Doctor's jokes, Health Jokes, Medical joke

I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labour and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, "Congratulations sir, you’re the new father of twins!"
The man replied, "How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company."
The man then followed the woman to his wife’s room.
About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith’s wife has just had triplets.
Mr. Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company."
The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave.
When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, "I think I need a breath of fresh air."
The man continued, "I work for 7-UP."

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Q: Why is a blood bank more profitable than a sреrм bank?
A: The sреrм is handmade.

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Dirty jokes Money jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Banker Jokes

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 hours! That's terrible! What could be worse? What's the very bad news?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

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Medical and Doctor Jokes

A blonde went to the emergency room with the tip of her left index finger blown off.
"How did this happen?" the doctor asked.
"Well I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.
"Trying to commit suicide by shooting your finger?"
"No silly! First I put the gun to my chest and I thought, ‘I just paid $6,000 for these,’ then I put it in my mouth and I thought, ‘I just paid $4,000 to get my teeth fixed.’ So then I put the gun in my ear and I thought, ‘this is going to make a loud noise,’ so I put my finger in my ear before I pulled the trigger.”

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Blonde Jokes Money jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

I sent a reminder to a client that it was time to visit the eye doctor.
He called back to inform me that he would not be coming in because, as he put it, "I have a new obstetrician."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Customer service jokes Phone jokes

Patient: "Tell me how I can repay you for all your kindness."
Doctor: "You can pay by cash, cheque or MONEY order."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Money jokes

Patient: "Doctor, do you think that I shall live until I am ninety?"
Doctor: "How old are you now?"
Patient: "40"
Doctor: "Do you drink, gamble, smoke or do you have any other vice?"
Patient: "No. I don’t drink. I don’t gamble. I don’t smoke. I have no vice."
Doctor: "Then why do you want to live for another fifty years?"

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Old People Jokes

Patient to doctor: "On the top of your prescription these words are printed: We treat; God Cures. If so, would I give the fee to you or shall I send it to God?"
Doctor: "Pay me. I will send it."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes God Jokes

The doctor gave me one year to live.
So in the heat of the moment, I shot him.
And the judge gave me 15 years.
Problem solved.

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Prison Jokes Stupid Jokes

A man answers the telephone to find a doctor from the hospital's emergency room on the other end.
"Sir," explains the doctor, "Your wife was in a serious car accident. I have bad news and good news."
The man, taken back, asks hesitatntly, "What's the bad news?"
"The bad news is your wife has lost all use of both arms and both legs. She will likely be on a respirator for the rest of her life."
"Heavens, Doc, what's the good news?"
The doctor replies, "I'm kidding. She's dead."

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Dark Humor Jokes News and Politics Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes

What do you do for exercise?
I lift weights.
What do you do for cardio?
I lift weights faster.

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Fitness jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

A 64-year-old lady never had any kids, so she went to her doctor and asked if he would help her with in-vitro fertilization.
He said, "You're a little old, but I guess we could give it a try."
A few months later she got pregnant.
She invited her girlfriends over to see the baby, and they all very anxious to see the baby boy. The newly mother said, "why don't we just talk awhile."
As time went on, her friends asked again and again where is the baby...
She said, "We never get a chance to talk, and here is our chance to catch up!"
Finally they insisted on seeing him.
She said, "Well, we'll just have to wait until he cries before you all can see him."
The women were puzzled.
And she said, "I don't remember where I put him."

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Jokes about Women Kids Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Old People Jokes Friendship Jokes Baby Jokes

Patient: “Doctor, Doctor… I can’t stop stealing things”.
Doctor: “Take these pills for a week. If that doesn’t work, I’ll have a color TV”.

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Office and Work Jokes Dark Humor Jokes

A desperate man goes to the doctor because he can't get a hard-on. He says:
"Doc I can't live without sеx, I need the use of my equipment back!!"
The Doc says:
"There is an experimental procedure where the muscles of a baby elephants' trunk are removed and implanted in your реnis, this gives you the full use of your реnis."
"Great I'll do it."
Some time after the procedure, the man is at dinner with his date. He feels a rustle in his pants. So he just ignored it.
It happens again.
So he figured it just needed some air.
So he unzips his pants to let it out. The problem seemed to go away until his реnis reached up onto the table, grabbed a roll and disappeared back under the table.
His date stared in complete awe and said:
"Can you do that again"
"Probably but I don't think I could fit another roll up my аss."

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Sex Jokes Food Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes Baby Jokes

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my bottom."
The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him.
The man asks, "Is it serious, doctor?"
The doctor replies, "I'm sorry to tell you, but this is just the tip of the iceberg."

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Men jokes Men vs Women Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

Drink water, let's surprise the liver!

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

Benefits of having Alzheimer's:
You can wrap your own presents.
You are always meeting new friends.

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Dark Humor Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Friendship Jokes

Three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf... I haven’t heard from him since

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Medical and Doctor Jokes One-Liner Jokes

A teacher asks the children to discuss what their fathers do for a living.
Little Mary says: "My Dad is a lawyer.
He puts the bad guys in jail."
Little Jack says: "My Dad is a doctor.
He makes all the sick people better."
All the kids in the class had their turn except Little Johnny.
Teacher says: "Johnny, what does your Dad do?"
Johnny says: "My Dad is dead."
"I'm sorry to hear that, but what did he do before he died?"
"He turned blue and shiт on the carpet."

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Gross Jokes School Jokes Little Johnny Jokes Kids Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Lawyer Jokes Dad Jokes

Two children, Johnny and Alex were sitting outside a clinic.
Alex was crying very loudly.
Johnny: Why are you crying?
Alex: I came here for a blood test.
Johnny: So? Are you afraid?
Alex: No. For the blood test, they cut my finger.
After hearing this Johnny started weeping making Alex feel surprised as well as curious and Alex asked: Why are you crying now?
Johnny: I came for a urinе test!

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Dark Humor Jokes