Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes

Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, "That's really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet names." Morris hung his head and whispered, "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name three years ago!"

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Signs you've had too much of the '90s Part I
1. You try to enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played patience with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail your work colleague at the desk next to you to ask, "Do you fancy going down the pub?" and they reply, "Yeah, give me five minutes".
5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South America, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.
6. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date.
7. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
8. You consider regular mail painfully slow or call it "snail mail".
9. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.
10. You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.
11. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
12. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally insert a 0 to get an outside line.
13. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
14. Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro.
15. Your CV is on a diskette in your pocket.
16. You really get excited about a 1.7% pay rise.
17. You learn about your redundancy on the 6 o'clock news.
18. Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose all your best jokes.
19. Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.
20. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.

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Office and Work Jokes News and Politics Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Computer Jokes USA Jokes Friendship Jokes Boss Jokes

I married my wife for her money.
And believe me, I’ve earned it.

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Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes

My wife and I found each other on a dating website, 3 years after we got married… That was awkward.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Internet Jokes

After 30 years of marriage Jane as all women do started nagging to John her husband that he does not love her anymore and told him John why don't you go to get some advice from our friend the Bishop so you will love me more. Well John thought if I go to the Bishop I will drink some of his good wine and went.
When he came back he saw his wife at door, then he went up to her and lifted her and carried her from one room to other. She was really pleased with this gesture and asked What did Bishop tell you.
Well he told me go and carry your Cross and wonder who is my cross?

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Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Friendship Jokes Wine jokes

A wife returns late at night back home.
"Where have you been?" asks her husband.
"With a friend. But don't worry, there were no men."
One day later the husband returns back home late.
"Don't worry; I was also with a friend. And there were no men either…"

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Friendship Jokes

A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed.
In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs.
She went downstairs and looked around, still not finding her husband.
Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning.
She went down to the basement to find her husband, crouched in the corner facing the wall, sobbing.
"What's wrong with you?" she asked him.
"Remember when your father caught us together when you were 16?" he replied.
"And remember, he said, I had two choices - I could either marry you, or spend the next 20 years in prison."
Baffled, she said,
"Yes, I remember. So?"
"I would have gotten out today."

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Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes

A blonde calls her husband at work one day and asks him, "Can you help me when you get home?"
"Sure," he replies. "What's the problem?"
"Well, I started a really hard puzzle and I can't even find the edge pieces."
"Look on the box," he said. "There's always a picture of what the puzzle is."
"It's a big rooster," she said.
The husband arrives home and tells his blonde wife, "Okay, put the corn flakes back in the box."

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Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Food Jokes Blonde Jokes

A girl asks her father, " Why does it rain? Is it God sweating or crying?"
" No," says her father, " it rains to make the plants grow. Do you understand?"
" Not exactly," says the girl. " Why does it rain on the sidewalk?"

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Religion jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Kids Jokes God Jokes

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have: the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.

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Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes

I just got an iPhone 7S for my wife ….. ….
…..
I thought that was a good trade

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Marriage and Family Jokes Apple and iPhone Jokes

When I call a family meeting I turn off the house wifi and wait for them all to come running.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Attitude Jokes

“Have you ever noticed that you never get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it’s because all the coats are on the bed.” …
(Thanks, George Carlin)

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Marriage and Family Jokes Thanksgiving Jokes

The secret to a long marriage is that we take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing.
She goes on Tuesdays.
I go on Fridays.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Relationship Jokes Restaurant Jokes

A man calls into the police station and says,
"My wife is missing."
The officer asks, "How long has she been gone?"
"A month."
"Why did you wait so long to report it?"
"Well, until yesterday I thought it was just a dream, then I realized I didn’t have any clean clothes to wear."

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Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Police Officer Jokes

Our family was so poor our Christmas dinner was the leftovers from our last Christmas dinner.

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Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Christmas Jokes

While Bill waited at the airport to board his plane, he noticed a computer scale that would give your weight and a fortune. He dropped a quarter in the slot, and the computer screen displayed:
“You weigh 195 pounds, you are married and you’re on your way to San Diego.” Bill stood there dumbfounded.
Another man put in a quarter and the computer read:
“You weigh 184 pounds, you’re divorced, and you’re on your way to Chicago.” Bill said to the man, “Are you divorced and on our way to Chicago?” “Yes.” Replied the man.
Bill was amazed. Then he rushed to the men’s room, changed his clothes and put on dark
Glasses. He went to the machine again. The computer read:
“You still weigh 195 pounds, you’re still married, and you just missed your plane to San Diego.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Computer Jokes Men jokes Aviation Jokes

Wife:
"There's trouble with car. It has water in the carburetor."
Husband:
"Water in a carburetor? That's ridiculous."
Wife:
"I tell you the cas has water in the carburetor."
Husband:
"You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?"
Wife:
"In the pool."

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Marriage and Family Jokes

Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is."
"Of course I do," he irritatingly answered, going out the door to the office.
At 11 AM, the doorbell rang, and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a bouquet of red roses.
At 2 PM, a two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived.
Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.
The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.
"First the flowers, then the chocolates, and then the dress!" she exclaimed.
"I've never had a more wonderful ‘Independence day' in all my life!"

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Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Food Jokes

Top 10 List of what Moms REALLY want...
10. To be able to eat a whole candy bar (alone) and drink a soda without any floaties, ie... backwash.
9. To have my 14 year-old daughter answer a question without rolling her eyes in that, "Why is this person my mother?" way.
8. Five pounds of chocolate that won't add twenty.
7. A shower without a child peeking through the curtain with a "Hi Ya Mom!" just as I put a razor to my ankle.
6. A full time cleaning person - period!
5. For my teenager to announce, "Hey, Mom! I got a full scholarship and a job all in the same day!"
4. A grocery store that doesn't have candy/gum/toys displayed at the checkout line.
3. To have a family meal without a discussion about воdily secretions.
2. To be able to step on a plane with my toddlers and NOT have someone moan, "Oh no! Why me!"
And #1... Four words: Fisher Price Play Prison

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Marriage and Family Jokes Chocolate Jokes