Dad Jokes - Page 3

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father:
"Dad, how many kinds of воовs are there?"
The father, surprised, answers:
"Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, her вrеаsтs are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions."
"Onions?" the son asks.
"Yes. You see them and they make you cry."
This infuriates his wife and daughter. The daughter asks:
"Mom, how many different kinds of penises are there?"
The mother smiles and says,
"Well, dear, a man also goes through three phases. In his 20s, his реnis is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it's like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it's like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?" the daughter asks.
"Yes: Dead from the root up, and the ваlls are just for decoration.”

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A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me capitalism.
Your Mom, she’s the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the Government.
We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you the people.
The nanny, we’ll consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we’ll call him the Future.
Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
So the little boy goes to his parents’ room and finds his mother sound asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room.
Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is sсrеwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shiт."

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News and Politics Jokes Office and Work Jokes Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Kids Jokes Political Jokes Dad Jokes

What is blue and lies under a mushroom?
Smurf роор.

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Dad Jokes

What does a house wear?
Address (a dress).

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Dad Jokes

Problems sleeping? Cut the legs of your bed. You'll sleep deeper.

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Dad Jokes

What is cold and stands under a street lamp?
A frostitute.

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Dad Jokes

An elderly man was on the operating table, about to be operated on by his son, a famous surgeon. Just before they put him under, he asked to speak to his son:
"Don’t be nervous, boy, just do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me… your mother is going to come and live with you and your family."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes Jewish Jokes Old People Jokes Dad Jokes

Reporter interviews a man: “Sir, you’ve lived next to this highway for 20 years, do you feel that it has somehow influenced you?”
The man: “NOOooooo, NOOoooo, NOOooo…”

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Office and Work Jokes Dad Jokes

What is the worst combination of illnesses?
Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running, but can’t remember where.

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Dad Jokes

Did you know on the Canary Islands there is not one canary?
And on the Virgin Islands?
Same thing - not one canary there either.

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Dad Jokes

Dad: Why ya' crying?
Girl: My boyfriend dumped me!
Dad (Grabs shotgun): I'll be back...
*A while later, dad comes back*
Girl: What the hеll! Why did you кill him!
Dad: I didn't!
Girl: Where did you go, then?
Dad: To get you ice cream of course.
Girl: Why the hеll did you bring the shot gun!?
Dad: So I could get it for free!

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Jokes about Women Food Jokes Redneck jokes Dad Jokes

A frog goes into a bank, and hops up on the desk of the loan officer.
''Hi,'' he croaks.''What's your name?''
The loan officer says, ''My name is John Paddywack. May I help you?''
''Yeah,'' says the frog. ''I'd like to borrow some money.''
The loan officer finds this a little odd, but gets out a form. ''Okay,what's your name?''
The frog replies, ''Kermit Jagger.''
''Really?'' says the loan officer. ''Any relation to Мiск Jagger?''
''Yeah, he's my dad.''
''Hmmm,'' says the loan officer. ''Do you have any collateral?''
The frog hands over a pink ceramic elephant and asks, ''Will this do?''
The loan officer says, ''Um, I'm not sure. Let me go check with the bank manager.''
''Oh, tell him I said hi,'' adds the frog. ''He knows me.''
The loan officer goes back to the manager and says, ''Excuse me, sir, but there's a frog out there named Kermit Jagger who wants to borrow some money. All he has for collateral is this pink elephant thing; I'm not even sure what it is.''
The manager says: ''It's a knick-knack, Paddywack, give the frog a loan; his old man's a Rolling Stone.''

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Animal Jokes Office and Work Jokes Celebrity and Pop Culture Jokes Money jokes Men jokes Music and Musician Jokes Dad Jokes Banker Jokes Boss Jokes

Two West Virginia hicks get married and spend their honeymoon in a local motel. Right before they consummate the marriage, the women says, "Be gentle, I'm a virgin."
The man is visibly upset and storms off to his family's home. He tells them what happened and his dad says, "If she isn't good enough for her own family, she sure as hеll isn't good enough for you!"

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Blue Collar Jokes Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Dad Jokes

Dear Son, I'm writing this slow 'cause I know youcan't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read inthe paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't beable to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numberswith them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address. This place has a washing machine.The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since. It only rained twice this week, threedays the first time and four days the second time. The coat you wanted me to send to you,Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons,so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got a bill from the funeral home, andit said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funderal bill, up she comes. About your sister, she had a baby thismorning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don't know if youare an Aunt or Uncle. Your Uncle John fell in the whiskeyvat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so hedrowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off thebridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. Thedriver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safery. The other 2drowned. They couldn't get the tail gate down. Not much more news this time.Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I willsend another one. Love, Ma

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Blue Collar Jokes News and Politics Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Friendship Jokes Dad Jokes

Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie whose dog, Skipper, had recently died."You know,"
Mom said, "it's not so bad. Skipper's probably up in Heaven right now, having a grand old time with God."Susie stopped crying and asked, "What would God want with a dead dog?"

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Kids Jokes God Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Animal Jokes Dad Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

Little Johnny was in class and the teacher announced that they were going to try something different to help everyone get to know each other a little better, and to help with their spelling.
She explained, "I want you to stand up and give us the occupation of your father, spell it, and say one thing he would give us all if he was here today."
The first student raised her hand to volunteer.
"Marcy," the teacher said. "You may go first."
Marcy replied, "My father is a banker. B-A-N-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a shiny new penny."
The teacher said, "Very nice, Marcy, who wants to go next?"
Kevin stood up and announced, "My father is a baker. B-A-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a freshly-baked cookie."
"Very good," the teacher told Kevin.
Jeff was next, and he said, "My father is an accountant. A-K, no wait, A-C-K, no..."
Before he could attempt to spell it once more, the teacher cut him off and told him to sit back down and to think about it for a while. When he thought he knew how to spell it, he could stand back up and try again.
Little Johnny raised his hand in excitement hoping to be acknowledged by the teacher. The teacher called on little Johnny to go next.
Johnny said, "My father is a воокiе. B-O-O-K-I-E and if he was here today, he would give us all 20:1 odds Jeff will never be able to spell "accountant."

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Little Johnny Jokes School Jokes Money jokes Food Jokes Dad Jokes Banker Jokes

A salesman rings the door веll and Little Johnny answers.
Salesman, "Can I see your dad?"
Johnny, "No, he's in the shower."
Salesman, "What about your mother? Can I see her?"
Johnny, "Nope. She's in the shower, too."
Salesman, "Do you think they'll be out soon?"
Johnny, "Doubt it. When my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave him super glue instead."

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Men vs Women Jokes Dirty jokes Little Johnny Jokes Dad Jokes

Little Johnny walks into his dad's bedroom and sees him sliding on a соndом. His father tries to hide it by bending over, as if to look under the bed.
Little Johnny asks curiously, "What are you doing, Dad?"
His father quickly replies, "I thought I saw a mouse go underneath the bed."
Little Johnny replies, "What are you gonna do - sсrеw him?"

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Men vs Women Jokes Little Johnny Jokes Dirty jokes Dad Jokes

Little Johnny's father asks him if he knows about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know!" Little Johnny says, bursting into tears.
Confused, his father asks what's wrong.
"Oh, Dad," Little Johnny sobs, "first, there was no Santa Claus, then no Easter Bunny, and finally, no Tooth Fairy. If you're about to tell me that grownups don't really have sеx, I've got nothing left to believe in."

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Men vs Women Jokes Little Johnny Jokes Animal Jokes Dirty jokes Sex Jokes Christmas Jokes Dad Jokes Easter Jokes

A guy walks into a bar and orders a whiskey.
Just before he takes a sip of his whiskey, a guy runs in and says, "Bill, your house burnt down!" So he runs outside, but then he thinks, "I don't have a house," so he goes back into the bar and takes a sip of his whiskey. Another guy runs in and says, "Bill! Your dad died!"He runs out of the bar, gets on his horse and rides a little ways, but then thinks, "I don't have a dad," so he goes back into the bar and drinks almost all of his whiskey. Then another guy runs in and says, "Bill! You won the lottery!" So he runs out, gets on his horse and rides all the way to the bank, but then he thinks, "My name's not Bill."

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Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Dad Jokes Banker Jokes