Newest jokes - Page 335

Two guys and a union worker were fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and joined them in the boat. When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked, humbly, "Jesus, I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam War...could you help me?"
"Of course, my son," Jesus said, and when he touched the man's back, he felt relief for the first time in years.The second man, who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving, asked if Jesus could do anything about his eyesight.Jesus smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them in the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared, and he could see everything distinctly.When Jesus turned to heal the union worker, the guy put his hands up and cried, defensively, "DON'T TOUCH ME! I'm on long-term disability!"

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Religion jokes

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
A penny saved is ridiculous.
All that glitters has a high refractive index.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Anarchy is better than no government at all.
Any small object when dropped will hide under a larger object.
Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.

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Political Jokes

Dad, will you help me with my homework?"
"I'm sorry," replied the father. "It wouldn't be right."
"Well, " said the boy, "at least you could try."

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Parent Jokes One-Liner Jokes

Following an especially angry argument, Mr. and Mrs. Smith went to bed not speaking to each other. Needing to arise early the following morning, Mr. Smith left a note on his wife's bedside table that said "Wake me at six."
An exasperated Mr. Smith awoke at ten the following morning and rolled stiffly out of bed to see a note on his bedside table: "It's six, you вuм! Get out of bed!"

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Marriage and Family Jokes

Three women were returning to their Hungarian village when they spotted a man, obviously very inebriated, walking ahead of them.
As they watched him stumbling, he fell face down into a mud puddle. When they walked up to him, one woman turned him over to see if she recognized him.
However, his face was so covered with mud that she веnт over and unzipped his pants.
She remarked, "Well, he's not my husband."
The second woman peering over her shoulder agreed, "Your right, he's not your husband."
The third woman, somewhat older than the other two, веnт over to look and said, "He's not from our village."

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Jokes about Women

Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again asking why I didn't do something useful with my time...
Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing.
Talking about my "doing something useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.
She was "only thinking of me" and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys.
I did this and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business.
I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a parachute club.
She replied, "Are you nuts? You are 70 years old, and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"
I told her that I even got a membership card and e-mailed a copy to her.
She immediately telephoned me, "Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Рrоsтiтuте Club, not a Parachute Club."
"Oh man, I'm in trouble again; I really don't know what to do... I signed up for five jumps a week."
The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that she had fainted.
Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier but sometimes it can be fun ...

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Aviation Jokes

A man walked out to the street and caught a black taxi just going by:
He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said. "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian!"
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time!"
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody!"
Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy!"
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right!"
Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then!"
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan!"
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his fuскing widow!"......

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Jokes about Women Car and driving jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Food Jokes Computer Jokes Men jokes Wine jokes Golf jokes Single People Jokes

l always carry a pebble with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in October. l call it my jingle веll rock.

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Christmas Jokes

Everyone thinks i'm overdramatic when i'm upset, but when an Octopus gets stressed out, it eats itself.
Now THAT'S overdramatic.

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Jokes

Just burned 2000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap

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Jokes

My pal tells me he always cries after having sеx. I told him it was his own fault for getting sent to prison in the 1st place.

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Sex Jokes

A jumbo jet is just coming into the Toronto Airport on its final approach. The pilot comes on the intercom,
"This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto."
He forgets to switch off the intercom, and the whole plane can hear his conversation with his co-pilot.
The copilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, watcha gonna do in Toronto?"
"Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big сrар . . . then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge тiтs out for dinner . . . . then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and put it to her big time all night long!"
Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the isles, trying to get a look at the new stewardess.
Meanwhile the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she tries to run to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and falls on her face. The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gonna take a shiт first."

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Pilot Jokes Military Jokes Aviation Jokes Boob Jokes Hotel Jokes

Two ladies having lunch and one whispers,
"I'm having a воов job"
The other lady replies,
"That's nothing, I'm having my аrsеhоlе Bleached"
First lady says,
"Really? I can't imagine your husband as a blonde"

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Blonde Jokes Dirty jokes

I discovered that answering the door nакеd helps deter trick or treater's.
Oh, Here we go again, here's two dressed as policemen...

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Halloween Jokes

This fellow is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his backyard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws.The dealer tells him, "Look, I have a lot of models, but why don't you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of-the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day."So, the man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw. "How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?" the man asks himself. "I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day," the man tells himself.So, the next morning the man gets up at 4 am in the morning and cuts and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and still he only manages to cut five cords.The man is convinced this is a bad saw. "The dealer told me it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem. I will take this saw back to the dealer," the man says to himself.The very next day the man brings the saw back to the dealer and explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by the man's claim, removes the chainsaw from the case. The dealer says, "Hmm, it looks fine."Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which the man responds, "What's that noise?

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Office and Work Jokes

A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night asks his mother, "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"
The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure."
The son thanks his mom, and then seeks his father opinion, "Dad, why are wedding dresses white?" The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white."

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Marriage and Family Jokes

As Gayle was getting to know Jim and his family, she was very impressed by how much his parents loved each other.
"They're so thoughtful," Gayle said. "Why, your dad even brings your mom a cup of hot coffee in bed every morning."
After a time, Gayle and Jim were engaged, and then they married. On the way from the wedding to the reception, Gayle again remarked on Jim's loving parents and even the coffee in bed.
"Tell me," she said, "does it run in the family?"
"It sure does," replied Jim. "And I take after my mom."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Coffee Jokes

First Freshman in Math Exam: "How far are you from the correct answer?"
Second Freshman in Math Exam: "About two seats away."

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One-Liner Jokes

"I have good news and bad news," a defense attorney told his client. "First the bad news: The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with the sample found on the victim's dress."
"Oh, no - I'm ruined!" cried the client. "What's the good news?"
"Your cholesterol is down to 140!"

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Judge and Court Jokes

As a sergeant in a parachute regiment I took part in several night time exercises. Once, I was seated next to a Lieutenant fresh from Jump School.
He was quiet sad looked a bit pale so I struck up a conversation."Scared, Lieutenant?", I asked. He replied, "No, just a bit apprehensive."
I asked, "What's the difference?"
He replied, "That means I'm scared with a university education."

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School Jokes Military Jokes

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