Newest jokes - Page 647

A man is in a restaurant where a pianist is playing in a corner.
"Do you play things on request?" calls the man to the pianist.
"Oh yes, sir," says the pianist.
"Great," says the man. "Play dominoes."

73 0

Q: Where do ghosts buy their Halloween candy?
A: At the ghost-ery store! Q: What do owls say when they go trick or treating?
A: Happy Owl-ween! Q: What do ghosts give out to trick or treaters?
A: Booberries! Q: Who did Frankenstein go trick or treating with?
A: His ghoul friend. Q: What Halloween candy is never on time for the party?
A: Choco-LATE! Q: Which type of pants do ghosts wear to trick or treat?
A: Boo jeans. Q: What makes trick or treating with twin witches so challenging?
A: You never know which witch is which! Q: What monster plays tricks on Halloween?
A: Prank-enstein! Q: What fruit do scarecrows love the most?
A: Straw-berries. Q: What does a witch use to do her hair?
A: Scarespray! Q: What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog?
A: He is мisт. Q:How do you fix a cracked pumpkin?
A: A pumpkin patch. Q: Why don’t vampires have more friends?
A: Because they are a pain in the neck. Q: What position does a ghost play in hockey?
A: Ghoulie. Q: What do you give a vampire when he’s sick?
A: Coffin-drops. Q: What is a ghost's nose full of?
A: Boooooogers! Q: Have you heard how popular the local cemetery is?
A: People are just dying to get in. Q: Why was the broom late?
A: It over swept.

73 0

Halloween Jokes One-Liner Jokes Vampire jokes

Q: Where does Count Dracula usually eat his lunch?
A: At the casketeria. Q: What part of the street do vampires live on?
A: The dead end. Q: What do you get when you divide your jack-o’-lantern’s circumference by its diameter?
A: Pumpkin-pi! Q: What can you say about a horrible mummy joke?
A: It Sphinx! Q: What do you call a vampire that lives in a kitchen?
A: Count Spatula. Q: What do ghosts wear when their eyesight gets blurred?
A: Spooktacles Q: What would be the national holiday for a nation of vampires?
A: Fangs-giving! Q: What’s a zombie’s favorite cereal?
A: Rice Creepies. Q: Where do ghosts go on holidays?
A: The Boohamas. Q: What did one ghost say to the other?
A: Get a life! Q: What did the fisherman say on Halloween?
A: Trick or trout. How do ghosts search the Q: Web?
A: They use ghoul-gle. Q: What goes around a haunted house and never stops?
A: A fence. Q: Who do monsters buy cookies from?
A: Ghoul scouts. Q: Why is a cemetery a great place to write a story?
A: Because there are so many plots there! Q: Why do Jack-o-lanterns have wicked smiles?
A: Because they just had their brains scooped out! Q: Where is the best place to party on Halloween?
A: The g-RAVE-yard. Q: Why did the baby wrap itself in white cloth strips?
A: It was just trying to be just like its mummy. Q: Why do ghosts like to hang out at bars?
A: Because all of the Boos. Q: Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
A: No body.

74 0

Halloween Jokes One-Liner Jokes Vampire jokes

Q: What happens when you're too harsh on cranberries and make them sad?
A: They turn into blueberries. Q: What's the difference between Election Day and Thanksgiving?
A: On Thanksgiving, you get a turkey for the day. On Election Day, you get a turkey for four years. Q: Why did the turkey cross the road?
A: It was Thanksgiving Day and he wanted people to think he was a chicken! A first grade class was asked to write a paragraph called "What I'm thankful for on Thanksgiving."
Little Johnny's began, "I am thankful that I'm not a turkey." Q: When did the Pilgrims first say, "God bless America?"
A: The first time they heard America sneeze. Q: What do you call Thanksgiving if you're selfish?
A: Thanks-taking. My husband doesn't think housework is a full-time job. So for Thanksgiving, I served him a raw turkey because revenge is a dish best served cold. Why did the farmer run a steamroller over his potato field on Thanksgiving Day?
He wanted to raise mashed potatoes. Q: What do you get when you cross a turkey with a banjo?
A: A turkey that can pluck itself! Q: What did baby corn say to mama corn?
A: Where's popcorn? Q: What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day?
A: God save the kin. Q: What did the turkey say to the turkey hunter on Thanksgiving Day?
A: Quack! Quack! Q: Which part of the turkey do drummers prefer?
A: The drumstick, or course! Q: What's the main ingredient in Thanksgiving bread?
A: May-flour! Q: Where's the only place that Christmas comes before Thanksgiving?
A: In the dictionary! Q: What's a pumpkin's favorite sport?
A: Squash! Q: What do you call it when it rains turkeys?
A: Foul weather! Q: What sound does a turkey's phone make?
A: Wing, wing. Q: What's the smallest unit of measurement in the pilgrim cookbook?
A: Pilgram. Q: How did Albert Einstein celebrate Thanksgiving?
A: He was very thinkful. Q: Why did the Pilgrim eat a candle?
A: He wanted a light snack. Q: Why was the cook late to Thanksgiving dinner?
A: He lost track of thyme. Q: Why did the turkey sit on the tomahawk?
A: To try to hatchet. Q: Why do turkeys lay eggs?
A: Because if they dropped them, they would break. Q: If fruit comes from a fruit tree, where does turkey come from?
A: A poul-tree. Q: What do you get when a turkey lays an egg on a hill?
A: An eggroll.

73 0

Thanksgiving Jokes

Once, Yogi Berra's wife Carmen asked, "Yogi, you are from St. Louis, we live in New Jersey, and you played ball in New York. If you go before I do, where would you like me to have you buried?"
Yogi replied, "Surprise me."

73 0

One-Liner Jokes

The inventor of the umbrella was originally going to call it brella...
But he hesitated.

73 0

One-Liner Jokes

I walked in on my girlfriend having sеx with her fitness trainer.
Me: "Okay, this isn't working out."

77 0

Sex Jokes Sports Jokes Love Jokes

An angry wife to her husband on phone:
"Where the hеll are you?"
Husband:
"Darling, you remember that jewelery shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it, and I didn't have money that time, and I said 'Baby it'll be yours one day'?"
Wife, with a smile and blushing:
"Yeah I remember that my love!"
Husband:
"I'm in the pub just next to that shop."

74 0

Men jokes

On the first day God created the соw. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The соw said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty."

And God agreed.

On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten."

So God agreed (*sigh*).

On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span." Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?"

And God agreed again (...???...)

On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sеx, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years."

Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way, man. Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty соw gave back, and the ten dog gave back and the ten monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."

So, that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sеx, enjoy, and do nothing. For the next forty years we slаvе in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.

75 0

Farmer Jokes God Jokes Dog jokes

My wife is incredibly smart.
When I called her from my buddy’s phone she answered, “Hey love!”
She already knew it was me.

80 0

One-Liner Jokes

When Bill Gates died, he went up to Heaven, where Sаinт Peter showed him to his house; a beautiful 20 room house, with grounds and a tennis court. Bill Gates was pleased, and spent many months enjoying the amenities of Heaven.One day, he was enjoying one of Heaven's many fine parks, when he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit."That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did you get it?"
"Actually," the man replied, "I was given a hundred of these when I got here. I've been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill overlooking a beautiful hill, with a huge five-hundred acre estate, a golf course, and three Rolls Royces."
"Were you a Pope, or a doctor healing the sick?" asked Gates."No," said his new friend, "Actually, I was the captain of the Titanic."Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stalked off to find St. Peter.Cornering Peter, he told him about the man he had just met, saying, "How could you give me a paltry new house, while you're showering new cars, a mansion, and fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic? I invented the Windows operating system! Why does he deserve better??!!!!"
"Yes, but we use Windows," replied Peter, "and the Titanic only crashed once."

79 0

Microsoft and Bill Gates Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Military Jokes

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked wherehe is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and theeffects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying outlate."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time ofnight?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."
Don't take life too seriously..........no one makes it out alive anyway!!!

75 0

Police Officer Jokes

A traveling salesman goes to a farm house. The farmer goes, I could put you up for one night, but youll have to stay in the barn. So he spends the night there and the next morning the farmer comes in, he goes, Were you comfortable? He goes, I had a great time; I talked to all the animals. He goes, You talked to the animals? He goes, Yeah I spoke to the chickens, they say you collect the eggs every morning exactly at five minutes after six. He goes, Thats exactly right. He says, The horse tells me his name is Otis, youve owned him for 10 years. He goes, Thats incredible. And he goes, I spoke to the соw, the соw says that her name is Elsie and you milk her every morning at exactly 8:30. And then I spoke to the sheep. And the farmer goes, Those sheep are lying.

73 0

Farmer Jokes

I broke up with my girlfriend of 5 years because I found out she was a communist...
I should have known, there were red flags everywhere.

75 0

One-Liner Jokes

Good news, the Lego store has reopened...
People are lined up for blocks!

75 0

One-Liner Jokes

I built a model of Mount Everest.
My son asked, “Is it to scale?”
I replied, “No... it’s to look at.”

75 0

One-Liner Jokes

Someone broke into my garage last night and took a bunch of stuff, including my limbo stick!
Seriously, how low can you go?

75 0

One-Liner Jokes

The opposite of isolate...
... is yousoearly.

75 0

One-Liner Jokes

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town ofJohnstown got up early and went to the local church. Before theservice started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews andtalking about their lives, their families, etc.
Suddenly, the Devil himself appeared in front of the congregation.Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance,trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone was evacuated from the church except for one elderlygentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly obliviousto the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
Now this confused Sатаn a bit, so he walked up to the man and said,"Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked "Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't youafraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "I been married to your sister for 48 years."

87 0

Church jokes

One day, an immigrant from Poland entered a New York City Police Precinct to report that his American wife was planning to кill him.
The police officer on duty was intrigued by this, and he asked, "How sure are you that she is gonna кill you? Did she threaten to кill you?"
"No," replied the nervous immigrant.
"Did you hear her tell someone else that she's gonna кill you?"
"No."
"Did someone tell you that your wife is gonna кill you?"
"No."
"Then why did you think she's gonna кill you?" asked the exasperated police officer.
"Because I found bottle on dresser and I think she gonna poison me!"
He handed the police officer the suspect bottle. The police officer took one look at the label on the bottle and started to laugh out loud.
The immigrant became indignant and said, "What so funny? Can't you see the label on bottle said 'Polish Remover'?"

77 0

Police Officer Jokes American Jokes

Latest Jokes