Jokes about Dogs

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the сriме. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!'

20 0

A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink.
The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!"
The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog."
"Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me."
The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.
Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua.
The first guys sees him, stops him and says
"You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog."
The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink.
The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"
The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bartender says, "No, I don't think so.
They do not have Chiwauas as seeing-eye dogs."
The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"

70 0

Drinking and Drunk Jokes Animal Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Dog jokes

There once was this guy who was going on a date to the movies with a beautiful girl. Before he went, he made the mistake of eating a jumbo can of beans. Right after he picked her up, he felt the need to fаrт, but he figured he could wait until they got to the movies.
When they got there, he asked her if she wanted some popcorn and Coke. She said sure, so he went to the restroom. The line was long, so he went back to the lobby, got the food, and went back into the theatre.
When the movie was over, he goes to the bathroom again, still with a tremondously long line. So he figures he can wait until he drops her off.
When they pull up into her driveway, she exclaims, ''Oh goodie. My grandparents are here. Come on in and meet them.''
He agrees, although his A-hole is about to cry at this point.
They go in and sit down at the table. Finally, he couldn't hold it in any longer a tried to let it seep out a little at a time. As he squeezed out a toxic blast, he aimed it towards the family's hound dog Duke, in hopes that they might blame the pooch for the horrendous fаrт. The girl's father stands up and hollers ''Duke!!'' and sits back down.
''Great!'' he thought. ''They really think it's the dog!'' So, he starts bombarding the room with a couple, more powerful, louder stinkers.
Once again, the girl's father stands up, shouts ''Duke!!'' and sits back down.
Finally, he lets it all go and the loudest most hair-curling fаrт you've ever heard or smelt rippled through the dining room. The girl's father stands up again. ''Duke, get the hеll out from under him before he shiтs on you!!''

40 0

Dating Jokes Gross Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Food Jokes Beauty Jokes Fart Jokes Dog jokes

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, 'My elbow hurts like heck. I guess I'd better see a doctor.'
'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,' Mike replies.
There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urinе sample, and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - a lot cheaper than a doctor.
So, Joe deposits a urinе sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco.
He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urinе sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:'You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
Thank you for shopping @ Costco'That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urinе samples from his wife and daughter, and a sреrм sample from himself for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results.
He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a сосаinе habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant -- Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping @ Costco!

84 0

Medical and Doctor Jokes Lawyer Jokes Dog jokes

If your dog was barking at the back door and your wife was knocking on the front door, who would you let in first?
The dog – at least he would shut up once he was in.

43 0

Marriage and Family Jokes Jokes about Women Animal Jokes Dogs Sleeping Anywhere Dog jokes

A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife, “Wife, we’re going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog.”
The wife grimaces, “But I don’t like fishing!”
“Look! We’re going fishing and that’s final.”
“Do I have to go fishing with you… I really don’t want to go!”
“Right I’ll give you three choices… 1 You come fishing with me and the dog… 2 You give me a ВLОW JOB…. 3 or you take it up the аss!”
The wife grimaces again, “But I don’t want to do any of those things!”
“Wife I’ve given you three options.. You’ll HAVE to do one of them! I’m going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!”
The wife sits and thinks about it.
Twenty minutes later her husband comes back, “Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, ВLОW JOB, or аss?”
The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, “O.K. I’ll give you a вlоw job!”
“Great!” He says and drops his pants.
The wife is on her knees doing the business.
Suddenly she stops, looks up at her Husband, “Oh! It tastes absolutely disgusting… It tastes all shiттy!”
“Yes!” says her husband “The dog didn’t want to go fishing either.”

65 0

Fishing Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Animal Jokes Dirty jokes Dog jokes

What is the difference between Bill and his dog Buddy?
Buddy can liск his own diск.

1 0

Bill Clinton Jokes Dog jokes

Two blondes decide to go duck hunting.
Neither one of them has ever been duck hunting before and after several hours they still haven't bagged any.
One hunter looks at the other and says, "I just don't understand it, why aren't we getting any ducks?"
Her friend says, "I keep telling you, I just don't think we're throwing the dog high enough."

32 0

Blonde Jokes Friendship Jokes Dog jokes

Barking dog at the back door wanting in and your wife's yelling at the front wanting in.
Which one do you let in?
The dog, once he's in, he shuts up!

25 0

Pet Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Animal Jokes Dog jokes

A doctor, an architect, and an attorney were dining at the country club one day, and the conversation turned to the subject of their respective dogs, which were apparently quite extraordinary.
A wager was placed on who had the most intelligent dog.
The physician offered to show his dog first, and called to the parking lot, “Hippocrates, come!”
Hippocrates ran in, and was told by the doctor to do his stuff.
Hippocrates ran to the golf course and dug for a while, producing a number of bones.
He dragged the bones into the country club, and assembled them into a complete, fully articulated human skeleton.
The physician patted Hippocrates on the head, and gave him a cookie for his efforts.
The architect was only marginally impressed, and called for his dog, “Sliderule, come!”
Sliderule ran in, and was told to do his stuff.
The dog immediately chewed the skeleton to rubble, but reassembled the fragments into a scale model of the Taj Mahal.
The architect patted his dog and gave him a cookie.
The attorney watched the other two dogs, and called “Вullshiт, come!”
Bullshit entered and was told to do his stuff.
Bullshit immediately sodomised the other two dogs, stole their cookies, auctioned the Taj Mahal replica to the other club members for his fee, and went outside to play golf.

30 0

Pet Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Animal Jokes Dog jokes

Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.

33 0

Pet Jokes Animal Jokes Dog jokes

This little kid is walking up the street with his Daddy.
They see two dogs going at it.
The little kid says "Hey daddy what are those doggies doing?"
The father says "Ahh, they're making a puppy."
That night the little kid walks in on his mother & father and daddy's on top driving it home to mama!
The little kid says "Hey daddy what were you doing with Mommy?"
He says "Oh, were making it a baby."
The kid say "Turn her over, I want a puppy!"

0 0

Pet Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Kids Jokes Animal Jokes Sex Jokes Dog jokes

Favorite Country Western Songs:
16. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed Your Аss Out All Day Long
15. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
14 If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
13. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
12. I Liked You Better Before I Got to Know You So Well
11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' better
10. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
9. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight
8. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like You're Still Here
7. If I Had Shot You When I First Wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Prison By Now
6. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him
5. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
4. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
3. Her Teeth Was Stained But Her Heart Was Pure
2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer
And the Number one Country Western song is. . . .
1. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With Ugly Women, but I've Sure Woke Up With A Few

75 0

Music and Musician Jokes Beer Jokes Dog jokes

A man walks into a bar.
He sits down and orders a вееr.
While drinking he notices on the back shelf, a giant glass jar full of dollar bills.
He asks the bartender "what's with all the $"?
The bartender replies, "it's a game customers play. They put $50 in the jar, and have to complete 3 tasks to win the bulk".
The man says, shocked, "well what are the tasks? There must be thousands in that jar".
The bartender responds "you must pay the $50 before given the tasks".
The man refuses and claims that's sтuрid.
But after a few beers, curiosity gets to him and he decides to pay the fee.
The bartender explains "The three tasks are... you must first drink this entire bottle of tequila until it's empty. Next, outback is an angry, stray Rottweiler who has a horrible tooth which needs to be removed. And lastly, upstairs in the apartment is an old lady who's been widowed for 45 years and hasn't had an оrgаsм since. So you must also give her a wild time to extreme pleasure to win the reward".
The man agrees and starts with a few sips of the spirit, takes a break then chugs the rest of the entire bottle!
Already feeling wasted and dazed, he stumbles out of his stool, and towards the back exit.
Once outside, the bartender and other customers can only listen to what is happening.
After a few barks and growls, all of a sudden the dog lets out a loud whimper.
In stumbles, the daring man, clothes shredded and blood spattered.
The customer's mouths were hanging wide open.
The bartender asks " oh my god, nobody's ever done that, is the dog going to be alright?!"
"Ahhhh Don't worry about that dамn dog" shouts the drunken man. "Just tell me where the old вiтсh is who needs that tooth pulled".

65 0

Drinking and Drunk Jokes Money jokes Animal Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Vulgar jokes Beer Jokes Dog jokes

A man and his son were walking through a field, and saw two dogs mating.
The little boy asked his Dad what was happening.
The father replied, “Well, son, they’re making a puppy.”
The following evening, the little boy was thirsty, so he went from his bed to get a glass of water.
Not being able to reach the glasses, he walked unannounced into his parents bedroom, who were making love in their usual missionary position.
Confused, the boy asked what were they doing.
The dad responded very slowly and caringly to his impressionanle little boy, “Well, son, we are making you a little brother.”
The little boy replied ,”Please turn Mom over, Dad, I’d rather have a puppy!”

34 0

Kids Jokes Men jokes Dad Jokes Dog jokes

One afternoon I was walking on a trail with my baby daughter, chatting to her about the scenery.
When a man and his dog approached, I leaned down to the carriage and said, “See the doggy?”
Suddenly I felt foolish talking to my baby as if she understood me.
However, just as the man passed, he reached down, patted his dog, and said, “See the baby?”

34 0

Pet Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes Baby Jokes Dog jokes

What is the ideal cockpit crew?
A pilot and a dog.
The pilot is there to feed the dog, and the dog is there to bite the pilot in case he tries to touch anything.

33 0

Military Jokes God Jokes Aviation Jokes Dog jokes Pilot Jokes

A blind man with a guide dog comes to a town square, takes the dog by the tail and starts whirling him around.
„What on earth are you doing?!" asks a passer-by.
The blind man replies, „Nothing, just looking around a bit."

33 0

Pet Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes Dog jokes

One day the teacher was asking the class about there weekends.
She asked sue, "how was your weekend?"
"Good."
Then little Johnny waved his hand "me, me, me."
Finally giving in said, "what did you do this weekend?"
"I rode in my wagon pulled by my dog and hit a steep hill. The wagon started going faster than the dog and the handle went up his аss."
"Rестuм is the word you're looking for," she says.
"Rестuм," said Johnny, "da man near killed him."

0 0

Little Johnny Jokes School Jokes Animal Jokes Vulgar jokes Communication Jokes Dog jokes

Ways to Terrorize a Telemarketer
Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.
Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"
Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!"
After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you a case of вееr and some сhiрs.
If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?"
Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where the hеll she could know you from.
If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
When they ask "How are you today?" Tell them! "I'm so glad you asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."

56 0

Drinking and Drunk Jokes Banker Jokes Beer Jokes Dog jokes