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An elderly man gathered together three of his most trusted friends, a doctor, a lawyer, and a priest. He said to his friends, "Now, I know I can't take it with me when I die but I'd like to try." He handed each of them an envelope each containing $10,000,000 in cash.
"I'd like each of you to throw the envelopes into the grave after they put me in," he said. The three looked at each other and agreed to the elderly man's final wishes. The elderly man soon dies and when he is lowered to his grave, friends throw in the envelope and the elderly man is buried with them. On the way back to the cars the doctor says,
"I have a confession. I was thinking last night about the children's recovery program I'm getting off the ground and $10,000,000 would have been a great start to the program's funding. I figured I would put the money to good use rather than have it buried 6 feet underground."
The lawyer went nuts telling him that going against the elderly man's will is a huge сriме. Then the priest also confessed, "I also thought I'd put the money to good use. The mission’s fund the church is trying to put together has received little contribution. $10,000,000 would be a huge boost to the fund." The lawyer was absolutely outraged talking about how they could both end up in jail.
He said,
"You should've done what I did. The money he gave me is being kept in my safe at home. I wrote a check for $10,000,000 and put that in the envelope and that's what is in the grave!"
*Just one peanut butter and jelly sandwich doesn't do it anymore.
*Driving a car doesn't always sound like fun.
*The average 10-year-old doesn't have a clue who Bo and Luke Duke are.
*Being bad is no longer cool.
*You have friends who have kids.
*Saturday mornings are for sleeping.
*You are taller than the slide at the McDonald's Playland.
*Your parents' jokes are now funny.
*You once said,
"What-chu talkin'
'bout Willis?" or "Know whatta mean, Vern?"
*You have owned, and since disowned, Michael Jackson's "Thriller."
*You would rather wear your dirтy clothes again, cuz mom is not there to do your laundry anymore.
*Naps are good.
*You once deemed Space Invaders as "The best game ever."
*When things go wrong, you can't just yell, "Do-over!"
*You actually buy scarves, gloves, and sunscreen.
*You leave concerts and ballgames early to beat the crowd.
*You want clothes for Christmas.
*You don't want a Camaro because of the insurance premiums.
*You look in the surveillance camera monitor at the convenience store, wonder who that guy is standing at the counter with the bald spot, and then realize it's a shot of you from behind.
Poo like a man, or woman ???
Like a Man
1. Select reading material
2. Tell everyone along the way, “Just going for a dump, okay?” Always tell girlfriend/wife, especially when she has visitors.
3. Pull pants and trousers around ankles, then sit down.
4. Adjust реnis and testicles to hang comfortably without touching the toilet rim.
5. Open reading material and relax.
6. Whilst waiting, it is traditional to audibly fаrт.
7. Sigh loudly as the first one bullets out. It is quite normal to experience a cold jet of water rocket up your аnus as a result of the first bomb. This is to be endured if you want to be a real man.
8. Remain sitting and reading until pins-and-needles set in to your legs and buttocks.
9. Rise and look at the poo. Make mental notes of irregularities to report to friends and girlfriend/wife, e. G. colour, consistency, any visible traces of peanuts etc. You must tell people about it.
10. Take long length of paper and wipe аnus. You must look at the paper before throwing it into the pan.
11. Repeat step 10 until there is no longer any evidence of faeces on the paper.
12. Flush. If there is any residue left on the pan, under no circumstances attempt to clean it off. In due course, it will come away by itself. Or, when your girlfriend/wife next uses the loo.
13. Leave the seat up. Leave the reading material on the floor (you can use it again later).
14. Wash your hands once.
15. Vacate the bathroom, leaving the door open. It is important to a man’s self-esteem that other people smell his produce.
Like a Woman
1. Under no circumstances use any other toilet than your own, regardless of any stomach pain that may be caused whilst waiting to get home.
2. With the toilet-brush, clean any residue left on the pan by your boyfriend/husband. Also wipe his рuвiс hair off the seat with some toilet paper.
3. Flush the toilet before starting. Then wash your hands.
4. Line the toilet seat with toilet paper (as other people may have sat on the toilet since it was last bleached).
5. Stuff toilet paper inside the pan to prevent splash-back.
6. Pull раnтiеs down and sit. Some women may still prefer to squat over the seat as opposed to taking the risk of touching it with bare flesh.
7. Release solids, but strain to avoid making any sounds.
8. Rise and quickly flush before direct eye-contact is made with any faeces.
9. Take a length of toilet paper and fold it several times to positively guarantee that no residue will touch bare skin (about five or six applications per roll).
10. Wipe once and throw paper into the pan. Do not look at the paper.
11. Repeat steps 9 and 10 at least thirty times. It may be necessary to yell for your boyfriend/husband to find some more rolls to pass through the door while promising not to open his eyes or pass any comments. It is traditional to do this while he is trying to watch sport.
12. Flush the toilet and replace the lid.
13. Wash hands at least three times with disinfectant soap.
14. Open all windows and spray approximately half-a-can of air freshener.
15. Pick up all reading material left behind by your boyfriend/husband and leave bathroom, closing the door firmly behind you.
A Navy man and an Army man are driving opposite directions on a curvy mountain road. The army man hits a patch of sand, swerves, and nails the Navy man's truck. They both exit their cars with no injuries, but their vehicles are ruined.
Now, the rivalry between Army and Navy is well known, so needless to say a heated argument followed. Then suddenly the Navy man changed heart and said,
"Hold on, this is dumb. It was an accident. Let's put this rivalry behind us."
The Army man agreed this was a good idea. So the Navy man offered, "Why don't we celebrate our new friendship over a fifth of vоdка? I have a bottle in the truck."
The Army man thought this was an excellent idea. So the Navy man, being a gentleman, offered the Army man the first drink, and told the Army man to drink as much as he wanted. Soon half the bottle was gone and he offered the bottle back to the Navy man who said,
"Thanks, but I'll wait till after the cops get here!"
75 year old rings her local hospital:
‘Hello I’d like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree. She was admitted last week with chest pains and I just want to know if her condition has deteriorated, stabilised, or improved?’
‘Do you know which ward she is in?’
‘Yes, ward P, room 2B’
‘I’ll just put you through to the nurse station.’
‘Hello, ward P, how can I help?’
‘I’d just like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree, I was wondering if her condition had deteriorated, stabilised or improved?’
‘I’ll just check her notes…
I’m pleased to say that Mrs Tiptree’s condition has improved. She has regained her appetite, her temperature has steadied and after some routine checks tonight, she should be well enough to go home tomorrow.’
‘Oh that’s wonderful news, I’m so happy; thank you ever so much!’
‘You seem very relieved. Are you a close friend or relative?’
‘No, I’m Mrs Tiptree in room 2B. Nobody tells you fuск all in here.’
A priest, a doctor and a lawyer are stuck behind a particularly slow groups of golfers. After three holes, they complain to the club secretary.
“Sorry, chaps, that’s a group of blind firemen,” he explains, “they lost their sight saving our clubhouse from burning down last year, so we let them play here for free any time they want.”
“That’s so sad,” says the priest, “I’ll say a prayer for them tonight.”
“Good idea,” says the doctor, “I’ll contact my ophthalmologist friend and see if there’s anything he can do.”
“That’s all very well,” says the lawyer, “but why can’t they play at night?”
I have this friend. His name is Sam Katz.
One day he bragged to me that, "Everyone knows Sam Katz!"
I said,
"You don't know the president of the United States." He said , "Let's go to the White House and I'll prove it."
So we went to the White House and Barack Obama greeted him and said to him, "Hey Sam Katz! How are you doing?"
After all the greetings I said,
"You don't know Queen Elizabeth."
He said,
"Let's go to Buckingham Palace and I'll prove it."
So we go there and the Queen says "Sam Katz, so good to see you again!"
After the greetings I said to him, "Okay. One last person, you don't know the pope."
He said,
"Let's go to the Vatican and you wait outside and we'll come outside by the window and wave to you."
So that's exactly what we do. The next thing I do is faint.
My friend asked me, "What happened to you? I tell him, "It was one thing when you knew the president. It was another thing when you knew the queen. But when you came out with the pope by the window, and the guy next to me asked,
"Who's the guy with Sam Katz?" I completely lost it.