Newest jokes - Page 248

What do a virgin and Harvard University have in common?
They're both hard to get into.

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School Jokes

The dean of a women's college, addressing her charges, concluded, "...and remember, young ladies, you represent not only your own honor but that of the school.
When approached by young men, ask yourself: Is an hour's pleasure worth a lifetime of disgrace? Now, are there any questions?"
A young lady immediately raised her hand and said, "Tell me, how do you make it last an hour?"

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School Jokes

Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot.
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons. Good girls only own one credit card and rarely use it. Bad girls only own one вrа and rarely use it. Good girls wax their floors. Bad girls wax their bikini lines. Good girls blush during love scenes in a movie. Bad girls know they could do it better. Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls. Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls. Good girls wear high heels to work. Bad girls wear high heels to bed. Good girls say, ''Don't... Stop...'' Bad girls say, ''Don't Stop...''

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School Jokes

Q: What's the difference between nerdy co-eds and blonde co-eds?
A: Nerdy co-eds вlоw the curve. blondes вlоw the professor.

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School Jokes Blonde Jokes

A new teacher tries to make use of her psychology courses. The first day of class, she starts by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're sтuрid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stands up. The teacher asks, "Do you think you're sтuрid, Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself."

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School Jokes Little Johnny Jokes Stupid Jokes

Q: How many Manchester United fans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change the light bulb and one to drive down to Kent to pick him up.

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School Jokes

An OHIO STATE UNIVERSITYmortician student walked into the embalming room where a cadaver was lying on the table.
Confident that he knew enough now to begin the procedure without his instructor, hebegan to examine the body. When he rolled it over he was shocked to see a cork inthe man's вuтт. Mystified, he pulled out the cork and immediately heard theUniversity of Michigan fight song come out of the guy's вuтт. Shaken by what had happenedhe quickly shoved the cork back into it's original resting place. He then ran to get hisinstructor, nervously shouting, "Sir, you must come, you won't believe what Idiscovered!" Annoyed by theinterruption, he said, "Let's take a look at this astounding discovery." When they entered themorgue, the teacher was also surprised to see the cork, so he approached the table andpromptly removed the cork. Upon hearing the University of Michigan fight song hequickly replaced the cork in the cadavers вuтт and said, "What's so surprising aboutthat? I've heard thousands of аsshоlеs sing that song!"

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School Jokes Gross Jokes Music and Musician Jokes Student jokes

A little rabbit is running happily through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint.
The rabbit looks at the giraffe and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come. Run with me through the forest! You''ll feel so much better!"
The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit. Then they come across an elephant doing coke.
So the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come. Run with us through the pretty forest, you''ll see, you''ll feel so good!"
The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and coke, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe. The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up.
"Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come. Run with us through the beautiful forest and you''ll feel so good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and mauls the rabbit.
The giraffe and elephant watch in horror and look at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help you."
The lion answers, "That little ваsтаrd! He makes me run around the forest like a f**king idiот every time he's on ecstasy!"

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School Jokes

Four college alumni were climbing a mountain one day. Each was from a different Big Ten school and each proclaimed to be the most loyal of all fans at their alma mater.
As they climbed higher, they argued as to which one of them was the most loyal of all. They continued to argue all the way up the mountain, and finally as they reached the top, the Boilermaker hurled himself off the mountain, shouting, "This is for Purdue!" as he fell to his doom.
Not wanting to be out done, the Wildcat threw himself off the mountain proclaiming, "This is for Northwestern!"
Seeing this, the Buckeye walked over and shouted, "This is for everyone!!!" and pushed the Wolverine off the side of the mountain.

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School Jokes

Q: If an electric train is heading north, which way would the steam be coming out?
A: There wouldn't be any. It's an electric train.

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School Jokes

I just read Latino high school kids came in fifth on their SATs.
Number one was Chinese - OK. Number two was whites - OK. Number three was blacks - OK. Number four were 'others.' Dамn! A whole race of people defeated by a pronoun.

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School Jokes

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal:
"What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a соw have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered, why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants"
Ms. Brooks: What's starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?
Harry: "Coconut."The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open. Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer.
Harry: "Bubble gum"
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling. Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong!"

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A blonde get's in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing. She calls the police and reports a theft. When the police officer comes, he looks at the blonde who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..

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School Jokes Office and Work Jokes Car and driving jokes Blonde Jokes One-Liner Jokes Police Officer Jokes

The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists.
One was a San Francisco State University graduate from an upper-crust family; well-bred, well-connected and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Texas A & M. Go figure. The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word Timbuktu. The San Francisco State graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem: 'Slowly across the desert sand Trekked the dusty caravan. Men on camels, two by two Destination - Timbuktu. The audience went wild! How, they wondered if the redneck could top that?! The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited: Tim and me, a-huntin' went. Met three whоrеs in a pop-up tent. They was three, we was two, So I bucked one and Timbuktu

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Q: What did George W. Bush get on his S.A.T.'s?
A: Drool.

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School Jokes American Presidents Humor

Q: How many teachers does it take to change a light bulb ?
A: Well, teachers generally don't change light bulbs, but a good teacher can make a dim one brighter!

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School Jokes Military Jokes

Little Johnny was walking down the hallway at school.
When he reaches his classroom he looks inside and sees a sub instead of his regular teacher. Johnny sits down and the teacher says, Now students, my name is Ms. Prussy. Not the other word, this word has an r after the first letter. Johnny started laughing. An hour later he forgot her name and said, Your name has an r after the first letter - is it Ms. Crunt?

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School Jokes Little Johnny Jokes Kids Jokes

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from students, it will be our policy to keep all students well taught through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING (S.H.I.T.).
We are trying to give our students more S.H.I.T. than any other schools. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the course, please see your lecturer. You will immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list and our lecturers are especially skilled at seeing you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.
Students who don't know S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EDUCATIONAL EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.).
Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EDUCATIONAL ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our lecturers took S.H.I.T. before they graduated, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, as they are all full of S.H.I.T. already. If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be intersted in a job teaching others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.).
For students who are attending to pursue a carrier in management and consultancy, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.). This course emphasizes on how to manage M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.
If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.) Thank you, BOSS IN GENERAL SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G. S.H.I.T.) Thank you, BOSS IN GENERAL SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)
Sincerely, Dean B. Reel

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A frat boy gets into the back of a cab and asks the cabbie, "Do you have enough room up there for a pizza and a six pack of вееr?"
The cabbie says, "Sure." So the frat boy leans forward and throws up.

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School Jokes Beer Jokes

A student is taking his final exams.
He takes his seat in the exam hall, stares at the questions and then in a fit for inspiration takes his shoes off and throws them out of the window. He then removes his shirt, pants and socks. The teacher, alarmed, approached him and asked what is going on? "I am only following the instructions - the test paper states, answer the questions in brief.''

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