Newest jokes - Page 543

I went out drinking on St. Patrick's Day, so I took a bus home.
That may not be a big deal to you, but I've never driven a bus before.

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"Daddy, there is a man at the door. He says he is collecting for the nursing home."
"That's perfect. Tell him grandpa is coming in a moment."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Dad Jokes

There were these two blonds and they locked their keys in their car.
The one blonde says to the other, "What do we do? Do we get a coat hanger and pick the lock?"
The other one replied, "No, people will think we're trying to break in."
The other one said, "Well do we get a knife and cut the rubber and pop the lock?"
The other one answered," No, people will think we're too sтuрid to use the coat hanger."
The other one said, "Well we better think of something quick because it's starting to rain and the sunroof is open."

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Blonde Jokes Car and driving jokes Communication Jokes Stupid Jokes Weather jokes

Teeth says to tongue: if I just press a little, you'll get cut.
Tongue replies: if i misuse a single word, all 32 of you will come out.

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Dentist Jokes Single People Jokes Life Jokes

A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

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Old People Jokes Jokes about Women Dark Humor Jokes Communication Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

The old couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says:
'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting at this same breakfast table together.'
'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here nакеd as a jaybird, too .'
'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat back down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My niррlеs are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal.'

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Old People Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Coffee Jokes

Wife: "Give me some money. I want to buy a вrа."
Husband: "Why? You have nothing to put in it!"
Wife: "You wear shorts!"

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Marriage and Family Jokes Money jokes Beauty Jokes Communication Jokes

How do two programmers make money?
One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses.

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IT jokes Money jokes Computer Jokes Programmer Jokes

Diplomacy is the art of saying, "Nice Doggy", until your sniреr gets the range.

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Military Jokes Life Jokes

A man was being interviewed for a job.
"Were you in the service?" the interviewer asks.
"Yes, I was a Marine," responds the applicant.
"Did you see any active duty?"
"I was in Vietnam for two years and I have a partial disability."
"May I ask what happened?"
"Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs and I lost both testicles."
"You're hired. You can start Monday at 10 a.m."
"When does everyone else start? I don't want any preferential treatment because of my disability."
"Everyone else starts at 7 a.m., but I might as well be honest with you. Nothing gets done between 7 and 10. We just sit around scratching our ваlls trying to decide what to do first."

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Military Jokes Monday jokes

A very respected Captain in the Foreign Legion was transferred to a remote desert outpost.
On his orientation tour he noticed a very old seedy looking camel tied out behind the enlisted men’s barracks.
He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, “Why is a camel tied to the barracks?”
The Sergeant replied, “Well sir, it’s a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sеxuаl urges, so when they do … uh … we have the camel ready for them.”
The Captain said, “Well, I suppose if it’s good for morale, then I guess it’s all right with me”.
After he had been stationed at the fort for six long, lonely months, the Captain simply couldn’t control his sеxuаl angst any longer.
He barked to his Sergeant: “BRING THE CAMEL INTO MY TENT!”
The Sergeant shrugged his shoulders, looked at the other men, and lead the camel into the Captain’s quarters.
Within a few minutes, the Captain emerged from his tent, fastening his trousers, almost beaming with pride.
“So, Sergeant, is that how the enlisted men do it?” he asked.
The Sergeant replied, “Well, sir, usually they just use it to ride into town.”

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Military Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes

Q: Why did God create Adam before he created eve?
A: Because he didn't want anyone telling him how to make Adam.

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Men jokes Men vs Women Jokes God Jokes

So a man walks into a bar with a large box, the bar tender goes up to him and asks “whats in the box”.
The man says “I’ll show ya’ if you get me a вееr.”
So of course the bar tender gets the man a вееr, the man drinks it, and he pulls out a little foot tall man and he pulls out a little piano.
The little man starts playing the piano!
Next the bar tender asks “hey! thats prety cool, where did ya’ get that?”
The man says” I’ll tell ya’ if you get me another вееr.”
So the bar tender gets the man another вееr, the man drinks it, and he says “I got it from a geenie and a lamp”
The bar tender says “If ya’ let me barrow that geenie and that lamp I’ll give ya’ another вееr.”
The man says “Oh, Okay!”
The bar tender gets the man another вееr, the man drinks it, and the man gives the bar tender the lamp.
The bar tender rubs the lamp and the geenie pops out!
The geenie says “Master, I grant you one wish, what is it?”
The bar tender says “I wish for a million bucks!” And all of a sudden a million ducks start flying into the room.
“What the heck is this! I wished for a million bucks not a million ducks!”
And the man says “Well did you think I wished for a 12 inched pianist!”

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Men jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Beer Jokes

Every box of raisins is a tragic tale of grapes that could have been wine.

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Food Jokes Wine jokes

Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his Mercedes.
Morris shouted across the garage, "Hey DeBakey! Is that you? Come on ova' here a minute."
The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris the mechanic was working on the car.
Morris straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, "So Mr. Fancy Doctor, look at dis here work. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish dis baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get da big bucks, when you an' me is doing basically da same work?"
Dr. DeBakey leaned over and whispered to Morris the loudmouth mechanic. "Try doing it with the engine running."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Office and Work Jokes Car and driving jokes Boss Jokes

An aching back sent me stumbling to the drugstore for relief.
After a search, I found what I was looking for: a selection of heating pads specifically for people with back pain—all on the bottom shelf.

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Drug Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Customer service jokes

A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future holds.
His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him:
"You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog is thrilled, "This is great!
"Will I meet her at a party?" he croaks.
"No," says the psychic, "in biology class."

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School Jokes Animal Jokes Science jokes Beauty Jokes Phone jokes Biology jokes

A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says:
"Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?"
The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?"
A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?"
Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?"
The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing and the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing." He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him."
"Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband.
"What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"

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Marriage and Family Jokes Office and Work Jokes Food Jokes Sex Jokes Couple jokes

A man, during his night prays, asks God:
"Oh, Lord... Why you’ve made women so beautiful?"
God replies: "So you can love them, my child."
"Fine, but my Lord, why you’ve made them so sтuрid?"
"So that they can love you back, my child...!"

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Men vs Women Jokes Jokes about Women God Jokes Men jokes Beauty Jokes Love Jokes Stupid Jokes

The Perfect Man:
- wakes up at 5 am everyday
- exercises everyday
- makes his own bed
- cleans his room
- works sincerely
- does not touch alcohol
- helps in the kitchen
- does not indulge in night life
- always punctual
- prays daily
- hits the bed at 9 pm sharp
Such a perfect man can only be found in jail.

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Men jokes Office and Work Jokes Men vs Women Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

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