Latest Jokes

A little girl and her mother were out and about. The girl, out of the blue, asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?" The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older."
The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?" Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up."
The girl, still wanting to know about her mother, fires off another question, "Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?" The mother, a little annoyed by the line of questioning, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."
The little girl, frustrated, sulks until she is dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consults with her girlfriend about the conversation she had with her mother. The girlfriend says, "All you have to do is sneak and look at your mother's driver's license. It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything. Later, the little girl and her mother are out and about again. The little girl starts off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years old."
The mother is very shocked. She asks, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"
The little girl shrugs and says, I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds."
"Where did you learn that?"
The little girl says, "I just know. And I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sеx."
Divorce Jokes School Jokes
'Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder:.............
What was I thinking?''Congratulations on your wedding day!.............
Too bad no one likes your wife.''How could two people as beautiful you............
have such an ugly baby?''I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.........
After having met you, I've changed my mind.''I must admit, you brought Religion in my life...........
I never believed in Неll until I met you.''As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am.......
that you're not here to ruin it for me.''As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me.
Like the need for therapy...''Thanks for being a part of my life!!!..........
I never knew what evil was before this!''Before you go,.........
I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again.''Someday I hope to get married............
but not to you.''You look great for your age.......
Almost Lifelike!''When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.........
Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.''I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend.......
So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys.''We have been friends for a very long time...........
What do you say we call it quits?''I'm so miserable without you..................
It's almost like you're here.''Congratulations on your new bundle of joy...............
Did you ever find out who the father was?''You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket....
I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.'
Jokes
A man goes in to a bar. He approaches the bartender.
"Hi mate. Listen, I don't have any cash on me at the moment, do you think you can spot me a pint?"
The bartender scoffs. "No chance mate, we're not here for that."
The man pauses for a moment, and then makes an offer. "What if I show you something that you've never seen before? If you've never seen it, all my drinks are on the house for the night."
"Pfft," the barman scoffs. "Yeah, alright. Let's see what you've got."
The man reaches in to his bag and pulls out a frog, and a tiny piano. He sets them on the bar, the frog hops over to the piano and starts to play a beautiful rendition of Mozart's Die Zauberflöte.
The barman is stunned. "Well, I'll be! You've got something there, I'll give you that. Fair enough mate, drinks are on me...but I want the frog and the piano. How about 1,000 for them?"
"I couldn't do that. The frog is my livelihood."
"How about 2,000?"
"Deal."
The man spends the entire night drinking, partying away, and stumbles home at closing time.
Fast forward a few days, and the same man returns. "Listen mate. For the sake of the joke, I've spent all the money you gave me and I'm strapped for money again. Any chance of spotting me for a pint?"
The barman says, "No, we already went through this. We're not a charity."
"Ahh, but what if I show you something you've never seen before?"
The barman is amused. "You came here last with a frog that plays a piano, I've seen it all! But go on then, what have you got?"
The man pulls out a mouse and sets it on the bar. It sits there, looking around and minding his own business.
"That's just a mouse! I've got enough mice to deal with, I don't need another one!"
The mouse pipes up. "Just a mouse?! I'll have you know I've been quite well educated, sir!"
The barman jumps back. "The mouse...the mouse just spoke! It's a talking mouse! Listen mate, all your drinks are on the house, but I've got to have the mouse as well! I will give you 3,000 for him!"
The man accepts the money, and continues his evening of free drinks. But as the night goes on, and the man gets more belligerent, he stumbles over to the bar to talk to the barman.
"Listen mate, here's you 3,000 back. I feel terrible about what I've done."
The barman scoffs. "Sorry mate, but a deal is a deal, and I've bought the mouse off you fair and square. I'm keeping him!"
The man says, "I don't care, just please take the money. It was all a trick! The mouse doesn't talk...the frog is a ventriloquist."
Music and Musician Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Animal Jokes
A guy goes to an interview for a job as a government accountant.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you a veteran?"
The guy says, "Why yes, in fact, I served two tours in Vietnam."
"Good," says the interviewer, "that counts in your favor. Do you have any service related disabilities?"
The guy says, "In fact I am 100% disabled. During a battle, an explosion removed my gеniтаls so they declared me disabled... but it doesn't affect my ability to work, though."
"Sorry to hear about the damage, but I have some good news for you, I can hire you right now! Our working hours are 8 to 4. Come on in tomorrow about 10, and we'll get you started."
The guy says, "If working hours are from 8 to 4, why do you want me to come at 10?"
"Well, here in the government offices, we don't do anything but sit round and scratch our ваlls for the first two hours. No point your coming in for that."
Retired Marine Αναζήτηση εργασίας... Мъж отива да търси работа в Канадските пощи. Интервюиращият го пита: Един човек кандидатства за държавна работа. Подал документи и стигнал до лично интервю. C'est l'histoire d'un mec qui veut se faire embaucher aux impôts. Il passe les différents entretiens ; tout se passe bien et au dernier moment il se sent obligé d'apporter quelques précisions : A man was being interviewed for a job. Einstellungstest bei der Stadtverwaltung: "Sind Sie gegen etwas allergisch?" "Ja, gegen Koffein, deshalb trinke ich auch keinen Kaffee." "Okay, das bringt Ihnen 5 Extrapunkte für Ihr Bewerberkonto." "Waren Sie beim Militär?" "Ja, ich war zwei Jahre im Irak stationiert." "Sehr schön, das bringt... C'est l'histoire du personne qui veut se faire embaucher aux services des impôts.A la fin de son entretien il dit à son futur patron : "Vous savez monsieur je ne sais pas si c'est grave mais pendant la guerre j'ai perdu une testicule. -Oh mais ne vous inquiétez pas du coup venez demain à 11h -Oh... Le DRH : - Bonjour, asseyez-vous et parlez-moi de vous. Le candidat fonctionnaire : - Je dois vous informer que je suis handicapé. Le DRH : - Grave ? Le gars : - J'ai sauté sur une mine et j'ai... Facet na rozmowie o pracę: - Gdzie Pan wcześniej pracował? - Służyłem w armii. Byłem w marines. - Uczestniczył Pan w jakimś konflikcie wojskowym? - Owszem. Byłem dwa lata w Wietnamie i tam zdarzył... Le recruteur lui demande: - « Êtes-vous allergique à quelque chose? » Il répond: - « Oui, la caféine. Je ne peux pas boire de café. » « OK, avez-vous déjà fait le service militaire? » «Oui»,... Интервю за работа в държавната администрация. Интервюиращият: - Разкажете ни повече за себе си? - Ами бях наемен войник преди време, настъпих мина и си загубих топките. Другото важно е, че имам... En Veteran kommer inn på NAV for et jobbintervju. En avdelingsdirektør skal intervjue ham og spør ham: "Har du vært i militærtjeneste?" "Ja," svarer Veteranen. "Jeg har vært i Afghanistan i tre...
Accountant Jokes