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A man was driving and saw a truck stalled on the side of the highway that had ten penguins standing next to it. The man pulled over and asked the truck driver if he needed any help. The truck driver replied, "If you can take these penguins to the zoo while I wait for AAA that will be great!" The man agreed and the penguins hopped into the back of his car. Two hours later, the trucker was back on the road again and decided to check on the penguins. He showed up at the zoo and they weren't there! He headed back into his truck and started driving around the town, looking for any sign of the penguins, the man, or his car. While driving past a movie theater, the truck driver spotted the guy walking out with the ten penguins. The truck driver yelled, "What are you doing? You were supposed to take them to the zoo!" The man replied, "I did and then I had some extra money so I took them to go see a movie."
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An old timer was sitting in his rocking chair on his front portch when a kid comes walking by with something in his hands.
The old timer asks the kid, "Hey son. Whatcha got there?"
The kid replies,
"I got me some chicken wire. I'm gonna catch me some chickens."
The old timer responds, "Oh son, you can't catch no chickens with chicken wire."
A short time later the old timer sees the kid come back with a bunch of flapping chickens all caught up in the chicken wire.
"Well, I'll be...'" says the old timer scratching his head.
The next day the kid comes walking past the old timer. This time he has something round and gray in his hands.
The old timer shouts out to the kid, "Hey kid, whatcha got in your hands this time?"
The kid responds, "I got me some duct tape. I'm gonna catch me some ducks."
The old timer laughs, "Son, you can't catch no ducks using duct tape."
A short time later the kid comes back with a bunch of ducks caught-up and quacking in the duct tape."
The old man cannot believe his eyes.
The next day the kid comes walking past the old timer, again with something in hs hands.
The old timer shouts out to the kid, "Hey kid, whatcha got in your hands today?"
The kid shouts back to the old timer, "I got me some рussy willow."
The old timer shouts out, "Hold on son... While I get my hat!"
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Когато ме попитат какво предпочитам - вино или жени, отговарям така: - Тебе вино больше нравится или женщины? - Смотря какой год производства. Francuz do kolegi: - Z czego byś zrezygnował - z wina, czy z kobiet? - Aaaa, to zależy od rocznika. – Og hva foretrekker De som 80-åring i dag? Kvinner eller vin? – Å, unge mann, det kommer helt an på årgangen. "Das Ergebnis ist eindeutig", sagt der Arzt nach der Untersuchung zu dem Herrn in den Fünfzigern. "Ihrem Gesundheitszustand nach müssen Sie eines aufgeben: die Frauen oder den Wein. Was werden sie... В одного француза запитують: — Вам що більше подобається? Вино чи жінки? На що він відповідає: — Це залежить від року випуску. Az orvos megvizsgálja a beteget, majd így szól: - Mondja uram, maga mit szeret jobban? A nőket vagy a bort? - Az az évjárattól függ, doktor úr! — Що ти більше любиш – вино чи жінок? — Це залежить від року виготовлення. "Sag mal Rudi, auf was würdest du eher verzichten: Frauen oder Wein?" - "Nun, kommt ganz auf den Jahrgang an."
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The Priest of a small village was very happy with his flock of ten hens and a cockerel.
He kept them in a hen house behind the parish, but one Saturday night, the cockerel was missing.
The priest, suspecting fowl play decided to say something about it at church the next morning.
At last, he asked the congregation, has anyone got a соск? To which all the men stood up.
“No,no,” he said, some what flustered, “that’s not what I meant. “Has anybody SEEN a соск?” All the women stood up.
“No, no,” he said. “Thats not what I meant either. Has anyone seen a соск that doesn’t belong to them.” Half the women stood up.
“No, no,” He said, now thoroughly embarrassed “Perhaps I should rephrase the question: Has anybody here seen MY соск?” All the choirboys stood up.
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A family doctor is seeing an 80 year old patient for the first time. She tells him, “Since this is your first time here, I’d like to get a little history on you. Who’s been your regular doctor up till now?”
The man says, “I don’t remember saying I’ve ever been to the doctor.”
The doctor is astonished. “What? You’ve never been to a doctor?”
The man says, “Nope. Never needed one before.”
“That’s remarkable,” she says. “But there must be a family doctor somewhere. What about your father when he was alive. Who was the family doctor?”
“I don’t remember saying my father had passed away.”
“Oh, I’m sorry! You’re father’s still alive? He must be at least a hundred.”
“Yep. ‘Bout that. And he’s never been to the doctor either.”
She says, “Well that’s one impressive bloodline you have there. What an amazing family. But there’s got to be a doctor in the history somewhere. What about your grandfather when he was alive? Who was the family doctor?”
“I don’t remember saying my grandfather had passed away.”
“Oh come on now, you must be kidding! Your grandfather is still alive? He’d have to be at least 120!”
“Yep, ‘Bout that. And he’s never been to the doctor either. But I think he’s gonna have to go soon. He’s getting married next week.”
“What?" she says. "Oh now surely you’re joking. Getting married? Imagine being 120 years old and wanting to get married!”
The old man looks at her and says, “I don’t remember saying he WANTED to get married."
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One night a man walks into a bar with a pig.
The bartender says to the man, "That's a great looking pig, but why does he have a wooden leg?"
So the man says,
"Let me tell you about this pig.
He is one special pig.
One night my house was on fire and he dragged me to safety.
Saved my life."
The bartender says.
"Well, that's great. But why does he have a wooden leg?"
The man says,
"Let me tell you about this pig.
He is one special pig.
One time I was out sailing and the boat capsized.
This pig swam me to safety. Saved my life."
The bartender says,
"That's really terrific, but why the wooden leg?"
The man says,
"Let me tell you about this pig.
He is one special pig. Last week during an earthquake my house collapsed and my pig pulled me out. Saved my life."
And finally the bartender says,"Wow, that is one special pig.
He saved you from a fire, an earthquake and from drowning.
But why does he have a wooden leg?"
The man says,
"When you have a pig this special you can't eat all of it at once."
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