God - Page 26

The Patels were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Patel kissed his wife goodbye and said, ‘Well, I’m off now. The man should be here soon.’
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. ‘Good morning, Ma’am’, he said, ‘I’ve come to…’
‘Oh, no need to explain,’ Mrs. Patel cut in, embarrassed, ‘I’ve been expecting you.’
‘Have you really?’ said the photographer. ‘Well, that’s good. Did you know babies are my specialty?’
‘Well that’s what my husband and I had hoped Please come in and have a seat !.
After a moment she asked, blushing, ‘Well, where do we start?’
‘Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.’
‘Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work out for Samama and me!’
‘Well, Ma’am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results.’
‘My, that’s a lot!’, gasped Mrs. Patel.
‘Ma’am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I’d love to be In and out in five minutes, but I’m sure you’d be disappointed with that.’
‘Don’t I know it,’ said Mrs. Patel quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. ‘This was done on the top of a bus,’ he said.
‘Oh, my God!’ Mrs. Patel exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
‘And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.’
‘She was difficult?’ asked Mrs. Patel.
‘Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look’
‘Four and five deep?’ said Mrs. Patel, her eyes wide with amazement.
‘Yes’, the photographer replied. ‘And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.’
Mrs. Patel leaned forward. ‘Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh…equipment? ‘
‘It’s true, Ma’am, yes.. Well, if you’re ready, I’ll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.’
‘Tripod?’
‘Oh yes, Ma’am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too big to be held in the hand very long.’
Mrs. Patel fainted

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Вееr is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. Benjamin Franklin.

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God Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Beer Jokes

While taxiing at London Gatwick, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming, "US Air 2771, where the hеll are you going! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between 'C' and 'D', but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically, "God! Now you've sсrеwеd everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out in Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking, "Wasn't I married to you once?"

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This dude goes to a Halloween costume party wearing only blue jeans; no shirt or shoes.
The host asks him, “What are you supposed to be?”
The guy says, “I’m a premature еjасulатiоn.”
“How in God’s name are you dressed as that?!”
“Because I just came in my pants.”

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God Jokes Halloween Jokes

After a long time two friends met, happy to see each other.
One of them, chewing on something big, asked his friend how was he and what was new in his life.
After the friend told his story, he asked the same question to the friend who was chewing something.
"So, what’s up man?"
"It’s a shiттy period, there is nothing that works in my life and I feel really bad."
"What is going on?!
"Last Saturday I went to Las Vegas. You know that from time, to time I’m going there to play at casino, three or four times a year. I took with me thousand dollars and I put the other hundred in my driving license that I left in the car. For the safety reasons, you know, if it goes really bad at casino, I must have the money to pay highway and go back home. And so I walked in casino, I bought the сhiрs and found an empty seat on a roulette table, next to a beautiful woman, about forty years old with a very provocative neckline. I made my first bet on 32, the number of my house, aiming 10 dollars."
"How did it go?"
The guy continues to tell his story, without stopping to chew something.
"Released! I felt all the winning streak and I bet again on 32 and it’s released again. I was winning almost 13 000 dollars and the adrenaline was at maximum. I felt like I was the God and around the table came so many people to congratulated me and I bet more than 10 thousand dollars on 23."
"And it went out again?"
"No! This time came out a вlооdy 13. Do you realize that I had the bad luck? I had in my hands a lot of money and if 32 came out I was settled for a life time. But the horrid number 13 ruined my evening and the hole week after."
"I understand you very well. It ‘s really to eat the ваlls."
The other friend, continuing to chew louder:
"What do you think I’m doing?"

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Why can't Jesus eat M&Ms?
They keep falling through the holes in his hands.

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Gross Jokes God Jokes

Lenin dies and goes to Sаinт Peter to tell him whether to go to hеll or heaven.
There was a big problem among the saints because the half of them wanted him to hеll and the other half in Paradise.
Then they asked God, who of course tells them to go to Неll.
After a week of being in hеll, devil visited St. Peter and complained:
"This Lenin will destroy me. One week in Неll only and he has already started their courses and demonstrations."
St. Peter much forced agrees to accept Lenin in Paradise.
From that day and then there was a disturbing silence.
After two months St. Peter goes to heaven and he sees what?
Everyone sitting around and Lenin standing in the middle and talking.
Among the distinguished listeners the Sаinт recognises Jesus Сhrisт.
He calls him and says:
"God will punish you"
And he answers:
"Who? God? But God does not exist."

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Celebrity and Pop Culture Jokes God Jokes Heaven And Hell Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

A policeman knocked on my door in the early hours.
“Oh my God, what is it? My daughter is late home. Oh God, no. Please, no.”
He said, “I’m sorry sir, there’s been a terrible accident.”
Sobbing, I asked, “What is it?”
“We’ve knocked on the wrong door.”

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God Jokes Police Officer Jokes Masturbation jokes

That's just what we need because humans haven't made up enough reasons to hate one another. Along with race, nationality, gender, sеxuаl preference, religious or cultural differences -- now, if you're born in June, you're a рriск.

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Religion jokes Nationality Jokes God Jokes

*Puts down phone* OH MY GOD I HAVE ANOTHER HAND!

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God Jokes Programmer Jokes

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
Beauty is in the eye of the вееr holder.
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
I'm not a complete idiот. Some parts are missing.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning
Medicine.
God must love sтuрid people; He made so many.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
Procrastinate Now!
I have a degree in liberal arts; do you want fries with that?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three
Thousand times the memory.
Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime
Commitment for a pig.
The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.
Make your words sweet & tender today, for tomorrow you
May have to eat them.

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Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes God Jokes Beer Jokes

Daughter: Mom,does God go to bathroom?
Mom: Why? my child..
Daughter: Today in the morning I heard papa said,
"Please God let me go to the bathroom..."

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God Jokes

A man was granted two wishes by God.
He asked for the best drink and the best woman ever.
He got mineral water and Mother Teresa.

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There was an old man named Bill, and one of the things he most enjoyed was playing golf with his old buddy Fred.
Bill's wife always commented on how happy he looked after a game.
But one day he came home from their weekly game looking terrible and very tired.
His wife asked,
"What's the matter, Bill?
You always seem so happy after golf and you look miserable right now."
Bill said,
"Well, something terrible happened.
Fred had a heart attack on the first hole."
"My God, honey!" said the wife, rushing to comfort him.
"That must've been terrible!"
"It was," he said.
"All day long it was: hit the ball, drag Fred to the ball, and then hit it again..."

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Your mama is so black when God saw her he said "Oh man I burnt one again."

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Steven Hawking said there is no God,
Then God said there is no Steven Hawking

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God Jokes

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said:
- ” Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see?"
Watson said,
"I see millions and millions of stars."
Holmes:
"And what does that tell you?"
Watson:
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorogically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes:
"Somebody stole our tent."

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God Jokes Sherlock Holmes Jokes

God is one of Chuck Norris's creation.

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God Jokes Chuck Norris Jokes

A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident.
Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.
"My God!" the trooper gasped.
"Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant.
Are you OK ma'am?"
"Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began.
I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me.
So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree!
I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree!
I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...."
"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles.
That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."

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Office and Work Jokes God Jokes Blonde Jokes

A deer hunter who was an atheist was out in the woods when suddenly a 1,000-pound deer stepped out.
"Good God!" exclaimed the hunter.
Suddenly, a voice from Heaven said,
"I thought you don't believe in me."
The hunter replied, "Up until now I didn't believe in 1,000-pound deer either."

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