Newest jokes - Page 658

Mr. Jones is traveling with his wife and mother-in-law in a far east country. At a place of honor his mother-in-law makes a careless remark, which the native people take as an insult to the royal family.
Mr. Jones is dragged off to court with his wife and mother-in-law and are sentenced to corporal punishment. Each of them are to receive 50 lashes on the rear end with a cane. But because the royal family doesn’t want to appear hostile to foreigners, they grant the guests in their country a wish beforehand, as long as it is able to be fulfilled.
Mrs. Jones is first.
“What do you wish for yourself?”
“I would like a pillow bound on my rear end before the lashings.”
“Okay, that shall be granted to you.”
Mrs. Jones has the pillow bound to her rear end and receives her punishment. But because the pillow is too small and the executioner also hits her back a couple of times, she receives a few blows.
Next it is Mr. Jones’ mother-in-law’s turn.
“What do you wish for yourself?”
“I would like a pillow bound on my rear end and a pillow bound on my back before the lashings.”
“Okay, that shall be granted to you.”
The mother-in-law receives her fifty lashes, but hardly feels the pain through the pillows.
Then comes Mr. Jones himself.
“What do you wish for yourself?”
“I have two wishes. Do you want to fulfill them for me?”
“Because you are a guest in our country, we want to fulfill your wishes for you, as long as they are reasonable.”
“I would like 100 lashes instead of 50.”
The executioner is surprised, but recovers again right away and replies, “Yes, that is a pious wish, it shall be granted to you. And what is your second wish?”
“I would like to have my mother-in-law bound to my back.”

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There was a boy and his mother was about to go to work.
She said, "Do not open the door for nobody".
The boy said, "Okay."
So after the mother left a girl came to their house and she said to the boy, "Let me in."
The boy said, "I don’t want to, maybe tomorrow”"
So the girl went to the window and started knocking on it.
Once again she said, "Let me in."
The boy finally gave up and let her in.
So once she got in she said, "Let’s go upstairs."
The boy said, "I don’t want to, maybe tomorrow."
The girl kept asking him so he finally gave up.
When his mama came into his room she said, "Get off that girl."
The boy said, "I don’t want to, maybe tomorrow!"

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Office and Work Jokes Kids Jokes

Little Johnny’s teacher was grading student essays about actual family experiences. She came upon Little Johnny’s paper entitled, “The time my dad told me to jump out of the tree and he would catch me.”

Tearing up his teacher knew she’d been too hard on little Johnny for misbehaving and such. She felt terrible just knowing how hard his life must be. Not wanting to read each painful word she decided to give Little Johnny an 'A' without reading it.

Surprised to see an 'A', Johnny was quite puzzled. He thought to himself, "My teacher couldn’t have like the part when my dad caught me and told me that some people can be trusted. She must have liked the part where I stomped on his big toe and called him a wimp."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Little Johnny Jokes Dad Jokes School Jokes

Jim decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his golf shoes. His wife was standing there watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit golfing. Maybe you should sell your golf clubs."
Jim gets this horrified look on his face. She says,
"Darling, what's wrong?"
- ”There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife.”
"Ex-wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"
"I wasn't."

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Marriage and Family Jokes

I've got a new anorexic girlfriend.
Its not going too well though.
I'm just seeing less and less of her ...

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Men vs Women Jokes Jokes about Women

A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in Vegas.
She’s down to her last $50.
Exasperated, she exclaims, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?"
A man standing next to her, trying to calm her down, suggests, "I don’t know… why don’t you play your age?"
He walks away.
Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table.
Thinking maybe she’d won, he rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd.
The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.
The man is stunned.
He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"
The operator replies, "I don’t know. She put all her money on 29, and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!"

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Money jokes Jokes about Women Men vs Women Jokes Men jokes

I read this article recently that, officially, one in three people in New York are Latino. So if you look to your left and you look to your right, and neither one of those people look Hispanic, folks -- you're, in fact, a Latino.

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Nationality Jokes

God called a meeting of George Bush, Tony Blair and Bill Gates.
‘I’ve given you all the tools you needed to make a better world,’ says God.
‘But you’ve failed and I’m ending the world in two weeks.’
Bush goes on TV and says, ‘I have good news and bad news.
The good news is that God exists. The bad news is that the world will end in two weeks.’
Tony Blair says, ‘I have bad news and really bad news.
The bad news is that God is really annoyed.
The really bad news is he’s going to destroy us.’
Bill Gates calls his workers together and says, ‘I have good news and great news.
The good news is that God thinks I’m one of the three most powerful people in the world.
The great news is that we don’t have to fix the bugs in the new Windows package.’

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Office and Work Jokes News and Politics Jokes God Jokes Computer Jokes Programmer Jokes American Presidents Humor

I don't drink; I'm a non-drinker. I told my friends I don't drink because alcoholism runs in my family. And you think my friends would respect that, but they don't. Every time we hang out, it's always the same thing. My friends are always like, 'Yo, Dwayne, yo, I know you don't drink, right. I'm saying, I know you don't drink -- but you gonna get drunк tonight!'

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Friendship Jokes Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

Angelina Jolie can curve a bullet. Chuck Norris can curve a laser.

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Chuck Norris Jokes Celebrity and Pop Culture Jokes

How many schoolteachers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Anything not completed during the lesson is added to the homework.

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School Jokes

Two guys are out hunting deer...
The first guy says, "Did you see that?...pointing to the sky."
"No," the second guy says.
"Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead!" the first guy says.
"Oh," says the second guy.
A couple of minutes later, pointing to a far ridge, the first guy says, "Did you see that?"
"See what?" the second guy asks.
"Are you blind?
There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there!"
"Yah, Ok", says the second guy again with a bit of irritation in his voice.
A few minutes later the first guy says:
"Did you see that?"
This time pointing behind them.
By now, the second guy is getting very aggravated and says, "Yah, I SAW IT!"
And the first guy says:
"Then why did you step in it?"

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Sports Jokes

What's black, smells and has 17 тiтs?
The bin bags outside the вrеаsт cancer ward.

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Gross Jokes Boob Jokes

There are 4 guys in a car, 1 from Iowa,1 from Wisconsin, 1 from Florida, and 1 from Illinois.
The guy from Florida says "I’m tired of seeing oranges everyday" so he throws some oranges out the window.
So then the guy from Iowa says "I’m tired of seeing Corn everyday" so he throws some corn out the window.
The guy from Wisconsin is very inspired so he opens the door and pushs the guy from Illinois out of the car!

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Car and driving jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes

A man walked into the doctor's office and said:
"Doc, I've eaten something that disagrees with me."
A voice from his stomach replies:
"No you haven't."

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Office and Work Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes

A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street.
Cop: Do you know where you were going?
Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad because all the cars were leaving.

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One-Liner Jokes Blonde Jokes Police Officer Jokes

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by what appears to be a bloodthirsty group of cannibals.
Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, “Oh God, I’m ∫cuked.”
There is a ray of light from the sky above and a voice booms out: “No, you are not ∫cuked. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you.”
So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the life out of the chief. He stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 cannibals with a look of shock on their faces.
The voice booms out again: “Now you’re ∫cuked.”

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Religion jokes God Jokes Boss Jokes

Q: Do you know why women over fifty don't have babies?
A: They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.

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Old People Jokes Jokes about Women Baby Jokes

Our generation never got a break. When we were young they taught us to respect our elders...
Now that we are older, they tell us to listen to the youth of the country.

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One-Liner Jokes

Welcome to England... where the only sun is a вlооdy newspaper!!

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British Jokes

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