Newest jokes - Page 812

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said,
“Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.”
The gentleman replied, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations.
I’ve changed my will three times!”

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The waitress asked how I would like my coffee.
I told her: "like my woman - hot and black".

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Jokes about Women Waiter Jokes Customer service jokes Black People Jokes Coffee Jokes

A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce.
The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says, "Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce."
"Because," the man says, "I live in a two-story house."
The Judge replies, "What kind of a reason is that!
What's the big deal about a two-story house?"
The man answers, "Well Judge, one story is...**I have a headache** and the other story is **It's that time of the month!** "

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Divorce Jokes Lawyer Jokes

Yo mama is so fат Donald Trump used her as the wall.

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Political Jokes Yo Momma Jokes American Presidents Humor

Q: Why do vegetarians give good head?
A: Beause they're used to eating nuts.

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Food Jokes Dirty jokes Vegan and Vegetarian Jokes

Q: What's long and hard and has сuм in it?
A: Cucumber, dirтy people.

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Food Jokes Dirty jokes Funny Riddles

Men wake up as good-looking as when they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

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Jokes about Women Men vs Women Jokes

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy.“

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Animal Jokes Pet Jokes Dog jokes

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.
To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green.
After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.
The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall."

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Golf jokes

A mother and father took their 6 year old son to a nudе beach.
As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had воовs вiggеr than his mother's, and asked her why.
She told her son, "The вiggеr they are the dumber the person is."
The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger williеs than his dad. His mother replied, "The вiggеr they are the dumber the person is."
Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play.
Shortly after, the boy returned again.
He promptly tells his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."

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Men vs Women Jokes Kids Jokes Old People Jokes Stupid Jokes Boob Jokes

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me.
They're for him.
He's my brother.
He's four.
He saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim and ride a bike.
Right now, he can't do either one."

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Kids Jokes

We haue no fuel for this bus. But thars ok because we have no driver either

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Brexit Jokes

What's the problem with an Asian pet store?
There's always a kitchen in the back.

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Ethnic and Racial Jokes Asian jokes

My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot.
It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

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Animal Jokes Pet Jokes Dog jokes Good jokes

An old county doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby.
It was so far out that there was no electricity.
Then the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5 year old child.
The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby.
The child did so, the mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the new born baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.
"Hit him again," the child said.
"He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!"

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Kids Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

Once upon a time, there was a cat who died.
When she got to heaven, God asked her how she liked being on earth.
She told the Lord that it was awful, she had to sleep in cold back alleys where there was no food and life was hard.
God told her that he was sorry it had had turned out that way but here, in heaven, she would be happy and He would give her the most comfortable, warm pillow to sleep on.
The cat laid down upon the pillow and was happy.
A few days later, about a dozen mice that came to heaven together and God asked them how they had liked earth.
Earth was no better for them than it was the cat.
They explained to God that it was tough and exhausting and their feet were worn out from always running from cats and dogs and people.
God felt bad for the mice and decided to give them rollerskates.
One day God sees the cat again and asked her how she was liking heaven.
She explained that it was absolutely wonderful.
The pillow he gave her was the most comfortable place that she had ever slept on, but even better than the pillow were the meals on wheels.

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Animal Jokes Heaven And Hell Jokes Dog jokes

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost.
She reduced altitude and spotted a man below.
She descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me?
I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am."
The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground.
You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am", replied the man.
"How did you know?"
"Well, answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip even more."
The man below responded, "You must be in management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going.
You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air.
You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems?!!"

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Management Jokes

Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon?
Great food but no atmosphere.

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Food Jokes Waiter Jokes Space jokes Restaurant Jokes

A man in a hurry taking his eight-year-old son to school made a turn at a red light where it was prohibited.
"Uh-oh, I think I just made an illegal turn!" the man said.
"It's okay, Dad," the boy said, "The police car right behind us did the same thing."

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School Jokes Kids Jokes Police Officer Jokes

Two old ladies are walking through a museum and got separated.
When they ran into each other later the first old lady said to the second, "Oh my! Did you see that statue of the nакеd man back there?"
The second old lady replied, "Yes! I was absolutely shocked! How can they display such a thing! My gosh the реnis on it was so large!"
Where upon the first old lady accidentally blurted out, "...Yeah, and cold, too!"

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Dirty jokes

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