Newest jokes - Page 616

A policeman on a motorcycle pulls over a car.
‘What’s up?’ says the driver.
‘Your wife fell out the passenger door three miles back,’ says the policeman.
‘Thank goodness for that,’ says the driver. ‘I thought I’d gone deaf.’

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An Australian Combat Field Engineer Sergeant and a U.S Marine were on exchange duty and were sharing the latrines.
The Aussie Sergeant finished first and walked out without washing his hands.
The U.S Marine watched in disgust, finished his squirt, washed his hands and walked up to the Aussie Sergeant and said.
In the U.S Marine Corps we were taught to wash our hands after a leak”.
The rather large Aussie Sergeant replied, ” In the Australian Army mate, we were taught not to рiss on our hands …! ”

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Military Jokes

What’s the rudest type of Elf?
The GofuckyoursElf.

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Double Meaning and Wordplay Jokes Dirty jokes

Why do bald men have holes in their pockets?
So they can run their fingers through their hair.

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Funny Riddles Men jokes

Sleep is my drug….my bed is my dealer and my alarm clock is the police.

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Police Officer Jokes Drug Jokes

Before Instagram, I used to waste so much time sitting around having to imagine what my friends' food looked like.

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One-Liner Jokes Technology Jokes Food Jokes Computer Jokes Social Network Jokes Friendship Jokes Internet Jokes

Judge: Haven’t I seen you before?
Man: Yes, Your Honor. I taught your daughter how to play the drums.
Judge: Twenty years!

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Judge and Court Jokes Men jokes

Chuck Norris adds Facebook as a friend.

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Facebook Jokes Chuck Norris Jokes Friendship Jokes

The minister of a city church enjoyed a drink now and then, but his passion was for peach brandy.
One of his congregants would make him a bottle each Christmas.
One year, when the minister went to visit his friend, hoping for his usual Christmas present, he was not disappointed, but his friend told him that he had to thank him for the peach brandy from the pulpit the next Sunday.
In his haste to get the bottle, the minister hurriedly agreed and left.
So the next Sunday the minister suddenly remembered that he had to make a public announcement that he was being supplied alcohol from a member of the church.
That morning, his friend sat in the church with a grin on his face, waiting to see the minister's embarrassment.
The minister climbed into the pulpit and said, "Before we begin, I have an announcement.
I would very much like to thank my friend, Joe, for his kind gift of peaches ... and for the spirit in which they were given!"

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Christmas Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Friendship Jokes

Q: What do a gang member and a redneck have in common?
A: They both know how to throw a good hое down.

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Redneck jokes

For once in my life, I’d like to get up in the morning and be as excited about it as my реnis.

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Funny Quotes

For the past eight months, since Valentine’s Day, I have been trying to find the dude that sent my g/f a Valentine’s card and a dozen long-stemmed roses.
…
…
The guy needs serious psychiatric help.

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Valentine's Day Jokes Dating Jokes

A length of rope walks into a bar.
The bartender looks at him and says "get out, we don't serve ropes in here!"
The rope goes outside and cuts himself in half and ties his two sections together.
Not pleased with his appearance, he takes a comb and combs out his ends.
He walks back into the bar and the bartender says "hey, aren't you that rope I just kicked out?"
And the rope replied "no, I'm a frayed knot."

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes

Teacher: Shamu, go to the map and find North America.
Shamu: Here it is!
Teacher: Correct. Now, Ramu, who discovered America?
Ramu: Shamu!

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USA Jokes School Jokes

I unfollowed Taylor Swift on Twitter...
I'm sure she's gonna write a song about it.

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Social Network Jokes Jokes about Women Celebrity and Pop Culture Jokes Music and Musician Jokes

What kind of car does a Jedi drive?
A Toy-YODA!

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Star Wars Jokes Religion jokes Double Meaning and Wordplay Jokes Military Jokes

What do you get if you cross a Kindle with an Apple iPhone 4S?
4Skin.

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Apple and iPhone Jokes Technology Jokes Computer Jokes Programmer Jokes Phone jokes

As a member of the organization that installs computer systems aboard Navy ships, I am mindful of how important the off-ship e-mail capabilities are to sailor morale, especially when some vessels are deployed for up to six months.
One day while shopping at the base commissary, I noticed another crucial aspect of my job.
I was behind a frazzled mother with two active children, and as I watched, she stalked over to where her young son had perched himself on the rail of the freezer case.
"If you don't get off there right now," she commanded, "I'm going to e-mail your father!"

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Computer Jokes Technology Jokes Kids Jokes Military Jokes Sailor Jokes

Chuck Norris installed his own home security system. It's called "Chuck Norris."

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Chuck Norris Jokes

A Boyfriend texts his Girlfriend saying "Hey ваве you wanna come over and have sеx?"
Girlfriend texts back "Duh!"
So the girl goes over her Boyfriends house, and right before they get into it, he sets the boundaries. "Ok, so my little brother is home, and I have bunk beds. He's on the bottom bunk. If you want it harder, you say tomato. If you want it faster, you say lettuce, and if you want to moan you say any other ingredients that would be on a sandwich."
So they're up on the top bunk having sеx, and she's yelling "Tomato! Tomato! Lettuce! Lettuce! Cheese! Cheese!"
Well the little brother is still on the bottom bunk and yells "Hey can you guys knock it off, your getting Mayonnaise all over me!!!"

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Sex Jokes Food Jokes Dirty jokes

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