner Jokes

A blonde walks into a bar that has a sign marked:
"For Men Only".
"I'm sorry, ma'am," says the bartender. "We only serve men in this place."
"That's OK," says the blonde. "I'll take two of them..."

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Blonde Jokes One-Liner Jokes

My granddad always used to say;
"As one door closes, another one opens..."
Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.

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Old People Jokes Dad Jokes

A young mother paying a visit to a doctor friend and his wife made no attempt to restrain her five-year-old son, who was ransacking an adjoining room.
But finally, an extra loud clatter of bottles did prompt her to say, "I hope, doctor, you don't mind Johnny being in there."
"No," said the doctor calmly, "He'll be quiet when he gets to the poisons."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes

What do you call a dog that won’t come when you call it, refuses to sleep in it’s bed, and seldom wants to play?
A cat.

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One-Liner Jokes Dog jokes

One day, a bear walks into a bar. He sits down at the counter, and the bartender comes over.
"What'll it be?" asks the bartender.
"I'll have a... вееr," the bear says.
"Alright, one вееr for the bear. But I gotta ask, why the big pause?" asks the bartender.
"I don't know," says the bear. "I was born with them."

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Beer Jokes

Michigan Lawyer:
"Well Barney, so you want me to defend you? Have you got any money?"
Barney:
"No sir. I ain't got no money, but I do get a 1928 Ford Car!"
Lawyer:
"Well you can raise money on that. Now let's see, just what do they accuse you of stealing?"
Barney:
"A 1928 Ford Car."

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Lawyer Jokes

Two blondes, Jane and Sarah, were deep in a philosophical argument.
"Since you're so dамnеd smart," Sarah says,
"Answer this question: why is it that when a slice of buttered bread falls to the ground, it's bound to fall on the buttered side?"
Jane snorts, "It doesn't always land on the buttered side. Here, I'll prove it." She gets out the loaf of bread from the cupboard. Out comes the butter from the fridge. She generously butters the bread. Then she drops it. Butter side up.
"Ha-ha! See?!"
"You think you're so smart. You just buttered the wrong side of the bread!"

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Blonde Jokes

If a man is bald in front, he's a thinker...
If he's bald in the back, he is a lover...
If he's bald in the front and back, he thinks he's a lover.

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One-Liner Jokes

I can guarantee you won't feel any pain, in “no one's hurtin” terms.

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One-Liner Jokes

A blonde was driving down a highway and all of a sudden a cop sitting on the road side turns on his flashing red lights. The blonde seeing the red lights pulls over to the side of the road and waits for the cop.
When the cop gets there he says to the blonde, "Lady you were doing 43 miles per hour in a 30 mile an hour zone."
The blonde says,
"No I wasn't. The sign back there said 43."
To this the cop snaps back, "Lady, look ... that was a highway number sign, this is highway 43 and your doing 43 miles an hour in a 30 mile an hour zone."
The blonde repeats her story again claiming she was not speeding. The cop scratches his head and returns to his car to ask his bald partner what he should do.
After telling his bald partner the story, his partner says,
"Bill, you better give her a ticket. The 401 is just up ahead and then we'll never catch her."

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Blonde Jokes

Waiter:
"How do you like your steak, sir?"
Sir:
"Like winning an argument with my wife."
Waiter:
"Rare it is."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Food Jokes

"Doctor, I think I'm a moth."
"It's not a doctor you need, it's a psychiatrist."
"I was on my way there when I saw your light on."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes One-Liner Jokes

A man tells his doctor that his wife has laryngitis.
The doctor said there was nothing he could do to cure it.
The man said,
"Cure it, I want to prolong it!"

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Medical and Doctor Jokes One-Liner Jokes

A doctor answers his phone and hears the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.
‘We need a fourth for poker,’ said the friend.
‘I’ll be right over,’ whispered the doctor.
As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, ‘Is it serious?’‘Oh yes, quite serious,’ said the doctor gravely. ‘In fact, there are three doctors there already!’Joke of the Day, posted everyday on getfrank. Co. Nz - Click to see the past weeks worth right here...

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Medical and Doctor Jokes

Two elderly folks in a nursing home wanted to get married. Their doctor took each one into his office separately to try and talk them out of it.
He called in the woman and told her that the man had already suffered two heart attacks.
She told the doctor that she didn't care.
The doctor called in the man and told him the woman was suffering from acute angina.
"I know!" he said. "I peeked."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes

After 20 years of marriage a husband and wife go to counseling. When asked what the problem is, the wife breaks into a passionate tirade of every problem they've ever had.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist gets up, walks over to the wife, makes her stand up and kisses her very hard. The woman shuts up and quietly sits down.
The therapist says to the husband, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"
After a moment the husband replies,
"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I fish."

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Monday jokes Friday jokes

I was on a train and this woman opposite looked at me and said "Every time you smile, I feel like inviting you to my place..."
I asked "Are you single?"
She replied "No, I'm a dentist."

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Jokes about Women Dentist Jokes Flirt jokes

Why did Mozart кill all his chickens?
Because when he asked them who the best composer was, they'd all say:
"Bach, Bach, Bach."

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Animal Jokes Music and Musician Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

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