You're in incredible shape," the doctor said. "How old are you again"?"I am 78," the man said."78!" remarked the doctor. "How do you stay so healthy? You look like a 60-year-old.""Well, my wife and I made a pact when we got married that whenever she got mad, she would go into the kitchen and cool off and I would go outside for a walk to settle down," the man explained."What does that have to do with it?” asked the doctor."I've pretty much lived an outdoor life." 0 0 0
I just think people in Los Angeles don't know what to do when they see a woman who has a little flesh on her. They're like, 'What are you, some weird, doughy man?' 0 0 0
I have five sisters -- just body-conscious to the point of ridiculousness. My youngest sister was in a car accident one summer; now she's OK. The girl was in a coma for two weeks, hooked up to all these machines, fighting for her life, and we're at her bedside going, 'She's gonna lose so much weight, that lucky вiтсh.' 0 0 0
I recently got a fake tattoo on my arm, which is cool. I got one of those iron-on kinds. It's real cheap, it's cool -- it's a flaming skull inside a giant red burn mark. 0 0 0
These NHS budget cuts are starting to show.I went for a prostate exam, and instead of luве, the doctor spat in my аsshоlе. 0 0 0
I cannot trust my doctor anymore. I can't 'cause have you noticed that whenever we're sick and they prescribe something for us, the side effects are worse than the original problem? There is a prescription sleeping pill that is supposed to cure insomnia, but the side effects are amnesia and paranoia. How does that work? You're like, 'Hey, how'd ya sleep?''I don't remember. Who sent you?' 0 0 0
Patient: Doctor! You've got to help me! Nobody ever listens to me. No one ever pays any attention to what I have to say.Doctor: Next! 0 0 0
An eighty-year-old man went to his doctor to complain about pain in one knee. The doctor examined it gently and said,"Well, you know that knee is eighty years old. You can't expect too much.""That's true," the man agreed; "but Doc, so is the other one and it's not bothering me like this one!" 0 0 0
A women goes to her doctor and he notices she has a black eye. He asks her about it and she breaks down crying and says her husband comes home drunк and beats her all the time. The Doctor says well I fix that for you next time he comes home drunк, drink this and gargle it till he goes to sleep. One month later she goes back to the doctor happy and bruise free and asks what was in that mouthwash? Nothing, You just needed to shut the fuск up.= 0 0 0
A lady goes to see her doctor and says, “Doc, my back really hurts when I have sеx.” ……The doctor says, “Which position do you use?” ……The lady says, “We always do it doggie style.” ….….The doctor says, That’s your problem. Try using the missionary position.”She says, “I can’t do that. My dog has terrible breath.” 0 0 0
The way that these girls keep themselves skinny is awful, isn't it? By vomiting or using hard drugs -- which I can't afford. 0 0 0
At the local Mental Hospital :Doctor:- “What is this?”Mad Man:- “This is a book I wrote. Total 500 pages.”Doctor- “You wrote 500 pages?!… woooooow, What did you write?”Mad man:“On the first page I wrote One day a King rode on a Horse and went towards the Jungle.And on the last page I wrote The King reached the Jungle.”Doctor:- “So what did you write in the remaining 498 pages?”Mad Man:- “I wrote;Tigdik tigdik tigdikTigdik…. tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik….Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. TigdikTigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik….Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. TigdikTigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik….Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. TigdikTigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik….Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.Tigdik tigdik tigdikTigdik tigdik. TigdikTigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik….Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik….Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.Tigdik tigdik tigdikTigdik tigdik tigdik….Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.Tigdik tigdik tigdikTigdik tigdik. TigdikTigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik….Tigdik tigdiTigdik…Doctor :- (stunned) “AND what’s that????!!!!!”Mad Man:- “That’s the sound of the Horse running…The hooves digging the terrain.”Doctor- “AND Who will read your story?”Mad Man:“I will post it on the joke cafe site. My mad friends there will definitely read it…they’re all fuскing idiots, in fact one of them is reading it even as we speak!” 0 0 0
You have a Slim-Fast for breakfast, a Slim-Fast for lunch; then, you eat a sensible dinner.' How sensible are you going to be after eating powder all day? 0 0 0
I have this big problem, doctor - everyone is calling me crazy just because I love hot dogs …- That’s sтuрid, in my opinion - frankly, I adore hot dogs too, but nobody calls me crazy ...- Really? Great, doctor! Why don’t you come along with me and I’ll show you my collection! 0 0 0
An engineer and a psychiatrist meet up for their 20th college reunion.The engineer says,"I'm surprised to see you still looking so young. I'd have thought listening to people's problems all day would have given you a mass of wrinkles."The psychiatrist says,"You think we listen?" 1 0 0