Newest jokes - Page 649

A man traveling by train asks the ticket collector what time the train stops at Victoria.
"Sir, we don't stop at Victoria."
"But I have to get off there!"
"Well, there might be one thing I can do. I might be able to get the engineer to slow down the train a little. Then I can dangle you out the door and lower you onto the platform."
"Will that work?"
"It's worth a try."
As they approached the platform, the train is slowing from 50 MPH. The collector hangs the man in mid-air out the door. The man starts running in mid-air. "Run faster! Faster!" He lowers the man and the man's feet touch the platform. His shoes start to smoke! His heel comes off! He's running at 30 MPH. He's made it! He starts to slow down! The other passengers stare in amazement.
As the last car goes by, a hand grabs the man by the shirt collar and lifts the man right back into the train! As he's helped back on the train the gent who picked him up says,
"Man you're lucky I was here to help! This train doesn't even STOP in Victoria!"

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An old-time pastor was riding furiously down the road, hurrying to get to church on time. Suddenly, his horse stumbled and threw him to the ground.
Lying in the dirt, his body wracked with pain, the pastor called out, "All you angels in heaven, help me get up on my horse!"
With extraordinary strength, he leaped onto the horse's back and fell off the other side.
From the ground again, he called out, "All right, just half of you angels this time!"

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Church jokes

Because of a dense fog, a steamboat had to stop at the mouth of the river. A passenger demanded to know the cause of the delay.
"Can't see up the river," the harassed captain replied. "Fog's too thick."
"But I can see the stars overhead," the passenger said.
"Yes," the captain growled, "but unless the engines explode, we're not going that way."

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Sailor Jokes Military Jokes

A man and his girlfriend are having a sеxuаl encounter.
He asks her to "go downtown", so, with a sigh, she gets on her knees in front of him and starts peering at his gеniтаls, looking and tipping her head this way and that, studying the whole business.
After about five minutes of this, he asked her in a sort of peeved voice, "Well, just what are you doing?"
She replied, "I'm doing what I always do when I'm downtown with no money -- just looking."

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Sex Jokes

What gender pronouns does a chocolate bar use?
Her/she.

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One-Liner Jokes

A man goes into hospital for a vasectomy. When he wakes up he's surrounded by several anxious looking doctors and asks nervously, "Is there a problem?"
The head surgeon says gently, with tears in his eyes, "I'm afraid so...I'm sorry but your notes got mixed up and we've given you a sеx change rather than a vasectomy."
The patient is devastated and shockingly replies, "Do you mean to say I'll never experience another еrестiоn?"
The surgeon pauses for a moment then says, "Well, you might, but it won't be yours."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes

Doctor:
"Have you been drinking fluids?"
Patient:
"Jeez, Doc, that's literally all I drink."

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One-Liner Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

The CEO of IKEA was just elected president in Sweden.
He should have his cabinet together by the end of the week.

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One-Liner Jokes

Tim: I wish I had the money to buy an elephant.
Tom: What do you want with an elephant?
Tim: Nothing, I just want the money.

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One-Liner Jokes

I'm an investor in mashed potatoes. I receive lump some payments.

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One-Liner Jokes

A woman answered her front door and saw a little boy holding a list.
"Ma'am," he explained, "I'm on a scavenger hunt, and I still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop воnе and a piece of used carbon paper so I can earn a dollar."
"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?"
"My babysitter's boyfriend."

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Kids Jokes

Diск: Great News! Teacher said we would have a test rain or shine.
Jane: What’s so great about that?
Dick: It’s snowing.

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One-Liner Jokes School Jokes

After the eighty-three year old lady finished her annual physical examination, the doctor said, "You are in fine shape for your age, Mrs. Mallory, but tell me, do you still have inтеrсоursе?"
"Just a minute, I'll have to ask my husband," she said.
She stepped out into the crowded reception room and yelled out loud, "Bob, do we still have inтеrсоursе?"
And there was a hush. You could hear a pin drop...
Bob answered impatiently, "If I told you once, Irma, I told you a hundred times... What we have is... Blue Cross*!"
-------
* The Blue Cross Blue Shield is a federation of 39 United States health insurance companies

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Old People Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Insurance Comedy

A grandmother sent her grandson a shirt for his birthday. The only trouble was that he had a size 14 neck and the shirt was size 12.
When the grandson sent a thank you note, he wrote, “Dear Grandma. Thanks a lot for the shirt. I’d write more, but I’m all choked up.”

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Old People Jokes One-Liner Jokes Grandparent Jokes

"Are you going to be using your lawn mower Saturday?"
"Yes, I will be."
"Good... so can I borrow your car then?"

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One-Liner Jokes

A literature teacher is explaining the power of poems and stories. "Have you ever read something that made you cry?"
A student replied, "Yeah, my last report card."

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School Jokes One-Liner Jokes

David had been extremely anxious for years. It got to the point where his compulsive worrying was ruining his life, so he went to a psychiatrist, who recommended that David hire a professional worrier.
After he'd been working with the specialist for a few months, David's friend John noticed a change. "What happened?" John asked. "You don't worry about anything anymore."
"I hired a professional worrier!" David answered.
"That must cost a fortune," John said.
"Yes, he charges $3,000 a month," David said sheepishly.
"Three thousand dollars! How can you ever afford to pay him?" John exclaimed.
"I don't know," David said. "That's his problem."

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Psychology and Psychiatry Jokes

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the сhiрs and dip coming. -- Alan, age 10 No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. -- Kristen, age 10 WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED? Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. -- Camille, age 10 HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED? You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. -- Derrick, age 8 WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON? Both don't want any more kids. -- Lori, age 8 WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE? Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. -- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. -- Martin, age 10 WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR? I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. -- Craig, age 9 WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? When they're rich. -- Pam, age 7 The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. - - Curt, age 7 The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. -- Howard, age 8 IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED? It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. -- Anita, age 9 (bless you child) HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED? There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? -- Kelvin, age 8 And the #1 Favorite is........ HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK? Tell your wife that she looks pre tty, even if she looks like a dump truck. -- Ricky, age 10

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Marriage and Family Jokes

A screaming, yelling mob were tearing up the High Street.
A policeman stops one runner, and asks, "What's happening?"
"A lion has escaped," he gasps.
"Which way did it go?" enquires the bobby.
"Well we're not вlооdy chasing it!"

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Police Officer Jokes One-Liner Jokes

The dentist pulls out a Novocain needle to give the man a shot, so he can extract the man's tooth. 'No way! No needles. I hate needles' the patient said.
The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me! The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill. 'No objection,' the patient says. 'I'm fine with pills.'
The dentist then returns and says, Here's a Viаgrа tablet.'
The patient says, 'Wow! I didn't know Viаgrа worked as a pain killer!'
It doesn't' said the dentist, 'but it's going to give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth.

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Dentist Jokes Viagra jokes

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