Jokes about Diets and Weight Loss

I'm on a seafood diet.
When I see food, I eat it.

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I am gonna lose weight.
I'm gonna exercise everyday.
I'm gonna go on a diet and stick to it ...
Is that a cake?

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Food Jokes Diet and Weight Loss Jokes

There guy goes to a weight loss clinic and says he needs to lose 20 lbs.
The receptionist sends him upstairs, where he finds a beautiful nакеd woman with a sign that says "If you catch me, you can sсrеw me."
An hour later, he emerges, sated and 20 lbs. lighter.
A month later, he returns and needs to lose 50 lbs.
The receptionist sends him upstairs again, but this time there are two girls with the same sign.
A day later, he comes out 50 lbs. lighter.
A year later, he returns and needs to lose 100 lbs.
He gets sent upstairs again, where he finds a huge gorilla with a sign that reads "If I catch you, I sсrеw you."

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Dirty jokes Jokes about Women Diet and Weight Loss Jokes

A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.
“The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is awful.
Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realises the germs in our drinking water.
But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all eat it.
Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I’m referring to?”
“You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea.”
The man lowered his head and said, “Wedding cake.”

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Marriage and Family Jokes Food Jokes Men jokes Diet and Weight Loss Jokes

Dad: Can you go get me a drink?
Kid: Cola or Pepsi?
Dad: Cola.
Kid: Normal or dietary?
Dad: Normal.
Kid: Bottle or Can?
Dad: Bottle! /:
Kid: 1L or 0.5L?
Dad: Sсrеw it, just buy me a water!
Kid: Normal or carbonated?
Dad: NORMAL!
Kid: Warm or cold?
Dad: Get out! Kid: Now or later?
Dad: I'm going to кill you !
Kid: Knife or gun?
Dad: Gun!
Kid: In the head or body?
Dad: EFF THIS!

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School Jokes Kids Jokes Insult Jokes Dad Jokes Diet and Weight Loss Jokes

If you had to decide between a diet and a piece of chocolate, would you prefer dark, white or milk chocolate?

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Diet and Weight Loss Jokes

My wife and I have been married for quite a few years and my wife asked me recently to get some pills that would make sure I’d be up to some action in the bedroom again.
I brought home diet pills. Apparently very much not what she meant.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Diet and Weight Loss Jokes

I have a condition which prevents me from going on a diet.
It's called HUNGER

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Jokes about Women Diet and Weight Loss Jokes

Did you hear about the blonde and the weight loss video?
She threw it away because the people in the video weren't losing weight either!

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Blonde Jokes Diet and Weight Loss Jokes

Never trust a dog to watch your food.
- Patrick, age 10 When your dad is mad and asks you, Do I look sтuрid? don't answer him.
-Michael, 14 Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
- Michael, 14 Stay away from prunes.
-Rаndy, 9 Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment.
-Traci, 14 Puppies still have bad breath, even after eating a tic tac.
- Andrew, 9 Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.
- Kyoyo, 9 You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
- Armir, 9 If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.
- Naomi, 15 Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick.
-Lauren, 9 Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.
- Joel, 10 Never try to baptize a cat.
-Eileen, 8 '

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Kids Jokes School Jokes Dog jokes Diet and Weight Loss Jokes

Q: Why did the blonde snort Sweet'N Low?
A: She thought it was Diet Coke.

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Men vs Women Jokes Food Jokes Blonde Jokes One-Liner Jokes Diet and Weight Loss Jokes

What's the difference between a person trying to lose weight and a virgin?
One is trying to diet and the other is dying to try it.

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Men vs Women Jokes Diet and Weight Loss Jokes

Q: What's the difference between a fат person and a virgin?
A: A fат person is trying to diet, and a virgin is dying to try it.

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Men vs Women Jokes Diet and Weight Loss Jokes

A doctor tells a group of patients, "The material we put into our stomachs is terrible.
Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High-fат diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" An old man raises his hand and says, "Wedding cake."

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Men vs Women Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Diet and Weight Loss Jokes

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News and Politics Jokes Banker Jokes Dog jokes Diet and Weight Loss Jokes

He said what he did was take all of his clothes off, and he stood nакеd in front of the mirror.
I said, 'That's a dамn good diet.' I think I could lose weight, too, if I saw Barry White nакеd, huh? Like, 'You hungry?' 'No man, I just saw Barry White nакеd. I don't want nothin'.'

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Celebrity and Pop Culture Jokes Diet and Weight Loss Jokes

Signs You're No Longer in College...
- You no longer know what time fast food drive-thru windows close.
- Your potted plants stay alive.
- You pay at least a dollar more than the minimum payment on your credit card bill.
- Your friends' hook-ups and break-ups are now marriages and divorces.
- You attend parties that the police don't raid.
- You're not expected to leave the room when the adults are talking.
- You refer to college students as "those kids."
- You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of just вееr, вееr and вееr.
- You feed your dog Science Diet instead of leftover pizza.
- At 6 a.m., you're putting your contact lens in instead of taking them out.
- Naps are no longer weekday options.
- Dating involves dinner and a movie, not keggers and Ecstasy.
- Grocery lists contain more than toilet paper and potato сhiрs.
- You leave parties because you have a busy day tomorrow, not because the EMS guy has strapped you down.

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School Jokes Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Food Jokes Divorce Jokes College jokes Beer Jokes Dog jokes Diet and Weight Loss Jokes

For a couple years I've been blaming it on iron poor blood, lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies. Now I found out the real reason. I'm tired because I'm overworked.
The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work.
Of this, there are 29 million employed by the federal government.
This leaves 19 million to do the work.
Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.
There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me . . . and you're sitting there reading jokes.

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Office and Work Jokes School Jokes Diet and Weight Loss Jokes

A man who was having heart trouble went to the doctor to see what his options were. Naturally, the doctor recommended a heart transplant. The man reluctantly agreed, and asked if there were any hearts immediately available, considering that money was no object.
"I do have three hearts," said the doctor. "The first is from an 18-year old kid, non-smoker, athletic, swimmer, with a great diet. He hit his head on the swimming pool and died. It's $100,000. The second is from a marathon runner, 25 years old, great condition, very strong. He got hit by a bus. It's $150,000. The third is from a heavy drinker, cigar smoker, steak lover. It's $500,000."
"Hey, why is that heart so expensive? He lived a terrible life!"
"Yes, but it's from a laywer. It's never been used."

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Office and Work Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Lawyer Jokes Diet and Weight Loss Jokes

Yo' Mama is so nasty, simply bathing is part of her weight loss program.

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Yo Momma Jokes Insult Jokes Diet and Weight Loss Jokes