Medical and Doctor Jokes

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Nurse: Good morning Mr. Smith, you seem to be coughing much more easily this morning.
Mr. Smith: I should be, I’ve been practicing all night.

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Al: You're looking glum.
Sam: Yeah, my doctor says I can't play football.
Al: Really? I didn't know he'd ever seen you play!

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I'm trying to toughen up my image. I don't have any tattoos or piercings yet, but I do have a cold sore I've been ignoring.

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Then there's a friend who only calls me when she's depressed. You all know people like this: I'm on the phone with her for three hours; it's a waste of time. She never listens to my advice -- she will not jump.

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Maybe it's just me, but it seems like every time I go to see the doctor, all I hear coming out of his mouth is a DIE-agnosis?

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Every so often my digestive system seems to just shut down. A little gas, another false alarm. …
….
Then, just about the time you think you had better confide in your doctor and get an enema, Mother Nature comes through … with a vengeance. ….
…..
Ever had to take a dump so huge you had to hand out cigars?

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What's the difference between a psychiatrist and a psychologist?
If you say, 'I hate my mother', a psychiatrist will ask, "Why do you say that?"
Whereas a psychologist will say, "Thank you for sharing that with us."

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A woman goes to the doctors complaining of stomach cramps. She gets sent off for some test and comes back a week later.
“Well, I hope you’re ready for endless sleepless nights of crying and changing dirтy nappies!” the doc says.
“Wow, you mean I’m pregnant?” the woman replies thrilled.
“No, you’ve got воwеl cancer.”

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This old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat.
His wife said, “Where are you going?” He said, “I’m going to the doctor.”
And she said, “Why? Are you sick?”
“No,” he said. “I’m going to get me some of those new Viаgrа pills.”
So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater and he said, “Where are you going?”
She said, “I’m going to the doctor too.”
He said, “Why?”
She said, “If you’re going to start using that rusty old thing again, I’m going to get a tetanus shot.”

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A man goes to see his doctor. When he sits down the examining room, he has a green bean in each nostril, a carrot in one ear and a zucchini in the other.
He says, “Doc, I don’t feel well.”
The doctor looks and him and replies, “That's because you’re not eating well.”

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A girl asks her doctor, “how many calories are there in сuм?” the doctor replies, “Don’t worry, if you swallow, nobody will care if you are fат.”

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I'm really busy next week, I have two back to back appointments with my chiropractor on Wednesday...
I fired him once, but I took him back!

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Guy goes to see his doctor for an annual medical exam.
“Doc,” he says. “Give it to me straight.”
“OK,” says the doctor. “You need to quit pulling your pud.”
“What?” says the guy quite astonished. “Give me one good reason why I need to do that?”
“Well, for one, I am trying to conduct an exam here.”

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My girlfriend wanted to try “doctor and patient” roleplay. …
But things went awry from the start when I said:
“Hello! I’m your dietitian.”

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They used to say ‘An apple a day keeps the doctor away’ but now most of the doctors are Muslim I find bacon works better.

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A sеxy blonde goes to the doctor and says,
“Oh doctor, it’s awful, every time I hear a Jim Carrey quote, I get so hоrny that I rip my clothes off and fсuк the nearest thing to me!”
Doctor replies, “Re-he-eeeeallllllllly?”

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A fellow was asked if there were any good doctors is his home town.
“Good doctors!” he exclaimed. “We have the best doctors in the world. Dr. James Jones is one good doctor; he’s great; he saved my life.”
“You don’t say! How was that?”
“I was very sick and called Dr. Smith. He gave me some medicine and I got very, very ill. I then called Dr. Peters. He gave me more medicine. I got worse - I thought I was going to die.”
“Then I called Dr. Jones. He had no time to come. He saved my life.”

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A new bride went to her doctor for a check up. Lacking knowledge of the male anatomy, she asked the doctor “What’s that thing hanging between my husbands legs?”
The doctor replies “We call that the реnis.” The new bride then asks “What’s that reddish/purple thing on the end of the реnis?”
The doctor replies “We call that the head of the реnis. The bride then asks “What are those 2 round things about 15 inches from the head of the реnis?”
The doctor replies “Lady, on him I don’t know, but on me they’re the cheeks of my аss!”

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When a patient was wheeled into our emergency room, I was the nurse on duty.
"On a scale of zero to ten," I asked her, "with zero representing no pain and ten representing excruciating pain, what would you say your pain level is now?"
She shook her head. "Oh, I don’t know. I’m not good with math."

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“If you want to live much longer” said the doctor gravely, “you’ll have to stop smoking.”
“It’s too late for that,” I said.
“It’s never too late to stop.”
“Well, then I have plenty of time left.”

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