Drug Jokes - Page 3

My boss doesn't believe money equals happiness.
So instead of raises, he gives us Prozac.

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How to give a cat a pill.
1. Pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.
Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.
As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth.
Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.
Cradle cat in left Arm and repeat process.
3. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand.
Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger.
Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
4. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws, ignore growls emitted by cat.
Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth.
Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
5. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.
Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
6. Wrap cat in a large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with cat's head just visible from below armpit.
Put pill in end of a drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and вlоw down straw.
7. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink a вееr to take away the taste.
Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from the carpet with soap and water.
8. Tie the little angel's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of the dining table.
Find heavy pruning gloves from shed.
Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak.
Be rough about it.
Hold head vertical and pour 2 pints of water down cat's throat to wash down pill.
9. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the A&E, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill from your eye.
Call furniture shop on way home to order a new table.
10. Arrange for RSPCA to collect the mutant cat from hеll and ring local pet shop to see whether they have any hamsters.

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Pet Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Animal Jokes Drug Jokes Wine jokes Beer Jokes

New generic drug replacement for Viаgrа – it's called Mycoxaflopin.

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Drug Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Viagra jokes

Me: "I only smoke wееd because of Cancer."
Mom: "You don't have Cancer!"
Me: "So it's working..."

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Weed Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Drug Jokes

There was three guys a sеx addict a wееd addict and a alcoholic they all went to hеll for their sin and was standing in front of the devil.
The devil made a deal with them saying I will lock you in a room with what ever you did for a 1000 years and if you get over any of your sins I will send you back to the land of the living, Earth.
So the sеx addict got locked in a room full of virgins, the alcohol addict got locked in a room full of вееr, the wееd addict locked in a room full of wееd.
1000 years later the Devil goes to the sеx addict he comes out saying "Aww my diск hurts I'm never having sеx again", рооf back to earth.
Open the alcoholic room and he say "Im never having вееr", and gets sent back to Earth.
Then the Devil opens the wееd addicts room and the Wееd addict punches the Devil in the face and says "you forgot my lighter вiтсh!"

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Vulgar jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Sex Jokes Drug Jokes Beer Jokes

Q: How do all stoner stories start?
A: This one time when I was high...

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Drug Jokes

There was this guy who was sick,so he went to the doctor.
The doc ran some tests and sent him home with some medicine.
The next day the doctor called and the wife answered.
"I'm going to need to run a few more tests", the doctor said.
"I'm going to need a sемеn, urinе and a fесаl sample".
After she hung up the husband asked, "What did the doctor say?"
"He needs a pair of your underwear".

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Marriage and Family Jokes Gross Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Drug Jokes

The phone rings at Federal Drug Enforcement Agency headquarters.
"Hello?"
"Hello, is this the Federal Drug Enforcement Agency?"
"Yes. What can we do for you?"
"I’m calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding сосаinе in his firewood."
"Thank you, this will be noted."
Next day, the Drug Enforcement agents come over to Tom’s house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no сосаinе, swear at Tom and leave.
The phone rings at Tom’s house.
"Hey, Tom! Did the Federal Drug Enforcement guys come by?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood for you?"
"Yeah, they did."
"Okay, now it’s YOUR turn to call. I need my garden plowed."

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Drug Jokes Police Officer Jokes Phone jokes

Q: What do you call Harrison Ford when he smokes wееd?
A: Han So-high

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Weed Jokes Celebrity and Pop Culture Jokes Drug Jokes

Have you heard about the new "Mint flavored birth control pill" for women that they take immediately before sеx?
They're called "Predickamints".

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Drug Jokes Jokes about Women Sex Jokes One-Liner Jokes

I wish my grades would smoke wееd too so we could both get higher.

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Weed Jokes School Jokes Drug Jokes

Q: Why don't you see any рот heads in elementary school?
A: Because they're all in high school

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School Jokes Drug Jokes

Yo mama so dumb, she thought seaweed was something that fish smoked.

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Yo Momma Jokes Animal Jokes Drug Jokes Stupid Jokes

Two old ladies were outside smoking one day when it started to rain.
One of the ladies took out a соndом, cut off the tip, and put it over her cigarette.
The other lady said, 'Hey, that's a good idea.
What's that called?'
The lady responded, 'It's a соndом.'
The other lady said, 'Where can you get one of those?'
She said, 'Oh, just about any grocery of drug store.'
So, the next day, the lady went to a local drug store, went up to the cashier, and said, 'I need to get some condoms.'
The cashier looked at her puzzled (because of her age) and said, 'UH, what size?'
The lady responded, 'Hmm, one that would fit a camel.'

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Drug Jokes Animal Jokes Sex Jokes

Q: How long does it take before a pound of wееd goes bad?
A: I don't know! I've never had it longer than an hour!

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Weed Jokes Drug Jokes

The Bible says I'll pay for my sins.
I already do, Escorts, drugs and alcohol don't come free.

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Drug Jokes Money jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bible Jokes

I'm trying to write a joke about overdosing on сосаinе.
But I need a line to end it.

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Drug Jokes

Doctor: "Did you take those pills I gave you to improve your memory?"
Patient: "What pills?"

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Drug Jokes

Juan was a Mexican man riding his bike to go across the American border. He was holding two bags full of sand on his back. As soon as he got to the border, the guard stopped him and asked what was in the bags.
Juan replies "sand"
The guard told him that they would see about that and took the bags in to inspect them.
He looked through to see if there were drugs, or if they were actually sand, but it was 100 percent sand.
The guard was confused, but knew he had no proof that Juan was doing anything wrong, so he put the sand in new bags, hefted them onto Juan's back and let him cross.
This same thing happened every day for a few months, until one day, 6 months later, Juan didn't come.
After a few weeks, the guard had a day off so he went to a local bar.
He saw Juan sitting on a table on his own drinking вееr, so he went over to him.
"Hey man, I know you're snuggling something in, I just want to know, between you and me, I promise I won't get you into trouble, what are you snuggling?"
Juan looked at him for a second, drank his вееr then said "bicycles".

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Mexican jokes Drug Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes American Jokes Beer Jokes

Man: I have no sympathy for a man who is intoxicated all the time.
Fields: A man who's intoxicated all the time doesn't need sympathy

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Drug Jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes