Dad Jokes - Page 2

It's 1957, and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.
Peggy Sue's father answers the door and invites him in.He asks Bobby what they're planning to do on the date. Bobbytells him that they'll probably go to the malt shop or a drive-in movie.Peggy Sue's father suggests, "Why don't you kids go out and sсrеw? I hear all of the kids are doing it."Bobby is shocked. "Excuse me, sir?""Oh yes," he replies. "Peggy Sue really likes to sсrеw. She'll sсrеw all night if we let her."Peggy Sue comes downstairs and announces that she's ready to go.About 20 minutes later, Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams, "Dad! The Twist! It's called the Twist!"

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What is Moby Diск's father's name?
Papa Воnеr.

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Q: What did the dad buffalo say to his son on the first day of school?
A: Bison

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School Jokes Animal Jokes Dad Jokes

A redneck family's only son returns home from college. The father asks, "Well son, you done gone to college, so you must be perty smart. Why don't you speak some math fer' us?"
The son says, "Pi R squared."
The father yells, "Why son, they ain't teached ya nothin'! Pies are round, cornbread are square."

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Little Johnny's first grade class was playing "Name That Animal." The teacher held up a picture of a cat and asked, "What animal is this?"
"A cat!" said Suzy.
"Good job. Now, what's this animal?"
"A dog!" said Ricky.
"Good. Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer.
The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said, "It's what your mom calls your dad."
"I know!" called out Little Johnny. "A hоrny ваsтаrd!"

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To the tune of "Walking in a Winter Wonderland":
Dog tags ring, are you listening'?
In the lane, snow is glistening.
It's yellow, not white - I've been there tonight,
Marking up my winter wonderland.
Smell that tree? That's my fragrance.
It's a sign for wandering vagrants;
"Avoid where I рее, it's my property.
Marked up as my winter wonderland."
In the meadow dad will build a snowman,
following the classical design.
Then I'll lift my leg and let it go, man,
So all the world will know it's mine-mine-mine!
Straight from me to the fence post,
flows my natural incense boast,
"Stay off of my turf, this small piece of earth,
I mark it as my winter wonderland."

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The mother said, ''Son don't say рiss in church. Next time you have to рiss, say, 'whisper' because it is more polite.
The next Sunday, the litle boy was sitting by his father this time, and once again, he had to go to the bathroom.
He told his father, ''Daddy I have to whisper.''
The father said, ''OK. Here, whisper in my ear.''

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A guy walks into a bar, sits down and has a drink. Suddenly, a man hollers at him, ''I sсrеwеd your mom last night!'' Disturbed, the man tries to ignore him.
Again, he hears, ''Your mom was good in bed last night!'' Again, he tries to ignore it.
The man is just about to speak again but the guy stops him and says, ''Dad, go home, you're drunк!''

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Three little boys were sitting around talking about their fathers. The first boy said, "My dad can вlоw smoke rings."
The second boy said, "My dad can вlоw smoke rings out of his nose."
The third boy said, "Well, my dad can вlоw smoke rings out of his вuтт."
The first and second boys where amazed. The second boy said, "Have you seen him do it?"
"No," said the third boy, "but I've seen the tobacco stains on his underwear."

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Gross Jokes Dad Jokes Fart Jokes

Did you hear about the new movie "Constipation?"
It hasn't come out yet.

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Gross Jokes Dad Jokes

What did the dad say when his son said, ''Dad I'm tired of walking in circles?
''Shut up kid or I'll nail your other foot to the ground."

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Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A: Wings.

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Yo' Mama is so sтuрid, she bought a solar powered flashlight.

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Yo Momma Jokes Sex Jokes Dad Jokes Stupid Jokes

Yo' Mama is so ugly, when she was born, her mama called her a treasure, so her daddy offered to bury her.

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Yo' Mama is so fат, when she heard it was chilly out, she ran outside with a spoon.

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Yo Momma Jokes Dad Jokes

Yo' Mama is so skanky, when yo' daddy suggested doggie style, she laid down and licked her ваlls.

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Yo' daddy's so ugly, when he looked out the window he was arrested for mooning!

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Yo Momma Jokes Dad Jokes Ugly Jokes

While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!"
Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad.
Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her.
Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"

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One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story.
The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story. Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket." Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chickeneggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched." Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story. Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch." Next up was little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of вееr, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of вееr. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands." The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story. "Well," Johnny replied, "Don't f**k with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."

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A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is.
When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was. His dad thought for a while and answered, ''Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.'' ''I still don't get it'' responded the Little Johnny. ''Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better,'' said the dad. ''Okay then...good night'' said Little Jonny went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a сrар in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sеx with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, ''OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is sсrеwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of s**t!''

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