Jokes about Dogs

Q: Why didn't the fixed dog cross the road?
A: Because he didn't have the ваlls to do it.

69 0

Two deer hunters were not having any luck so they asked for advice from an old-timer.
"You can just about guarantee a deer if you learn to hunt with dogs," he said.
The two hunters got a trained deer dog and hit the woods.
At the end of the day and still empty-handed, one hunter said to the other, "Maybe tomorrow we'll get one if we throw the dog out of a higher treestand."

65 0

Hunting Jokes Animal Jokes Dog jokes

A little frivolity to get you going... 1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it. 2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..." 3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts." 4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. 5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high." 6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in. 7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off". 8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle. 9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it. 10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself. 11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it." 12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. ' Is it common? ' "It's not unusual." 13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? ""No, because he's really heavy" 14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start." 15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom! 16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. 17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.' 18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Но-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin. 19. Two fат blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fат bast**d!" 20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off. 21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice." 22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore" 23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

62 0

Blonde Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Dog jokes

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE!
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? Juan on Juan
What is a Yankee? The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? The position of the dirt bag
Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it.
Why is air a lot like sеx? Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any
What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever.
What do attorneys use for birth control? Their personalities.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? 20 kilos
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband? 45 minutes
What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sеx? Because they have cotton ваlls.
What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW? A porcupine has the рriскs on the outside.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? "Are you sure it's mine?"
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sеx? Mace will do that to you.
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ? Everyone has the same DNA.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Вrеаsтs don't have eyes. Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi? He walks around saying "Yo."
Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sеx Ed class uses it.
Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar. Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a rетаrdеd baby? They named him "Sum Ting Wong What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment.
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shiт..."
Why is there no Disneyland in China? No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

69 0

Blonde Jokes Monday jokes Friday jokes BMW jokes School Jokes Dog jokes

A blonde decided to commit suicide by hanging herself from a tree in the park.
A few days later, a man was walking his dog and spotted her hanging from the tree. He asks the blonde what she is doing and she replies, "I'm hanging myself."
"You're supposed to put the noose around your neck, not your waist," said the onlooker.
"I tried that," replied the blonde, "but I couldn't breathe."

61 0

Blonde Jokes Dog jokes

A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I’d like some Polish sausage."
The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, “"Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?"
The clerk says, "Well, no."
With deep self-righteous ndignation, the guy says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I’m Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage?"
The clerk replies, "Because this is Home Depot."

35 0

Jewish Jokes Mexican jokes Dog jokes

A man walking down the streets sees another man with a very big dog.
One man says to the other, "Does your dog bite?"
The man replies, "No my dog doesn't."
The man pats the dog and has his hand bitten off, "I thought you said your dog didn't bite" said the injured man.
"Thats not my dog", replied the other.

35 0

Pet Jokes Men vs Women Jokes Men jokes Dog jokes

A young man presents his fiancée to his parent. At the table, the girl needs to have a fаrт. After a couple of minutes they can feel a smell...
The father-in-law says: Rex...!
Happy that her future father-in-law blamed the dog under her chair, the girl relaxes.
After a while she gives another and the father-in-law says very angry:
Rex, be careful...
With a very big relief, the girl farts again.
Father-in-law says:
Rex!
Get out of there she’ll shiт on you!

35 0

Parent Jokes Blonde Jokes Men jokes Dog jokes

Q: What do dogs do after they finish obedience school?
A: They get their masters.

76 0

School Jokes Animal Jokes Dog jokes

Jimmy was staring at a dog in the park whilst the dog was licking himself in inappropriate parts and said to his dad, "I wish I could do that."
Jimmy's dad looked down at Jimmy and said, "Maybe if you ask the dog nicely, he might let you!"

36 0

Pet Jokes Dirty jokes Dad Jokes Dog jokes

Your mom's so dumb, she threw the dog and told the stick to fetch!

35 0

Yo Momma Jokes Animal Jokes Stupid Jokes Dog jokes

A woman took her dog to the vet. She said, "I think my dog is dead". The doctor laid the dog on the table and reached down and took a cat out of a box.
The cat walked all over the dog and the dog didn't move. "Yes, your dog is dead," says the doctor.
"How much do I owe you?" the lady asks.
"$345," says the doctor.
"$345!!?" the lady asks.
"Yes. $45 for the office visit and $300 for the cat scan."

44 0

Pet Jokes Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Money jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Animal Jokes Dog jokes

A man is out walking in New York when he sees a girl being savaged by a fierce dog.
He fights off the dog by beating about the head with a stick and saves the girl's life.
The girl's mother rushes over to him: "Thank you, thank you, you are a hero, tomorrow all the newspapers will have headlines about Brave New Yorker Saves the Life of Young Girl"
"But I'm not a New Yorker," the man says.
"Oh, then it will say in all the newspapers Brave American Saves Life of Young Girl," says the mother.
"But I'm not an American," the man says.
"What are you then?" asks the mother.
"I'm an Iranian," the man says.
The next day he sees the newspaper headlines:
Islamic Extremist kills American Dog.

37 0

Ethnic and Racial Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes Sick and Death Jokes American Jokes Dog jokes

Little lad is sitting between his Mum and Dad on the sofa and they are playing a game about what sounds animals say.
His Mum says "What does a duck say Tommy?"
He says"Quack quack Mummy."
His Mum says "Very good Tommy,that's right."
She says "What does a dog say?"
He says "Woof woof Mummy."
She says "Very good."
She says "What does a cat say?"
He says "Meow meow Mummy."
She says "Yes that's right."
Tommy says "Let Daddy have a go."
His dad says "Ok Tommy,what does a соw say?"
The little lad looks confused and his Dad says "Come on Tommy you know what a соw says."
Tommy says "Yes I do but do you mean a соw that eats grass and gives us our milk, or the one you where talking to Uncle John about, that said you could'nt go to the Stag show with him?"

33 0

Kids Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Animal Jokes Dad Jokes Dog jokes

A woman saw an ad in the local newspaper which read: "Purebred Police Dog $25."
Thinking that to be a great bargain, she called and ordered the dog to be delivered.
The next day a van arrived at her home and delivered the mangiest-looking mongrel she had ever seen.
In a rage, she telephoned the man who had placed the ad, "How dare you call that mangy-mutt a purebred police dog?"
"Don't let his looks deceive you, ma'am," the man replied, "He's in the Secret Service."

36 0

Police Officer Jokes Jokes about Women Animal Jokes Men jokes Dog jokes

There was this man who had a dog.
Every Sunday morning at 4:30 AM the man and the dog would go fishing.
One day, the man fell in love and got married.
After the wedding, when the man and the woman got in bed together, the man turned to the woman.
"Tomorrow is Sunday and every Sunday morning, me and my dog go fishing at 4:30 AM. We'd like you to come along."
"And what if I don't want to come along?" the woman asked impatiently.
"Well then, sweetie, we'll just have to have buttsex."
With that, the man rolled over and fell asleep, and left the woman pondering.
"God, I hate having the buttsex, but I also hate getting up so early. I'll have to think about this more."
In the morning, the woman could hear the man going downstairs to get the dog.
It was much too early for the woman to get up so she decided to wait for the inevitable buttsex.
She waited for about half an hour and fell back asleep, thinking her husband had left already.
She awoke to the man, pulling on her arm.
"Have you made your decision?" he asked
"Yes," she replied. "I do not want to go fishing."
True to his word, the man pulled down his pants.
"By the way, what took you so long to come upstairs? It usually doesn't take that long to get Sparky up."
"I know," the man said. "He didn't want to go either."

37 0

Jokes about Women Gross Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes God Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes Dog jokes

I hope to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am.

36 0

Pet Jokes Animal Jokes Dog jokes

My dear old dad always said he had two big disappointments in life: the dog ran away and I didn't.

36 0

Parent Jokes Kids Jokes Animal Jokes Dad Jokes Dog jokes

A dog walks into a pub, and takes a seat.
He says to the barman, "Can I have a pint of lager and a packet of crisps please".
The barman says, "Wow, that's amazing! You should join the circus!"
The dog replies, "Why? Do they need electricians?"

37 0

Bar and Bartender Jokes Animal Jokes Dog jokes

During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by a visiting general.
"You simpleton!" the officer barked.
"Don't you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?"
"Yes sir," the solder answered apologetically.
"But, if I may say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice.
And I never moved a muscle when a large dog peed on my lower branches.
But when two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the вiggеr say, "Let's eat one now and save the other until winter' - that did it!"

36 0

Military Jokes Office and Work Jokes Animal Jokes Dog jokes