Drunk Jokes, Drinking Jokes, Alcohol Jokes, Alcoholic Jokes

This guy was so lonely that he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion he finally bought a centipede (100-leg bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar for a drink. So, he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's place with me and have a вееr?"
But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again,"How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"
But again there was no answer from his new friend and pet.So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time, this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?"
A little voice came out of the box:
"I heard you the first time! I'm putting my shoes on!"

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My wife came home with four cases of вееr, three boxes of wine, two bottles of whiskey and two loaves of bread.

"Are we expecting guests?" I asked.

"No," she replied.

"Then why did you buy so much bread?"

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Marriage and Family Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Wine jokes Beer Jokes

A drunк staggered down the main street of the town.
Somehow he managed to make it up the stairs to a cathedral and into the entrance, where he crashed from pew to pew, finally making his way to a side aisle and into a confessional.
A priest had observed all this, and figured the fellow needed some help, so he entered his side of the confessional.
After the priest sat there in deathly silence, he finally asked, "May I help you, my son?"
"I dunno," came the drunк's voice from behind the partition.
"You got any paper on your side?"

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Bar and Bartender Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Priest Jokes Priest Jokes

A policeman sees a car weaving all over the road and hits his flashing lights.
He walks up to the driver's window and sees a good looking woman behind the wheel.
There is a strong smell liquor on her breath.
He says, "I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol."
She blows up the balloon and he walks it back to his patrol unit.
After a couple of minutes, he returns to her car and says,
"It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones."
She replies, "You mean it shows that, too?"

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Police Officer Jokes Jokes about Women Car and driving jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

Caffeine Addict's Quiz:
Do you want to know if you suffer from "Alertness Deficit Disorder" (ADD)? Then just take this simple quiz. These questions will help us to determine whether or not you suffer from this terrible affliction; the only known cure for which is caffeine. ADD takes the lives of millions of Americans, hundreds of Canadians, and a handful of Ugandans every year. If that doesn't scare you, let's just say that you are more susceptible than anyone else. YES, YOU! If you suffer from this disease, missing just one trip to Starbucks could be FATAL. The following series of Yes/No questions will allow us to determine your Addiction Factor(TM). Keep track of the number of Yes and No answers you get and chart yourself at the end. Remember: Prevention is the best medicine. Or was it laughter? Either way, read on.
1. Do you use coffee to escape from your problems?
2. Do you eat spoonfuls of instant coffee because it's easier?
3. Have you ever woken up in a puddle of your own coffee?
4. Do you find that it's easier to drink more coffee than go to sleep?
5.
a) Have you ever drunк cold coffee?
b) Right out of the рот?
6. Do you spend more than 20% of your income on coffee and/or coffee related products?
7. Does your coffee cup resemble a вееr stein?
8. Has anyone ever told you that you "have a problem"?
9. Do you need coffee:
a) ...to get up in the morning?
b) ...to get out of bed?
c) ...to be injected intravenously to stimulate blood-flow?
10. Do you own a "Coffee Helmet"? (For the culturally ignorant, a coffee- helmet is a hat with coffee-cups attached to it and a straw coming out of each cup leading to the mouth, used for hands-free drinking.)
11. Do Native North American Aboriginal Indian Peoples call you "Ona mac towanda" (Smells-like- coffee)?
12. Does your doctor measure your heartbeat on the Richter scale as well as by its frequency?
13. Have you ever sold personal or other people's possessions just to get your fix for the day?
14. Does the phrase "swiss water decaffienated" strike terror into your heart?
15.
a) Do you have a coffee maker in more than one room of your house?
b) ...in more than five?
c) ...in your bathroom?
16.
a) Do the people at Second Cup refuse do give you free coffee cards anymore?
b) ...because you're wearing out their hole-punch?
c) ...and it's bad for the environment?
17. Do you grind your own coffee?
18. Do you grow your own coffee?
19. Have you ever been fired from a job because you're "drinking their profits"?
20.
a) Do you know Juan Valdez?
b) ...and his donkey?
c) ...intimately?
21. Do you salivate uncontrollably whenever you hear dripping water?
22.
a) Is sleep a hobby of yours?
b) ...that you don't like?
c) ...because it's too frustrating?

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes American Jokes Beer Jokes Cowboys and Indians Jokes Coffee Jokes

A proud new father sits down with his dad to have a drink.
"Well son, now that you have a son of your own its time I gave you something."
"Dad you don´t mea-"
"Yes I do. You've earned it." Says the father as he passes a copy of '1001 Dad Jokes 5th Edition' to the son.
"Dad I dont know what to say...I'm honored."
"Hi honored," Replies the father. "I'm dad."

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Dad Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Old People Jokes

A jump-lead walks into a bar.
The barman says ''I'll serve you, but don't start anything''

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Bar and Bartender Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

Whatsamatta University's Seminars For Men Fall Catalogue
Once again, the female staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for men of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required.
1. Combatting Stupidity
2. You Too Can Do Housework
3. Resistance to Beer
4. How To Properly Fill An Ice Tray
5. We Do Not Want Slеаzy Underwear For Christmas (Give Us Credit Cards)
6. Understanding The Female Response To Coming Home Drunк At 4:00am
7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (also called "Don't Wash My Silks")
9. Get A Life - Learn To Cook
10. How Not To Act Like An Idiот When You Are Obviously Wrong
11. Spelling - Even You Can Get It Right
12. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
13. You, The Weaker Sex
14. Reasons To Give Flowers
15. Garbage - Getting It To The Curb
16. You Cannot Always Wear Whatever You Please
17. How To Put Down A Toilet Seat
18. Give Me A Break - Why We Know Your Excuses Are Lies
19. How To Go Shopping With Your Mate Without Getting Lost
20. The Remote Control - Overcoming Your Dependency
21. Helpful Posture Hints For Couch Potatoes
22. Mother-in-Laws Are People Too
23. The Weekend And Sports Are Not Synonymous
24. How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children
25. You Too Can Be A Designated Driver
26. Male Bonding: Leave Your Friends At Home
27. Attainable Goal - Omitting Foul Expletives From Vocabulary
28. You Don't Really Need That Porsche
Whatsamatta University's Seminars For Women Fall Catalogue
Once again, the male staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for women of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required.
1. Combatting The Impulse To Nag
2. You Can Change The Oil Too
4. How To Properly Fill A Вееr Mug
5. We Do Not Want Ties For Christmas
6. Understanding The Female Causes Of Male Drunkenness
7. How To Do All Your Laundry In One Load And Have More Time To Watch Football
8. Parenting - Your Husband Gave You Children So You Could Have Someone Other Than Him To Boss Around
9. How To Encourage Your Husband To Cook More And Be Able To Stomach His Slop
10. How Not To Sob Like A Sponge When Your Husband Is Right
11. Get A Life - Learn To Кill Spiders Yourself
12. Balancing A Checkbook - Even You Can Get It Right
13. Comprehending Credit Card Spending Limits And Financial Responsibility
14. You, The Whining Sex
15. Shopping - Doing It In Less Than 16 Hours
16. If You Want To Know How That Looks On You, Ask Your Mother
17. How To Close The Garage Door
18. If You Don't Want An Excuse, Don't Demand An Explanation
19. How To Go Fishing With Your Mate And Not Catch Pneumonia
20. Living Without Power Windows - How To Turn A Crank
21. Romanticism - The Whole Point Of Caviar, Candles, And Conversation
22. How To Retain Your Composure While Your Husband Is Relaxing By Himself
23. Why You Don't Need To Invite Your Mother Over Every Weekend
24. Payday And Shopping Are Not Synonymous
25. How To Act Younger Than Your Mother
26. You Too Can Carry A Backpack
27. Female Friendship - Why Your Best Friends Are Not The Women Who Complain About You The Most
28. Learning To Appreciate The Вееr Belly And Lard Вuтт Morphologies Of Men
29. Attainable Goal - Catching A Ball Before It Stops Moving
30. How To Close The Top On The Toothpaste

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Christmas Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Beer Jokes Boss Jokes

Two drunks went into a bar and had a few beers. One got up and went into the bathroom while the other remained at the bar talking to the bartender.
All of a sudden there was a loud scream coming from the bathroom. The drunк at the bar said to the bartender that it sounded like his partner screaming, so he went into the toilet to investigate.
He went inside and asked his friend what the problem was. His friend said that every time he flushed the toilet something reached up and hit him on the bottom.
His friend shook his head and said, "You soft beggar, you're sitting on the mop bucket."

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Beer Jokes

There is man sitting in a bar who is really, really drunк.
When the bar closes he gets up to go home.
He stumbles and falls couple of times and finally manages to get out of the door.
As he gathers himself, he sees a nun passing by.
He stumbles over to her and starts punching her in the face.
The nun is shocked beyond belief, but before she could say anything, he leans over and punches her again.
This time the nun hits the pavement.
The drunк stumbles over to her, kicks her in the вuтт, picks her up and throws her against the wall.
By now the nun is very weak and can barely move.
He leans over her, grabbing her by the collar of her habit and says, "Not feeling too STRONG tonight, I thought you would be tougher Batman!"

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Celebrity and Pop Culture Jokes Men jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Superhero Jokes

I’ve often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can’t get my wife to go swimming.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

A drunк staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunк continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunк mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin'! There's no paper on this side either!"

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Religion jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Priest Jokes

A drunк on his way home from a bar one night realizes that he has dropped his keys.
He gets down on his hands and knees and starts groping around beneath a lamppost.
A policeman asks what he’s doing.
"I lost my keys in the park,” says the drunк.
"Then why are you looking for them under the lamppost?” asks the puzzled cop.
"Because,” says the drunк, "that’s where the light is.”

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Police Officer Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

Two drunks were walking home along the railway tracks.
The first drunк says, "There's a hеll of a lot of steps here."
The second drunк says, "I'll tell you what's worse, this handrail is вlооdy low down"

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Communication Jokes Sick and Death Jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes

A Chinese man came home after a late night of drinking, and crawls in bed next to his sleeping wife.
After lying awake for a few minutes, he wakes up his wife and says "Hey honey, wanna do a sixty-nine?"
"Well, you've got a lot of nerve! First you come home late, you're drunк, and now you expect me to go to the kitchin and fix you Mongolian beef with snow-peas!"

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Men jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Sex Jokes

What’s the difference between a bar and a g-spot?
Most men have no trouble finding a bar.

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Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Sex Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

A guy walks into a bar and orders a вееr.
He only brought enough money for one вееr though.
As hes drinking his вееr, which was quite expensive, he realizes how bad he has to go to the bathroom.
Not wanting anyone to drink his expensive вееr, he takes out a 3x5 note card and writes on it, "I SPIT IN THIS ВЕЕR", and walks to the bathroom.
When he comes back about 15 minutes later, theres another 3x5 note card next to his вееr saying, "I SPIT IN IT TOO".

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Money jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Beer Jokes

I drink straight out a of the wine bottle while cooking. I think that's what they mean by reducing it.

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Wine jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

Sthi Bash is sitting in a bar drinking some alcohol.
After some couple of drinks he tries to stand up and he falls.
He crawls to the door of the bar and tries to stand up and he falls again, he crawls until he reaches the door in his house and he tries to stand but then for the third time he falls again.
He then decides to knock on the door while he is on the ground.
His wife opens the door and surprised she asks him, "Where the hеll did you leave your wheelchair?"

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

A elderly lady, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Ноотеrs restaurant. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, “May I please use the restroom?”

The bartender replied, “OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a nакеd man in there wearing only a fig leaf.”

“Well, that's okay, I’ll just look the other way,” she said.

The bartender then showed the elderly lady to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give her a loud round of applause.

She went to the bartender and said, “Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?”

“You see,” laughed the bartender, “every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.”

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Religion jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Waiter Jokes Old People Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Music and Musician Jokes Restaurant Jokes