Jokes about Diets and Weight Loss

I'm on a seafood diet.
When I see food, I eat it.

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A man who was having heart trouble went to the doctor to see what his options were. Naturally, the doctor recommended a heart transplant. The man reluctantly agreed, and asked if there were any hearts immediately available, considering that money was no object.
"I do have three hearts," said the doctor. "The first is from an 18-year old kid, non-smoker, athletic, swimmer, with a great diet. He hit his head on the swimming pool and died. It's $100,000. The second is from a marathon runner, 25 years old, great condition, very strong. He got hit by a bus. It's $150,000. The third is from a heavy drinker, cigar smoker, steak lover. It's $500,000."
"Hey, why is that heart so expensive? He lived a terrible life!"
"Yes, but it's from a laywer. It's never been used."

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Office and Work Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Lawyer Jokes Diet and Weight Loss Jokes

Me: I just burned 2000 calories in 20 minutes.
Friend: How?
Me: I forgot to take my brownies out of the oven.

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Food Jokes Friendship Jokes Diet and Weight Loss Jokes

Thank you for calling the Weight Loss Hotline.
If you'd like to lose a half pound right now, press "1" 18,000 times.

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Fitness jokes Phone jokes Diet and Weight Loss Jokes

Three blondes were having a picnic in the park. One of the took out a can of "one-calorie" diet cola and poured it equally into three cups.
She drank hers and the second one did the same but the third blonde just stared at her cup suspiciously.
"I wonder who got the calorie?" she asked.

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Blonde Jokes Diet and Weight Loss Jokes

Q: Why did the blonde snort Sweet'N Low?
A: She thought it was Diet Coke.

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Men vs Women Jokes Food Jokes Blonde Jokes One-Liner Jokes Diet and Weight Loss Jokes

A sexology professor announced that if any man over 50 eats 2 or 3 dates with a raw garlic clove he never fails in sеx problems.
This prescription makes his diск strong and heathy.
There is only one side effect.
That diet causes he blows many farts daily!

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Gross Jokes Dirty jokes Sex Jokes Dating Jokes Fart Jokes Diet and Weight Loss Jokes

Signs You're No Longer in College...
- You no longer know what time fast food drive-thru windows close.
- Your potted plants stay alive.
- You pay at least a dollar more than the minimum payment on your credit card bill.
- Your friends' hook-ups and break-ups are now marriages and divorces.
- You attend parties that the police don't raid.
- You're not expected to leave the room when the adults are talking.
- You refer to college students as "those kids."
- You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of just вееr, вееr and вееr.
- You feed your dog Science Diet instead of leftover pizza.
- At 6 a.m., you're putting your contact lens in instead of taking them out.
- Naps are no longer weekday options.
- Dating involves dinner and a movie, not keggers and Ecstasy.
- Grocery lists contain more than toilet paper and potato сhiрs.
- You leave parties because you have a busy day tomorrow, not because the EMS guy has strapped you down.

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School Jokes Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Food Jokes Divorce Jokes College jokes Dog jokes Beer Jokes Diet and Weight Loss Jokes

What is the worst thing about sеx with a blond?
A: Bucket seats.
Q: What do Blondes say after sеx?
A1: Thanks Guys.
A2: Are you boys all in the same band?
A3: Do you guys all play for the Swans?
Q: What important question does a blonde ask his/her mate before having sеx?
A: Do you want this by the hour, or the flat rate?
Q: Why do blonde girls have trouble achieving оrgаsм?
A: *Who cares?*
Q: Why do blonds have оrgаsмs ?
A: So they know when to stop having sеx !
Q: How do you tell when a blonde reaches оrgаsм?
A1: She drops her nail-file!
A2: Who cares?
A3: She say 'Next'
A4: The next person in the queue taps you on the shoulder
A5: He's had his clothes for about 2 minutes
A6: I mean, who really cares? A7: The batteries have run out.
Q: What does a blonde say when you вlоw in their ear?
A:"Thanks for the refill!"
Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blond's ear?
A: Data transfer.
Q: Why do blondes have more fun?
A: Because they don't know any better.
Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1:
"What's a lightbulb?"
A2: One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
A3: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!"

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Blonde Jokes Diet and Weight Loss Jokes

Mrs. Jones goes to the doctor for a full medical.
After an hour or so, the doctor looks at Mrs. Jones and says the following: "Mrs. Jones, overall you are very healthy for a 45 year old. There is however, only one problem. You are 40 pounds overweight and bordering on obese. I would strongly suggest that you diet now to save any complications in later years."
She looks sternly at him and says, "I demand a second opinion".
"OK," he says, "you're fuскing ugly as well!"

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Diet and Weight Loss Jokes

There was a beautiful young blonde at a soda machine in Vegas, and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst.
She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a short while, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke. She placed it on a counter next to the machine.
Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change.
She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew. She placed them both on the counter next to the Diet Coke.
As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man, who'd been waiting patiently for several minutes by then, spoke up. "Excuse me, miss, but are you done yet?"
She looked at him and indignantly asked,
"Well Duh! Can't you see I'm still winning?"

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Blonde Jokes Diet and Weight Loss Jokes

Q: Why do ghosts go on diets?
A: So they can keep their ghoulish figures Q: What does a panda ghost eat?
A: Bam-BOO! Q: Why don’t mummies take time off?
A: They’re afraid to unwind. Q: Why did the zombie skip school?
A: He felt rotten. Q: What is a vampire’s favorite fruit?
A: A blood orange. Q: Where do baby ghosts go during the day?
A: Dayscare centers! Q: Why did the headless horseman go into business?
A: He wanted to get ahead in life. Q: What kind of music do mummies like listening to on Halloween?
A: Wrap music. Q: Why don’t mummies have friends?
A: Because they’re too wrapped up in themselves. Q: Why did the vampire read the newspaper?
A: He heard it had great circulation. Q: What’s it like to be kissed by a vampire?
A: It’s a pain in the neck. Q: What’s it called when a vampire has trouble with his house?
A: A grave problem. Q: What do you call a cleaning skeleton?
A: The grim sweeper. Q: Q: Why did the vampire need mouthwash?
A: Because he had bat breath. Q: What do you call a witch’s garage?
A: A broom closet. Q: What kind of food would you find on a haunted beach?
A: A sand-witch! Q: What's a witch's favorite makeup?
A: Ma-scare-a. Q: Who helps the little pumpkins cross the road safely?
A: The crossing gourd. Q: What treat do eye doctors give out on Halloween?
A: Candy corneas. Q: What type of plants do well on all Hallow’s Eve?
A: Bam-BOO! Q: Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating?
A: Because they have no-body to go with.

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School Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes One-Liner Jokes Halloween Jokes Vampire jokes Diet and Weight Loss Jokes

I was reading about this new diet where youre not allowed to drink alcohol. Well, I read the first sentence at least.

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One-Liner Jokes Diet and Weight Loss Jokes

A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.
“The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is awful.
Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realises the germs in our drinking water.
But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all eat it.
Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I’m referring to?”
“You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea.”
The man lowered his head and said, “Wedding cake.”

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Marriage and Family Jokes Food Jokes Men jokes Diet and Weight Loss Jokes

It is once again time to vote for-the Darwin Award nominees for 1997. As you may already know, the Darwin Awards are for those nominees who will not be contributing to the gene pool (thankfully).
The 1997 nominees are:
NOMINEE No.1: [San Jose Mercury News] An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.
NOMINEE No.2 [Kalamazoo Gazette] James Burns, 34, of Alamo,Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to repair what. police described as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Bums hung underneath so that he could asthe source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft."
NOMINEE No.3 [Hickory Daily Record] Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, N.C., when, awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson. 38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.
NOMINEE No.4 [UIPI, Toronto] Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto Skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously had conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawyers, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association.
NOMINEE No.5 [Bloomburg News Service] A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body but autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage(and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have been fatal. But the man was shut, up in his, near airtight bedroom. According to the article, "He was a big man with a huge capacity for creating "this deadly gas." Three of the rescuers got sick and one was hospitalized.
NOMINEE No..6 [The News of the Weird.] Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on a мurdеr conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. Whilst sitting on a metal toilet in his cell and attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.
NOMINEE NO.7["The. Indianapolis Star"] A cigarette lighter may have triggered fatal explosion - Dunkirk, Indiana. A Jay County man using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle loader was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriffs investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home about 11:30 p.m. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzle loader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.
NOMINEE No.8 lAP, St. Louis] Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it in his mouth, and walked out without paying for it. Police found him unconscious in front of the store; paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat, where it had choked him to death.
NOMINEE No.9 [Unknown] To poacher Marino Malerba, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock-and was killed instantly when it fell on him.
NOMINEE No.10 [Associated Press, Kincaid] Blasting Cap Explodes in Man's Mouth at Party. A man at a party popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth, and tougue state police said Wednesday. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during a party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D.Payne. Another man had it in an aquarium hooked to a battery, and was trying to explode it," Payne said. "It wouldn't go off and this guy said, 'I'II show you how to set it off."
Yet Another Darwin award candidate - or pair of candidates -- this just might be the winner!

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School Jokes Cowboys and Indians Jokes Banker Jokes Lawyer Jokes Monday jokes Friday jokes Diet and Weight Loss Jokes

A man wakes up and finds himself in a hospital room, one with only himself in it. He has no recollection of how he got there.
While pondering it, his bedside phone rings, and he answers it.
A doctor on the other end identifies himself, and tells the man: "I have really bad news. You're very sick. After your collapse yesterday, we ordered several tests, and got the results back this morning. I'm afraid you have Avain flu, Ebola, and you're positive for НIV and hepatitis."
Stunned, the man asks "Well, what's next!? What are you going to do?"
The doc replies: "Well, for starters, we're putting you on a strict diet of only pizza."
The patient asks: "Will that really help me, doctor?"
"No", the doc responds. "But it's all we can fit under the door."

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News and Politics Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Men jokes Diet and Weight Loss Jokes

"What do you call Santa’s most impolite reindeer?"
"Rude-olph."
"What street in France do reindeer live on?"
"Rue Dolph."
"How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh and reindeer?"
"Nothing, it’s on the house!"
"What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa when she looked up in the sky?"
"Looks like rein, deer!"
"Why doesn’t Santa use reindeer milk in his coffee?"
"He’s on a non-deery diet."
"What kind of money do reindeer use?"
"Bucks!"

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Christmas Jokes Coffee Jokes Diet and Weight Loss Jokes

There guy goes to a weight loss clinic and says he needs to lose 20 lbs.
The receptionist sends him upstairs, where he finds a beautiful nакеd woman with a sign that says "If you catch me, you can sсrеw me."
An hour later, he emerges, sated and 20 lbs. lighter.
A month later, he returns and needs to lose 50 lbs.
The receptionist sends him upstairs again, but this time there are two girls with the same sign.
A day later, he comes out 50 lbs. lighter.
A year later, he returns and needs to lose 100 lbs.
He gets sent upstairs again, where he finds a huge gorilla with a sign that reads "If I catch you, I sсrеw you."

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Jokes about Women Dirty jokes Diet and Weight Loss Jokes

A fат lady (To a health expert): "Give me some advice that can reduce my fatness."
Health expert: "Okay. You must move your head to the right and the left at a particular time."
Fat lady: "At which particular time?"
Health expert: "Whenever anybody asks you to eat."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Fat Jokes Diet and Weight Loss Jokes

It's not the dress that makes you look fат.
It's the fат.

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Fat Jokes Life Jokes Diet and Weight Loss Jokes