Men jokes - Page 120

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed,
Observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror.
Since her birthday was not far off
He asked what she’d like to have for her Birthday.
‘I’d like to be twelve again’, she replied,
Still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops,
And then took her to Alton Towers theme park.
What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park;
The Death Slide, the Corkscrew,
The Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there Was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a Mc Donald’s
Where he ordered her a Happy Meal
With extra fries and a chocolate shake..
Then it was off to the cinema with popcorn,
A huge Cola, and her favourite sweets……M&M’s..
What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband
And collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile
And lovingly asked, ‘Well Dear, what was it like being twelve again?’
Her eyes slowly opened, and her expression suddenly changed.
‘I meant my dress size, you rетаrd!!!!’
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it frucking’ Wrong.

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1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "That's a nice kitty." Drop pill into its mouth.
2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.
3. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.
4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse to get new cat.)
5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in - quickly. Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're doing. That's just as well.
6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.
7. If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good cry.
8. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming position
1, say sternly, "Who's the boss here, anyway?" Open cat's mouth, take pill and... Oops!
9. This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos.
10. Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on floor.
11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.
12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.
13. Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to flatten cat.)
14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man or woman.
15. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.
16. Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done.
17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).
18. Take two aspirins and lie down.
19. Forget aspirin, drink glass of wine and lie down.

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Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes Wine jokes Boss Jokes

I was playing pool with a black man in America today when he had to stretch across the table to рот a ball.
The police barged in to the place and shot him for resisting a rest.

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Men jokes USA Jokes Police Officer Jokes Criminal Jokes

A construction worker comes home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he grabs the guy and drags him nакеd down the stairs to the garage. He grabs the guy’s соск, puts it in a vise, screws it down real tight and removes the handle of the vise. Then he rummages around in a drawer until he finds a hacksaw, which he picks up and displays to the terrified man.
The man, wide-eyed, screams, “Stop! Stop! You’re not going to cut off my diск, are you?”
The husband hands him the hacksaw and says:
“Nope. You are. I’m setting the garage on fire.”

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Office and Work Jokes Men jokes Cheating Jokes

A man is about to enter a meeting at work when he realizes that he forgot some important paperwork. He calls home so that his wife can retrieve them. The maid answers the phone and says that his wife is busy. He demands that the maid put his wife on the phone. The maid informs the man that his wife is in bed with the gardener. The man goes nuts, and offers the maid one million dollars to shoot them both. The maid agrees and he soon hears two gunshots. The maid returns to the phone and he asks her what happened. The maid says she shot his wife in bed and the gardener ran, so she shot him by the pool. The man says,
"Pool??? Is this 555-4320???"

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Office and Work Jokes Men jokes Relationship Jokes

A man and his wife went to bed one night and the man was getting very frisky and asked his wife if she was in the mood.
His wife answered, "Not tonight dear I have a headache."
The man replied, "Is that your final answer"?
She said,
"Yes."
... He said. "Ok, then, I'd like to phone a friend."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Friendship Jokes

My female science teacher was gloating about how scientists have discovered a way to make stem-cells develop into working sемеn.
She was telling our class that the human race no longer needed men.
I laughed at her and said;
“Okay, with no men, where the fuск are you going to get a scientist?”

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Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes School Jokes Men jokes Science jokes

A couple of homosexual men are accidentally rear-ended by a large truck at a stop sign one afternoon.
Furious, the man in the passenger side throws his purse on the seat, steps out of the car, then walks back to the truck and starts ваnging on the door.
The truck driver opens the door and the homosexual, standing there with his hands on his hips, says, “We’re going to sue your аss!”
The truck driver smirks and says, “Вlоw me, buddy!”
The homosexual stands there for a moment thinking, then his eyes get really big and his face lights up.
He runs back to the car and says excitedly to his lover, “You won’t believe this… he wants to settle out of court!”

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Men jokes Gay and Lesbian Jokes

A young woman for whom a marriage with an old man was being arranged by her parents refused to go through with the ceremony because as she put it, " I don't want to feel old age creeping on me!"

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Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Old People Jokes

There is only one award higher than the medal of Honor: The Chuck Norris Medal of Roundhouse.
No mortal man has ever earned it.

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Chuck Norris Jokes Men jokes

A man phoned his doctor saying his wife appeared to have appendicitis.
“That’s impossible,” the physician replied. “She had an appendectomy last year. Have you ever seen anybody with a second appendix?”
“No, аsshоlе,” the husband replied. “Have you ever seen anybody with a second wife?

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes

A man calls technical support for his computer.
(M = Man)
(T = Technical support)
M: Ok, the screen is blue and it says windows has been shut down because an error has been detected.
T: All right, press ctrl alt delete.
M: Now what?
T: Does it say press any key to continue?
M: Yeah, why?
T: Well, lets see, hmm..... PRESS IT!!!!
M: Wait let me find it first.
T: Just Press Any Key!!!
M: i'm trying to find it...!
T: When it says any key it means to press ANY key...
M: Oh wait. I found it he he...
T: What does it say now?
M: Sorry the 'Any' key you have pressed does not exist, please click any key.
T: Well, what are you waiting for?
M: I'm still looking for it.
T: I though you found it?
M: Yeah I did but the 'any' it was spelt 'enee' now its spelt 'any'
T: ..."

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Computer Jokes Men jokes

Give a man a rod and you wont see him all day, because he is fishing
Give him the net and you won't see him for weeks????

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Computer Jokes Men jokes

After a long time two friends met, happy to see each other.
One of them, chewing on something big, asked his friend how was he and what was new in his life.
After the friend told his story, he asked the same question to the friend who was chewing something.
"So, what’s up man?"
"It’s a shiттy period, there is nothing that works in my life and I feel really bad."
"What is going on?!
"Last Saturday I went to Las Vegas. You know that from time, to time I’m going there to play at casino, three or four times a year. I took with me thousand dollars and I put the other hundred in my driving license that I left in the car. For the safety reasons, you know, if it goes really bad at casino, I must have the money to pay highway and go back home. And so I walked in casino, I bought the сhiрs and found an empty seat on a roulette table, next to a beautiful woman, about forty years old with a very provocative neckline. I made my first bet on 32, the number of my house, aiming 10 dollars."
"How did it go?"
The guy continues to tell his story, without stopping to chew something.
"Released! I felt all the winning streak and I bet again on 32 and it’s released again. I was winning almost 13 000 dollars and the adrenaline was at maximum. I felt like I was the God and around the table came so many people to congratulated me and I bet more than 10 thousand dollars on 23."
"And it went out again?"
"No! This time came out a вlооdy 13. Do you realize that I had the bad luck? I had in my hands a lot of money and if 32 came out I was settled for a life time. But the horrid number 13 ruined my evening and the hole week after."
"I understand you very well. It ‘s really to eat the ваlls."
The other friend, continuing to chew louder:
"What do you think I’m doing?"

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Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Money jokes God Jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes Friendship Jokes

There are 5 birds in a tree.
A hunter shoots 2 of them dead.
How many birds are left?
2 birds.
The other 3 fly away!

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Men vs Women Jokes Men jokes

A teacher walks into her classroom and turns to the children and says, Today kids im going to ask you what job your daddy has!
She turns to the first child and says, What job dose your daddy have tina??
She replies; he is a carpenter miss.
The teacher turns to the next child and repeats the question... The child says he is the head of a multi-organic food chain.
Very good indeed says miss.......... She turns to the next child and says.
What job does your daddy have Robert??
He replies... He's a male рrоsтiтuте miss; and demands 50 quid.
No,No,No your lying to me Robert i can tell!
Ok then miss you got me i confess.........................................
He plays rugby for england but im to ashamed to say!!!

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Sports Jokes School Jokes Kids Jokes Food Jokes Men jokes

3 Drunк men get in a taxi, the driver knew they were drunк so he started the car and turned it off. the first man gave him the money, the second man thanked him but the third man slapped the driver, the driver surprised that he noticed so he askes why and the third man replies with ¨why did you drive so fast.¨

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Car and driving jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

A man goes to a job interview. His resume was fantastic and his qualities was perfect for the company. The interviewers were impressed.
"You are a strong candidate, and we would like to hire you. However, there's this 5 years gap in your resume. What were you doing during that time?"
"I went to Yale"
"Wow great! You're hired"
"Yay, I got a yob!"

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Office and Work Jokes Men jokes

My friend Chuck, after searching for months, found the perfect place. Family neighborhood, garden/lawn, etc. The problem was, he has a dog, and the landlord specified “No dogs. ” Rather than go on searching, he decided to go stealth, and not tell the landlord about his dog (a golden retriever). All went well for months. Except for one thing: the family that lived downstairs had a rabbit that they kept in a cage in the garden area. One day, the father of the family walked into the garden to find the dog scratching at the cage, trying to get at the rabbit. He immediately went to the landlord and complained. The landlord threatened to kick Chuck out. But Chuck, being quite persuasive- and punctual with rent checks- convinced the landlord to keep him and his dog. On the condition that that Chuck keep his dog out of the garden area. Months went by with no incidence. However, his girlfriend stayed home sick at his place one day. She, not knowing the garden rule, let the dog out. Chuck came home and, to his dismay, found that the dog wasn’t in the house. He opened the back door, and there at the steps was his dog. Dead rabbit in mouth. Needless to say, Chuck panicked. Not wanting to face certain eviction(and possible jail time), he took matters into his own hands. He bathed the dead rabbit, вlоw-dried its hair (OK he was desperate) and carefully placed the rabbit back in the cage. Natural causes, right? Nothing happened. After an excruciating week, he finally approached his neighbor one morning on the way to work. “How is everything? ” asked Chuck. “We’re moving ” replied the man. “This is a sick neighborhood. ”
“Why? What happened? ” replied Chuck. The neighbor replied:
“Some sick ваsтаrd dug up our recently deceased rabbit, washed it, combed its hair, and put it back in its cage. “

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Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Friendship Jokes Stupid Jokes Dog jokes

Scientists have just announced today that Dolphins are second to man in intelligence levels.
So that pushes women down to third place.

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Jokes about Women Men jokes Sexist Jokes