Newest jokes - Page 648

A literature teacher is explaining the power of poems and stories. "Have you ever read something that made you cry?"
A student replied, "Yeah, my last report card."

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David had been extremely anxious for years. It got to the point where his compulsive worrying was ruining his life, so he went to a psychiatrist, who recommended that David hire a professional worrier.
After he'd been working with the specialist for a few months, David's friend John noticed a change. "What happened?" John asked. "You don't worry about anything anymore."
"I hired a professional worrier!" David answered.
"That must cost a fortune," John said.
"Yes, he charges $3,000 a month," David said sheepishly.
"Three thousand dollars! How can you ever afford to pay him?" John exclaimed.
"I don't know," David said. "That's his problem."

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Psychology and Psychiatry Jokes

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the сhiрs and dip coming. -- Alan, age 10 No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. -- Kristen, age 10 WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED? Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. -- Camille, age 10 HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED? You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. -- Derrick, age 8 WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON? Both don't want any more kids. -- Lori, age 8 WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE? Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. -- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. -- Martin, age 10 WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR? I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. -- Craig, age 9 WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? When they're rich. -- Pam, age 7 The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. - - Curt, age 7 The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. -- Howard, age 8 IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED? It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. -- Anita, age 9 (bless you child) HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED? There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? -- Kelvin, age 8 And the #1 Favorite is........ HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK? Tell your wife that she looks pre tty, even if she looks like a dump truck. -- Ricky, age 10

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Marriage and Family Jokes

A screaming, yelling mob were tearing up the High Street.
A policeman stops one runner, and asks, "What's happening?"
"A lion has escaped," he gasps.
"Which way did it go?" enquires the bobby.
"Well we're not вlооdy chasing it!"

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Police Officer Jokes One-Liner Jokes

The dentist pulls out a Novocain needle to give the man a shot, so he can extract the man's tooth. 'No way! No needles. I hate needles' the patient said.
The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me! The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill. 'No objection,' the patient says. 'I'm fine with pills.'
The dentist then returns and says, Here's a Viаgrа tablet.'
The patient says, 'Wow! I didn't know Viаgrа worked as a pain killer!'
It doesn't' said the dentist, 'but it's going to give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth.

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Dentist Jokes Viagra jokes

My wife asked me today if I had seen the dog bowl...
I said I didn’t know he could!

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One-Liner Jokes Dog jokes

How do you start a fairy tale in the modern era?
"If elected, I promise..."

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One-Liner Jokes

Knowledge isn't free,
you have to pay attention.

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Science jokes

Applicant: Shows up 45 minutes late for interview to be a cable installer.
Interviewer: “You’re hired.”

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One-Liner Jokes

A little girl and a little boy were at day-care one day. The girl approached the boy and said, "Hey Billy, want to play house?"
He said, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"
Sally replied, "I want you to communicate your feelings."
"Communicate my feelings?" said a bewildered Billy. "I have no idea what that means."
The little girl nods and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband".

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Marriage and Family Jokes

On her way back from the concession stand, Sandra asked the man at the end of the row, "Sir, did I step on your foot a minute ago?"
Expecting an apology the man said, "Indeed you did."
Sandra nodded, "Oh, good. Then this is my row."

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One-Liner Jokes

A man climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai and gets close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord,
"God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
The man then asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Then he asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."

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Religion jokes

I was in Paris, with orders to replace my boss's antique white chesspieces. He told me, “Spare no expense!” He gave me a blanc échec.

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One-Liner Jokes Boss Jokes

Our parents got divorced when we were kids and it was kind of cool. We got to go to divorce court with them. It was like a game show. My mom won the house and car. We're all excited. My dad got some luggage.
Tom Arnold

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One-Liner Jokes

I had an office so small...
That when I put the key in the door, I broke a window.

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One-Liner Jokes

A man is in a restaurant where a pianist is playing in a corner.
"Do you play things on request?" calls the man to the pianist.
"Oh yes, sir," says the pianist.
"Great," says the man. "Play dominoes."

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Music and Musician Jokes One-Liner Jokes Restaurant Jokes

Q: Where do ghosts buy their Halloween candy?
A: At the ghost-ery store! Q: What do owls say when they go trick or treating?
A: Happy Owl-ween! Q: What do ghosts give out to trick or treaters?
A: Booberries! Q: Who did Frankenstein go trick or treating with?
A: His ghoul friend. Q: What Halloween candy is never on time for the party?
A: Choco-LATE! Q: Which type of pants do ghosts wear to trick or treat?
A: Boo jeans. Q: What makes trick or treating with twin witches so challenging?
A: You never know which witch is which! Q: What monster plays tricks on Halloween?
A: Prank-enstein! Q: What fruit do scarecrows love the most?
A: Straw-berries. Q: What does a witch use to do her hair?
A: Scarespray! Q: What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog?
A: He is мisт. Q:How do you fix a cracked pumpkin?
A: A pumpkin patch. Q: Why don’t vampires have more friends?
A: Because they are a pain in the neck. Q: What position does a ghost play in hockey?
A: Ghoulie. Q: What do you give a vampire when he’s sick?
A: Coffin-drops. Q: What is a ghost's nose full of?
A: Boooooogers! Q: Have you heard how popular the local cemetery is?
A: People are just dying to get in. Q: Why was the broom late?
A: It over swept.

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Halloween Jokes One-Liner Jokes Vampire jokes

Q: Where does Count Dracula usually eat his lunch?
A: At the casketeria. Q: What part of the street do vampires live on?
A: The dead end. Q: What do you get when you divide your jack-o’-lantern’s circumference by its diameter?
A: Pumpkin-pi! Q: What can you say about a horrible mummy joke?
A: It Sphinx! Q: What do you call a vampire that lives in a kitchen?
A: Count Spatula. Q: What do ghosts wear when their eyesight gets blurred?
A: Spooktacles Q: What would be the national holiday for a nation of vampires?
A: Fangs-giving! Q: What’s a zombie’s favorite cereal?
A: Rice Creepies. Q: Where do ghosts go on holidays?
A: The Boohamas. Q: What did one ghost say to the other?
A: Get a life! Q: What did the fisherman say on Halloween?
A: Trick or trout. How do ghosts search the Q: Web?
A: They use ghoul-gle. Q: What goes around a haunted house and never stops?
A: A fence. Q: Who do monsters buy cookies from?
A: Ghoul scouts. Q: Why is a cemetery a great place to write a story?
A: Because there are so many plots there! Q: Why do Jack-o-lanterns have wicked smiles?
A: Because they just had their brains scooped out! Q: Where is the best place to party on Halloween?
A: The g-RAVE-yard. Q: Why did the baby wrap itself in white cloth strips?
A: It was just trying to be just like its mummy. Q: Why do ghosts like to hang out at bars?
A: Because all of the Boos. Q: Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
A: No body.

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Halloween Jokes One-Liner Jokes Vampire jokes

Q: What happens when you're too harsh on cranberries and make them sad?
A: They turn into blueberries. Q: What's the difference between Election Day and Thanksgiving?
A: On Thanksgiving, you get a turkey for the day. On Election Day, you get a turkey for four years. Q: Why did the turkey cross the road?
A: It was Thanksgiving Day and he wanted people to think he was a chicken! A first grade class was asked to write a paragraph called "What I'm thankful for on Thanksgiving."
Little Johnny's began, "I am thankful that I'm not a turkey." Q: When did the Pilgrims first say, "God bless America?"
A: The first time they heard America sneeze. Q: What do you call Thanksgiving if you're selfish?
A: Thanks-taking. My husband doesn't think housework is a full-time job. So for Thanksgiving, I served him a raw turkey because revenge is a dish best served cold. Why did the farmer run a steamroller over his potato field on Thanksgiving Day?
He wanted to raise mashed potatoes. Q: What do you get when you cross a turkey with a banjo?
A: A turkey that can pluck itself! Q: What did baby corn say to mama corn?
A: Where's popcorn? Q: What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day?
A: God save the kin. Q: What did the turkey say to the turkey hunter on Thanksgiving Day?
A: Quack! Quack! Q: Which part of the turkey do drummers prefer?
A: The drumstick, or course! Q: What's the main ingredient in Thanksgiving bread?
A: May-flour! Q: Where's the only place that Christmas comes before Thanksgiving?
A: In the dictionary! Q: What's a pumpkin's favorite sport?
A: Squash! Q: What do you call it when it rains turkeys?
A: Foul weather! Q: What sound does a turkey's phone make?
A: Wing, wing. Q: What's the smallest unit of measurement in the pilgrim cookbook?
A: Pilgram. Q: How did Albert Einstein celebrate Thanksgiving?
A: He was very thinkful. Q: Why did the Pilgrim eat a candle?
A: He wanted a light snack. Q: Why was the cook late to Thanksgiving dinner?
A: He lost track of thyme. Q: Why did the turkey sit on the tomahawk?
A: To try to hatchet. Q: Why do turkeys lay eggs?
A: Because if they dropped them, they would break. Q: If fruit comes from a fruit tree, where does turkey come from?
A: A poul-tree. Q: What do you get when a turkey lays an egg on a hill?
A: An eggroll.

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Thanksgiving Jokes

Once, Yogi Berra's wife Carmen asked, "Yogi, you are from St. Louis, we live in New Jersey, and you played ball in New York. If you go before I do, where would you like me to have you buried?"
Yogi replied, "Surprise me."

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One-Liner Jokes

Latest Jokes