Drinking and Drunk Jokes

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There were three strings that walked into the bar.
They sat down and they didn't get waited on so the first string walked up to the bar and asked for three beers.
The bartender said, "I'm sorry buddy we don't serve strings in here."
The string walks back to the table and tells his friends what the bartender said.
"I've been here before and gotten a drink, I'll go get us something to drink," said the second string.
The second sting walks up to the bar and politely asks the bartender for three beers.
The bartender says, "I thought I told your buddy we don't serve strings in here."
So the second string walks back and and tells his friends what has happened.
The third string says "Oh, I come in here all the time, I know how to order something to drink."
The third sting walks to the restroom where he ties himself up and muffs up his end.
He then walks out to the bar and asks the bartender for three beers.
The bartender kind of looks at him weird and says, "You a string?"
"Frayed knot," he replies.
Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Friendship Jokes Beer Jokes
Are you a wealthy and successful suit-and-tie yuppie businessman who has always had a secret dream that you would one day become a redneck? Have you always wanted to be a Bubba, but didn't know how? Is there an inner Cletus inside that dapper and dignified image, just hollerin' to get out? Well, now, Mister Corporate High-flyer, YOU can become the redneck you have always wanted to be! Purchase the following: one pair of overalls, one pack of chewing tobacco and six cases of вееr. That is all you will need to start! Now follow the 35 SIMPLE and EASY guidelines in our manual! Caution: These instructions MUST be followed in your BUSINESS OFFICE during WORKING HOURS. 1) We assume you are a dignified, well-groomed yuppie executive; therefore, as you read this, it is also assumed you are wearing a pair of well-polished $800 Brooks Brothers black captoe leather shoes and silk business socks, a $2,000 pinstriped Armani business suit tailored for you, a $150 silk necktie with matching pocket square and suspenders, a starched white shirt, monogrammed cufflinks, silver tiepin and a Rolex. If you are not dressed like this, stop NOW and continue when you are. FIRST, untie and remove high-and-mighty mirror-shined executive shoes. Peel off fancy socks. DO THIS NOW! This is NOT optional! Be warned: these shoes and socks have been vital to your identity until now, so do not deceive yourself; this will be a challenge to a true yuppie executive. They MUST be removed to move forward into the wonderful new world that awaits you. (Note: This will also work with Johnston & Murphy wingtips or those Italian loafers with those little tassels on them.) 2) Stuff silk socks in shiny shoes and drop in garbage can. 3) *URGENT* Do not, under any circumstances, put shoes back on. You MUST remain barefoot. If you fail, return to step one. This will take discipline! This is where most would-be bubbas fail! You will be tempted to put them back on - resist this! If you have trouble, don't hesitate to call our 800 emergency number. A bona fide trained Bubba coach will help you. 4) The following is guaranteed to help bring you off your high horse in a hurry, and into the redneck world! Trust us! Prop bare feet on polished office desk, with soles facing open office door. Do NOT remove feet from desk, even when co-workers, clients and/or boss enter office. 5) Remove cufflinks and scratch soles of feet with them when others enter office and during office conference. Put cufflinks back on. 6) Use necktie to wipe nose. 7) Use tiepin and/or collar stud to clean toenails. Put tiepin or collar stud back in tie or shirt. Eat lunch with knife only. Wipe dirтy knife on otherwise spotless business suit. 9) Reach under suit trouser leg and scratch. Scratch under arms. 10) Open can of вееr. Drink rapidly and belch loudly. Practice! Dribble on business suit. Discarded business socks may be used to wipe mouth. Repeat. Pile cans on expensive office carpet. 11) Shout with laughter for no reason. Note: Do NOT be concerned if you experience concern about your dignity. Your dignity will soon disappear! Do not worry! 12) Place tobacco in mouth; place in back of cheek. Practice spitting streams of tobacco juice on to computer screen, or on polished office floor, or on important presentation, or in the cuffs of the trousers of your pinstriped suit. Brooks Brothers shoes may also serve as spittoon. Note: This is the ONLY time when you may retrieve shoes from garbage! See Step #3. 13) Untie and remove natty silk necktie, unfasten and remove gold monogrammed cufflinks, pluck pocket square from suit, unfasten tiepin, unbutton and pull out suspenders and slide Rolex off wrist. Drop ALL items in garbage can. 14) Sтriр off classy, expensive tailored Armani business suit, starched shirt and designer underwear. Toss in garbage can. Note: Removal of business suit can be traumatic for an uppity upper class businessman. It is comparable to an operation. Be prepared for shock to system. 15) Add briefcase, cell phone and day-timer. 16) Cut up credit cards and throw away wallet. 17) Cut up Ivy League degree. 18) Put on overalls. Walk around in hem to get used to your new look. 19) Practice poor posture and sluggish walk. 20) Cancel subscriptions to Wall Street Journal and New York Times. Have cable disconnected. 21) If you have not already been fired, quit high-paying prestigious white-collar job and stop working altogether. Alternative: become a garbage man or janitor or sling hash in a diner. 22) Make appointment with dentist. Have front teeth removed. 23) Make appointment with surgeon. Have all hair on top of head removed through electrolysis. Let hair grow on sides and back. 24) Shave ONLY twice a week. Be careful to leave stubble at all times. 25) Bathe ONLY twice a week. 26) Begin intensive redneck language course. Do not use more than five words in a sentence. Drop all "NG" endings from words - "havin" instead of "having". Learn to yelp and whoop and holler. 27) Sell Porsche. 28) Buy used pickup. 29) Sell condo. 30) Buy dilapidated shack in backwoods and shotgun rack. 31) Give or throw away all remaining clothes: business suits, ties, shoes, socks, shirts, and accessories, including Burberry tuxedo, overcoat and patent leather pumps worn to corporate black tie events. NOTHING can be retained. 32) Sell stocks and bonds and give all proceeds from these and sale of car and home to a redneck charity. You will NOT need money. 33) Watch NASCAR and pro-wrestling every day. Do NOT miss any episodes. 34) Find wrecked car and leave in front of shack. 35) Have name changed legally from "Mark" or "Andrew" or "Kevin" to "Cletus" or "Bubba" or "Jed". Congratulations! You, Sir, are now the Redneck you have dreamed of becoming! Satisfaction Guaranteed! And no one will ever call you "sir" again!
Drinking and Drunk Jokes Dentist Jokes Beer Jokes Boss Jokes
Q: How do you break a Bill Clinton supporter's finger? A: Punch him in the nose.
Q: What does Jeffrey Dahmer's victims and The Clintons' hair styles have in common? A: They both look like the work of a butcher.
Q: If The Clinton's were younger, do you think they would have known the Clampents? A: Possibly, Bill might have made Jethro's acquaintance in the 6th grade.
Q: Why doesn't Hillary cut Bill's hair? A: He won't pay her $300.
Q: What are the two worst things about Bill Clinton? A: His face.
Q: What is the Arkansas state flower? A: Gennifer.
Q: Know how to solve the Serbian/Bosnian problem in less than 48 hours? A: Put Janet Reno in charge.
Q: What's the difference between a Bill Clinton and a carp? A: One's a sсuм suскing bottom feeder and the other's a fish.
Q: What's the difference between Hillary Clinton and a pit bull? A: The pit bull doesn't carry a briefcase.
Q: How does Bill Clinton say "I'm about to hurt you"? A:"Trust me."
Q: What is the difference between Dan Quayle, Bill Clinton and Jane Fonda? A: Jane Fonda went to Vietnam.
Q: How can you tell Bill Clinton apart from a соw? A: By the wise look in the eyes.
Q: How can you tell Bill Clinton from a bunch of dead bodies? A: He's the stiff one.
Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Two--One to promise he'll do it better than anyone else and one to obscure the issues.
Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None--He'll only promise "change."
Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb? A: He doesn't! He whines a while, says "I feel your pain", and gets congress to pass a billion dollar light security bill, and blames Republicans and special interests for not making lightbulbs free.
Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year? A: Because they're sending their turkey to the White House!
Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year? A: Because they can't afford any more pork.
Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year? A: Reagan ate all the jellybeans.
Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year? A: They've been having turkey for years.
Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year? A: Because Clinton "invested" all the turkey.
Q: What were Bill and Chelsea Clinton doing in the voting booth? A: Bill was giving his daughter a lesson in Civics, how to ruin the people!
Q: What does Teddy Kennedy have that Bill Clinton wishes he did? A: A dead girlfriend.
Q: What's the difference between Personal Injury lawyers and Congress? A: No fee--If No Recovery!
Q: How did Bill and Hillary Clinton meet? A: They were dating the same girl in high school.
Q: How can you tell when Bill Clinton is lying? A: Only a Bill Clinton supporter is too dumb to know the answer to this one.
Q: How can you tell when Bill Clinton is telling a lie by looking at his face? A: If his lips are moving, then he's lying.
Q: What do Bill Clinton and a fifteen-watt light bulb have in common? A: Neither one is very bright.
Q: What does Clinton do to lose weight? A: Runs away from the draft.
Q: How can you tell when Clinton is ready for battle [in Bosnia]? A: He's got his jogging suit on.
Q: What's Clinton's favorite baseball team? A: The Dodgers.
Q: What's Bill's fondest wish now? A: That someone would wave a hand at him using more than one finger.
Q: What's a Clinton sandwich? A: Pure bologna piled high and deep.
Q: Why do they always fly around a live turkey in a cage on Air Force 1? A: For spare parts.
Q: Did you hear that the Clinton's had Air Force 1 remodeled? A: Now it's got two left wings.
Q: Why is Bill Clinton called "middle of the road Democrat"? A: Because he's got a wide yellow stripe down the middle of his two-lane back.
Q: Why is Bill Clinton's economic plan called positively atheist? A: Because it hasn't got a prayer.
Q: If Bill and Hillary jumped together off the Washington monument, who'd land first? A: Who cares!
Q: How did Bill Clinton get a crick in his neck? A: Trying to save both faces.
Q: If Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, Al Gore, and Tipper took a boat ride and the boat capsized, who would be saved? A: The United States of America!
Q: Why is Bill Clinton diverting federal funds from improving schools to improving jails? A: Because when his term is through, he won't be going to school.
Q: Why does Chelsea look so sтuрid and ugly? A: Heredity.
Q: Why did Bill and Hillary send Chelsea to a private school? A: If they sent her to a public school, the secret service would be out-gunned!
Q: What do Clinton and JFK have in common? A: They haven't had any brains for the last thirty years.
Q: What happened when Bill Clinton got a shot of testosterone? A: He turned into Hillary!
Q: Did you hear Chrysler is introducing a new car to commemorate President Clinton's election? A: It's gonna be called the Dodge Drafter!
Q: Why does the secret service guard Hillary so closely? A: Because if something happens to her, Bill becomes President!
Q: How many Clinton administration officials does it take to sсrеw in a light bulb? A: Two--one to sсrеw the bulb into the water faucet while the other tells us that everything possible is being done to help the situation.
Q: How many republicans does it take to raise your taxes? A: None. The democrats do that.
Q: How many republicans does it take to disarm the law abiding public so that the government can enforce totalitarianistic and unconstitutional laws? A: None. The Sociali--Democrats do that.
Q: How many Clinton White House officials does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None. They like to keep him in the dark!
Q: Why do liberals travel in threes? A: One to read, one to write and the other one to keep an eye on both intellectuals.
Q: What kind of neckwear does Hillary Clinton look best in? A: A noose.
Q: What kind of jewelry does Hillary look best in? A: Handcuffs.
Q: What Biblical and Renaissance characters does Hillary most resemble? A: Jezebel and Lucretia Borgia.
Q: What's the best place to photograph Clinton Administration officials? A: A police lineup.
Q: What's a conservative? A: A liberal who made it through adolescence.
Q: What is a conservative? A: A liberal who's been mugged.
Q: What do you get when you cross a crooked lawyer with a crooked politician? A: Chelsea.
Q: You know what the problem with political jokes is, don't you? A: They get elected.
Q: What famous Arkansas State Supreme Court decision is Hilary Clinton famous for? A: If you divorce your wife in Arkansas, is she still your cousin?
Q: Why is Chelsea Clinton a miracle child? A: Because lawyers use their personalities for birth control.
Q: Why did Bill Clinton cross the road? A: To tax the chicken.
Q: Why can't Bill Clinton file a defamation of character suit against his critics? A: Because Bill Clinton has no character to defame.
Q: If called to testify in a trial how long will it before before Clinton commits perjury? A: When he's sworn in.
Q: How many helicopters does it take for White House aides to go play a round of golf? A: Depends on how many were photographed.
Q: Why did Bill Clinton cross the road? A: To meet the chick.
Q: How are Boris Becker and President Clinton alike? A: Both aren't as successful when they're not on grass.
Q: Did you hear they put two new faces on Mt. Rushmore? A: Yeah, they were Bill Clinton.
Q: Did you know that Clinton's cat can play Chess? A: Inside Information: The cat isn't really all that good at Chess. The last time they played best of five, Clinton won three games to two.
Q: Who would become President of the U.S.A if the President died? A: Bill Clinton of course!
Q: How does Bill Clinton change a light bulb?A: He doesn't. He whines a while, says "I feel your pain", and gets congress to pass a billion dollar light security bill, and blames republicans and special interests for not making lightbulbs free.Q: What do the Republicans have that Bill Clinton wishes he had? A: A mandate to govern.
Q: How can you tell that the guy who attacked the White house with a plane was insane?A: He seems to have thought Clinton would be in his own bedroom at night.
Q: What did Hillary tell Bill when the Paula Jones story broke? A: "You idiот! I told you to let Teddy Kennedy drive her home!
Q: What did Boris Yelstin say when asked if meeting Clinton made want to convert Russia to the type of government they have in America? A: "Never! I'm not going to let my wife run the country!!"
Q: Why doesn't Bill like old houses? A: He's afraid of the draft.
Q: What's the differents between Bill Clinton and an elephant? A: About 20 pounds and a jogging suit.
Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and David Koresh? A: Koresh only burned 85 people.
Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and David Koresh? A: Some people still believe in David Koresh.
Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Joseph Stalin? A: Some of Stalin's subjects admired him.
Q: How many Hillary Clintons does it take to change a light bulb? A: One--she just holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
Q: What's the difference between Janet Reno and a school bus driver? A: The bus driver stops to let the kids out.
Q: How does Bill keep Gennifer Flowers away from the White House? A: He keeps offering to send Ted Kennedy over to give her a ride.
Q: When will there be a woman in the White House? A: When Hillary leaves town.
Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a container of yogurt? A: Yogurt has culture.
Q: What is the best thing that ever came out of Arkansas? A: Highway 55.
Q: Why does Clinton always have a sтuрid grin on his face? A: He is sтuрid!
Q: Why is Clinton prone to losing his voice? A: He keeps having to eat his words.
Q: How do you know when a liberal is really dead? A: His heart stops bleeding.
Q: How does Al Gore spell potato? A: T-A-T-E-R.
Q: Why is Chelsea growing up a confused child? A: Because dad can't keep his pants on and mom wants to wear them.
Q: Why were there two presidential limousines in the inaugural parade? A: The first one held the real president while the second one contained the president's spouse, Bill Clinton.
Q: How has Clinton made his cabinet look more like America? A: Many of them have sixth grade reading levels.
Q: What is the difference between Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter? A: Jimmy Carter waited until after the inauguration to break his promises.
Q: How do you spot Al Gore in a room full of secret service agents? A: He's the stiff one.
Q: What were the three toughest years in Al Gore's life? A: Grade six.
Q: If Rodham gets health care, Bentsen gets treasury, and Aspin gets defense, what does Gore get? A: Coffee.
Q: What will Bill's favorite retail outlet be after his economic blueprint takes effect? A: Everything's $100.
Q: What was the real purpose of Bill's college visit to Moscow? A: To study economics.
Q: What is Clinton's plan to create thousands of small businesses? A: Take thousands of big businesses and wait four years.
Q: Why is Bill infuriated with Chelsea's new private school? A: They broke family tradition by making her wear a uniform.
Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter? A: It took Bill less than 100 days to botch a military mission.
Q: Why did Bill go out to sea on an aircraft carrier? A: To promote off-shore drilling.
Q: Why did Clinton choose Canada as the site for his summit with Yeltsin? A: So he could look up some college buddies who moved up there during the war.
Q: What does Clinton have in common with his Hollywood pals? A: They all make a living by lying to people.
Q: Why did the Davidians commit suicide? A: They were trying to keep up with the Joneses.
Q: Why are there more jokes about Waco than Jonestown? A: The punch lines were too long in Jonestown.
Q: What do a Wendy's Hamburger and the Waco compound have in common? A: They were both cooked by a guy named "Dave".
Q: What is the only thing worse than an incompetent liberal President? A: A competent liberal President.
Q: What is the first thing that President Clinton says after waking up? A: "Good morning, Bill."
Q: What has Clinton done that no one has been able to do in the last 5 years? A: Unite the Republican Party.
Q: Why did Clinton waffle on military action in Bosnia? A: His area of expertise is dodging armed conflict.
Q: How many Democrats does it take to destroy a light bulb? A: None. They only know how to destroy the taxpayers.
Q: When did Clinton's friends become sure that he had political ambitions? A: When he married outside of his family.
Q: What does Bill Clinton have in common with former great Presidents? A: Absolutely nothing.
Q: What is the difference between Bill Clinton and Elvis? A: Elvis was drafted and served proudly in the Army.
Q: Why did the IRS recently audit Bill Clinton? A: Because he filed as head of the household.
Q: How is Clinton's health care reform a lot like his haircut? A: It is a lot more expensive than it looks.
Q: What is the difference between a liberal and a puppy? A: A puppy stops whining after it grows up.
Q: Why were the Clintonites pushing the BTU Tax? A: Because they could spell it.
Q: What is the basement where White House staffers work called? A: The whine cellar.
Q: Why aren't Clinton White House staffers given coffee breaks? A: It takes too long to retrain them.
Q: How can you identify a computer that has been in use at the Clinton White House? A: There is White-out on the screen.
Q: How can you tell if it was a shared computer used by many staffers? A: There is writing on the White-out.
Q: What is the difference between an intelligent liberal and Bigfoot? A: Bigfoot has been spotted.
Q: How is Bill Clinton like a passive-restraint device? A: He is a bag of air that is not on the driver's side.
Q: How is Bill like a character actor? A: When he shows character, he's acting.
Q: What is Hillary's favorite holiday? A: Summer Solstice.
Q: What do you get when you give Bill Clinton a penny for his thoughts? A: Change.
Q: What do you get when you cross Bill Clinton with a gorilla? A: Who knows? There is only so much a gorilla can be forced to do.
Q: What is Clinton's favorite war song? A: "Over Here"
Q: What costume did Bill Clinton wear to a Halloween party that scared everyone to death? A: He came dressed as a two-term president.
Q: Why is Perot's wife glad he didn't get elected? A: If he won, they would have to move to a smaller house in a bad neighborhood.
Q: What is the difference between liberalism and socialism? A: Socialism is dead.
Q: What is the difference between Clinton's health care plan and a kidney stone? A: A kidney stone is easier to pass.
Q: What is the difference between Нiтlеr and Bill Clinton? A: Нiтlеr intended to deliver on his speeches.
Q: What is the difference between the U.S. and the former USSR? A: The U.S. still has a Communist Party in power.
Q: What does Clinton need to stop the white water? A: A water gate.
Q: Why are they renaming Arkansas Highway 50 the "Bill Clinton Highway?" A: The road is crooked, slick, and has a yellow stripe down the middle.
Q: What do Hillary Clinton and the Dallas Cowboys have in common? A: They both dominate Bills.
Q: What is the difference between TV characters Dan and Roseanne Conner and the Clintons? A: The Conners own their own home.
Q: What is the difference between Whitewater and Watergate? A: No one died in Watergate.
Q: What is Hillary's new nickname after her latest hairstyle? A: Oldielocks.
Q: What are the administration's favorite words in foreign policy? A: We have not ruled out military force.
Q: What would one get with a donation to Rostenkowski's legal fund? A: A free stamp.
Q: Why are staff cuts so difficult for Clinton? A: He can't give a woman a pink slip without asking her to try it on first.
Q: Which of the following does not belong: AIDS, gonorrhea, hеrреs, or Bill Clinton? A: Gonorrhea--it can be cured.
Q: Why was Roger Clinton's wedding delayed 5 days? A: The bride's father had to wait 5 days to buy the shotgun.
Q: How are Congressmen and baseball players alike? A: They are millionaires who work 3 hours a day and left in August not finishing what they had started.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the Atlantic? A: To attend D-Day celebrations.
Q: What do you get when you cross Bill Clinton and James Dean? A: A man without a clue.
Q: How did we know long before the Haiti invasion that Clinton was planning to go to war? A: He visited Oxford.
Q: How is Bill Clinton like an unemployed school teacher? A: No class and no principals.
Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a pickpocket? A: A pickpocket snatches watches.
Q: What does Hillary have in common with the city of Buffalo? A: They both have Bills that are losers.
Q: Why does the Clinton administration want to reinvent government? A: They are having a lot of trouble dealing with the existing form...democracy.
Q: Who should Clinton have used to overthrow Haiti's military? A: John Elway.
Q: Why is Clinton so interested in events in the Middle East? A: He thinks the Gaza Sтriр is a торlеss bar.
Q: Why does Hillary think her husband is a model president? A: Because a model is a small imitation of the real thing.
Q: What does Hillary Clinton have in common with Gerald Ford? A: They both became president without being elected.
Q: What's the difference between the Waco ATF and Bill Clinton? A: BIll Clinton burned 260,000,000 people.
Q: What do call someone who sees the glass in front of him half full? A: An optimist.
Q: Well, then what do you call someone who sees the glass in front of him as half empty? A: Teddy Kennedy.
Q: What did Teddy Kennedy say when he heard of JFK's assassination? A: He couldn't have been shot in the temple! We're not Jewish!
Q: Why did Ted Kennedy spend four hours in the voting booth? A: He thought he was in a confessional.
Q: Why did the Clintons switch from MCI to AT&T? A: They didn't have enough friends left to make a calling circle.
Q: What's the difference between President Hoover and Clinton? A: One promised a chicken in every рот and the other was an unpromising chicken who smoked рот.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? A: To get away from Bill Clinton.
Q: What's the difference between Clinton and Christopher Reeve? A: Clinton is dead from the neck up.
Q: Where are the two biggest airbags located? A: The White House.
Q: Who was the first liberal Democrat? A: Christopher Columbus. He left not knowing where he was going, got there not knowing where he was, left not knowing where he'd been, and did it all on borrowed money.
Q: Did you hear that someone threw a bottle of вееr at Clinton? A: Yes, but it's ok. It was a Draft and he was able to dodge it.
Q: What's Bill Clinton's least expensive hobby? A: To sit in the Oval Office and collect dust.
Q: Did you hear that Tyson Foods has genetically engineered a new breed of chicken and named it in honor of Bill Clinton? A: It's a brainless, spineless, tar-and-feathers yellow chicken.
Q: Why is Bill Clinton the living proof of reincarnation? A: Because no one could get this sтuрid in one lifetime.
Q: Do you know why Clinton gave the Federal employees the day off on Wednesday? A: It was Secretaries' Day and he was too cheap to buy his a present!
Q: What's a word for Clintons '92 campaign A: A snow job.
Q: What will you get if Clinton's health bill passes? A: No Job.
Q: How many Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb? A: It's irrelevant; they still don't know they're in the dark!
Q: What's the best job a dumb blonde ever had? A: Vice-president of the United States.
Q: Have you heard about the new Bill Clinton doll? A: You pull a little ring and it never tells the same story twice!
Q: What do Hillary Clinton and Marie Antoinette have in common? A: Nothing . . . yet.
Q: Why does Hillary Clinton often wear turtle necks when attending Bill's speaking engagements? A: So you can't see her adam's apple move as he speaks.
Q: What's Clinton doing to make Americans happy? A: If you've paid your tax bill and have enough money left to feed your family--you're happy.
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Полицай към арестант: Съдията: - Всичко, което кажете ще се използва срещу вас! Подсъдимият: - Цици. A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, "Anything you say can and will be held against you." The man replies, "Boobs!" Bryster En mand bliver arresteret af en kvindelig betjent. Hun informere ham om: “ – Alt hvad du siger og gør kan og vil blive brugt mod dig”. Manden siger så: “Bryster!” Sulaikytas jaunuolis. Policininkas sako: - Viskas, ką pasakysite, bus panaudota prieš jus teisme. Jaunuolis: - Nuoga merga...
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Fаrт Glossary:
ART FART= it's such a beauty you want to immortalize it on canvas.
ARROGANT FART= When you think your farts don't stink.
ASSUALT FART= A sudden attack that shoots virtual flames out your аrsе.
TIRE FART= You can't control the вlоw out.
BEER FARTS= These come out of every 'can' and smell like warm вееr.
JAIL FART= Been doing time inside you for quite awhile, and finally makes its great escape.
DONKEY FART= Your аss is the only one that can do it.
GHOST FART= You can't hear it, you can't see it, and you can't smell it.
HOME ALONE FART= When you're home alone and a great one is wasted on no one.
SHOE FART= When you bend over to tie your shoe laces and one escapes.
TANK FART= When you refer to your farts as 'gas'.
OLD FART= You know how old it is by how bad it smells.
BRAIN FART= You need to fаrт, but nothing comes out.
ALZHEIMER FART= A confused fаrт that heads the wrong way, and becomes a burp.
NOT-ME FART= When you drop a bomb in a crowded elevator, turn around to the person behind you and give a disgusted look and whisper "PIG!"
U.F.O. FART= When someone farts in crowded room, label it as a "Unidentified Foul Odor".
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A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "hey, will you give me a free вееr if I show you something amazing you've never seen before?"
The bartender says, "sure, but it'd better be good."
The man reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster.
He sets the hamster down on the bar, and the hamster runs along the bar, jumps off the end, turns a somersault in midair and lands on the piano.
He the proceeds to play the piano beautifully.
The bartender says, "Wow! That was incredible! Have a вееr."
The man finishes his вееr and says to the bartender, "hey, if I show you something else amazing that you've never seen before, will you give me another free вееr?"
"If it's as amazing as the hamster, sure," the bartender replies.
So the man reaches back into his coat pocket, and pulls out a frog.
He sets the frog down on the bar, and the frog begins to sing beautifully.
The bartender is again amazed, and gets the man another вееr.
As the man is drinking his вееr, another man rushes over and says "Holy shiт, a singing frog! I'll give you $200 for that frog."
The first man says "Deal!" and sells him the frog.
The bartender walks over and says, "not that it's my business, but that was a singing frog, for heaven's sake. Why would you sell it for only $200? You could have made millions off of it."
The man says, "nah, don't worry. The hamster's also a ventriloquist."
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In a saloon in the old West, a large crowd of cowboys was drinking and carousing with the dance hall girls. In walked a greenhorn Easterner, a dry goods supplier from New York. He sat down at the bar and ordered a вееr. Just then a boy ran in from outside through the swinging doors, completely out of breath. The crowd stopped what they were doing and stared at him.

“Big John’s in town,” the boy said, gasping.

In less than a minute, the entire crowd, except for the greenhorn, tumbling over one another, rushed out, including the bartender and everyone else who worked at the saloon, leaving the place completely empty and in disarray. The greenhorn realized that he should probably go, too. So he quickly downed the remainder of his вееr, grabbed ahold of his sample case and started for the door.

Unfortunately, before he could reach it, another cowboy walked in, blocking his way. The man was huge, almost seven feet tall and muscular, with a face that was menacing, rugged and scarred. Hanging from his belt were two large six-shooters that had obviously seen plenty of action. The Easterner, frozen in fear, stood glued to the spot, unable to speak.

The huge man, towering over him, then glared at the greenhorn and said in a, deep, gravelly voice, “You drink with me.”

The greenhorn saw this as an order, not an invitation. So he walked over with the man, his heart pounding, fearing for his life, then sat down at the bar next to the cowboy, who then proceeded to pour each of them a whiskey. The massive cowpoke quickly downed his drink, wiped his face with his sleeve then stood up and started walking towards the door.

“Can’t stay,” he said, “ Big John’s in town.”
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A prisoner at the Edmonton Max started training a large fly to do tricks.
For years, for thousands of hours, he worked with the insect.
It learned to walk across a miniature high wire, ride a tiny one-wheel bike, balance on a pair of stilts and sing songs from Phantom of the opera.
"When you and I get out of here," the jailbird said to the fly "we’re going to tour the nightspots and make a fortune."
Finally the day arrived.
Fly safely tucked away in his pocket, (inside its matchbox home), the ex-соn made his way to a bar to celebrate.
At the bar, he brought out his trick fly.
On cue, it started moonwalking.
"What about this fly, eh?" he said to the bartender.
In one swift motion, the bartender reached for his copy of the newspaper The edmonton sun, rolled it up and squished the fly with a mighty swipe.
"Glad you saw it," muttered the bartender. "Blasted things are everywhere."
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George meets a genie in the street, which tells him to make a wish and it will make it true.
"I want to рее whiskey," he says.
“But are you sure? You can ask for money, wealth, anything you want."
"No I want to рее whiskey."
The genie thinks what can it do, it makes his wish true.
George goes home, calls his wife, Sue:
"Woman, get nuts and two glasses."
Curious she was, she brings them.
"What do you want them? She asks him. Once we don’t have any drinks."
From now on, we will both have as much whiskey as we want, says to her.
And really he fills the two glasses with whiskey.
They clink, drink one, drink two drinks, make some fun … and play a little game.
The other night the same happen.
"Woman, bring two glasses and nuts."
So they spend their evenings.
One night, however, the scene changed.
"Woman, bring nuts and a cup."
"A, for one?"
"You will drink from the bottle today."
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