Newest jokes - Page 617

Q: What does the zero say to the the eight?
A: Nice belt!

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Math Jokes

Why did Нiтlеr go to the eye doctor?
Because he can Nаzi.

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Hitler Jokes

A salesmen rang a house doorbell and it was answered by a kid wearing a top hat, a purple cape, smoking a cigar and drinking a glass of white wine.
The salesmen asked:
"Are your parents home?"
The kid replied:
"What does it look like?"

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Wine jokes Kids Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged down. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen in front of them.

The young farmer stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free.

The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today."

The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, "When do you have time to plow your land? At night?"

"No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the water in the hole"

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Farmer Jokes Friendship Jokes

FEMALE GEOGRAPHY
- Between 18 and 25, a woman is like Africa : wild, naturally beautiful and full of mysterious, fertile deltas.
- Between 26 and 34, a woman is like America : well-developed and open for trade, especially for those with stacks of money.
- Between 35 and 44, a woman is like India : sensual, relaxed, in full bloom, aware of her beauty.
- Between 45 and 54, a woman is like France : deliciously mature, still a pleasant destination to visit.
- Between 55 and 60, a woman is like Yugoslavia : a lost war, haunted by the mistakes of the past. Major reconstruction work is mostly the only answer.
- Between 61 and 65, a woman is like Russia : vast, with undefined frontier. The cold climate puts off any potential visitors.
- Between 66 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia : a glorious past, great conquests, but without a future.
- After 70, a woman is like Afghanistan or the north pole: many know its whereabouts, but no-one dares to venture there…
MALE GEOGRAPHY
- Between 15 and 90, a man is like Zimbabwe or America : ruled by a diск…

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Military Jokes Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Money jokes Men jokes USA Jokes Russian Jokes Africa Jokes Sexist Jokes

A young blind boy is being tucked into bed by his mother. The mom says "Now Billy, pray really hard tonight and tomorrow, your wish will come true!". Billy says, "Ok mommy." and goes to sleep. The next morning, Billy wakes up and screams "MOMMY! I'm still blind, my wish didn't come true!", the mom answered, "I know - April Fools!"

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Dark Humor Jokes April Fools' Jokes Anti-Humor Jokes

Ring out the old, ring in the new,
Ring, happy bells, across the snow:
The year is going, let him go;
Ring out the false, ring in the true.

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New year jokes Funny Poems

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Zany
Zany who?
Zany body home?

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Knock-knock jokes Kids Jokes Double Meaning and Wordplay Jokes

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his torch around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, ‘Jesus knows you’re here.’
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his torch off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and
continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a веll he heard ‘Jesus is watching you.’
Freaked out, he shone his torch around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his torch
beam came to rest on a parrot. ‘Did you say that?’ he hissed at the parrot. ‘Yep’, the parrot confessed, then squawked, ‘I’m just trying to warn you that he is watching you.’ The burglar relaxed. ‘Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you ?’
‘Моsеs,’ replied the bird. ‘Моsеs?’ the burglar laughed. ‘What kind of people would name a bird Моsеs?’ ‘The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.’

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Parrot jokes Animal Jokes

BREAKING NEWS :
-
Police are actively seeking to speak to anyone who has seen Kim Kardashian’s Ring..???
Well, besides Me, all of China, the USA, Asia and Europe, basically most of the people on the Planet then, have seen it at least once..

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Police Officer Jokes Celebrity and Pop Culture Jokes News and Politics Jokes USA Jokes Asian jokes Europe and European Union Jokes

During work Mike and John are chatting...
Mike:
"I've been taking night courses for five months now, and I have an exam next week."
John:
"Oh!"
Mike:
"For example, do you know who Graham Веll is?"
John:
"No."
Mike:
"He is the inventor of the phone in 1876. If you take night courses you would know this."
The next day the same discussion took place:
Mike:
"Do you know who Alexander Dumas is?"
John:
"No."
Mike:
"He is the author of "The 3 Musketeers". If you took night courses you would know this."
The next day, once again:
Mike:
"And do you know who Jean Jacques Rousseau is?"
John:
"No."
Mike:
"He's the author of "Confessions", if you took night courses you would know this."
Now this time John got irritated and said, "And do you know who Steven Turner is?"
Mike:
"No."
John:
"He is the guy sleeping with your wife! If you stopped night duties you would know this!"

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Cheating Jokes Superhero Jokes

It's the day before Thanksgiving, and the butcher is just locking up when a man begins pounding on the front door.
"Please let me in," says the man desperately. "I forgot to buy a turkey, and my wife will кill me if I don't come home with one."
"Okay," says the butcher, "let me see what I have left." He goes into the freezer and discovers that there's only one scrawny turkey left. He brings it out to show the man.
"That one is too skinny. What else have you got?" says the man.
The butcher takes the bird back into the freezer and waits a few minutes and brings the same turkey back out to the man.
"Oh, no," says the man, "That one doesn't look any better. You'd better give me both of them!"

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Thanksgiving Jokes

What is height of Activelaziness?
Asking for a lift to house while on a morning walk.

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Fitness jokes

What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?
Telling you his real name.

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Relationship Jokes Men vs Women Jokes Men jokes

The Winter Olympics.
Letting white people win at sports no one else can afford to learn.

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Ethnic and Racial Jokes Sports Jokes White people jokes

What time do Chinese people go to the dentist? Tooth hurty (2:30)

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Dentist Jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes

While we all get checked by the airport security, Chuck checks the airport security.

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Aviation Jokes Chuck Norris Jokes

Yo mamma is sтuрid she bought tickets to Flo ridas concert but instead she went to Florida.

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Music and Musician Jokes Yo Momma Jokes Stupid Jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes

In anatomy class at medical school, suddenly one of the dead bodies sat straight up!

The instructor said, “OK, who said Abra-Cadaver?”

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College jokes School Jokes

A blonde is watching a ventriloquist perform at a bar and the ventriloquist, with his duммy, is telling blonde joke after blonde joke, filling the bar with laughter.
After several of these jokes, the blonde stands up, infuriated, and yells, "Listen here, jack*ss. Not all blondes are sтuрid and the jokes need to stop, it is a very cheap way to get laughs."
Stunned, the ventriloquist timidly begins to apologize, "Ma'am, I am so sorry. I had no idea I was offending anyone."
The blonde replies, "Stay out of this, sir. I'm talking to that little sh*t on your knee!"

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Bar and Bartender Jokes Blonde Jokes Stupid Jokes

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