Skip to main content
A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, “Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.”The biker pulled over and said, “Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.” God replied, “I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things and the work needed is just too intensive. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.” The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said,
“God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she’s thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing’s wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.”
God replied:
“You want two lanes or four on that bridge…?”
There is a book called Disorder in the Court. These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
Some of these are excellent ...
What is your date of birth?
July fifteenth.
What year?
Every year.
What gear were you in at the moment of the accident?
Gucci sweatshirt and Reeboks.
So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
Yes.
And what were you doing at that time?
She had three children, right?
Yes.
How many were boys?
None.
Were there any girls?
How was your first marriage terminated?
By death.
By whose death was it terminated?
Can you describe the individual?
He was about medium height and had a beard.
Was this a male, or a female?
Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
All your responses must be оrаl, OK? What school did you go to?
Oral.
Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
The autopsy started around 8:30 p. M.
And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him.
What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
He said,
"Where am I, Cathy?"
And why did that upset you?
My name is Susan.
Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
No.
Did you check for blood pressure?
No.
Did you check for breathing?
No.
So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
No.
How can you be so sure, Doctor?
Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere
Anybody get a random вiтсh phone call? Oh, you know what I mean. The women that found the phone number, then call it. This woman called me up, talking about, 'Look, I don't know who you is, but I found your phone number in my man's pocket. And you better not be fooling around with my man.' So I said, 'Honey, I don't know who you is either, but I'm gonna give you a little woman-to-woman advice. If you're having a problem in your relationship -- you think your man is cheating on you -- that's something you need to talk over with your man...' So I woke him up, gave him the phone and let her talk to him.
One day a man walked into the doctor’s office to find out the results of his annual check up.
“I’m not going to beat around the bush Mr. Smith,” said the doctor, “There is good news and there is bad news. Which do you want to hear first?”
“Tell me the bad news first,” replied the man.
“Well,” said the doctor, “the bad news is that you have only 48 hours to live!”
The man suddenly starts to sob uncontrollably and eventually says, “Oh my God, what am I going to do? Is there no cure for what I have?”
“I’m afraid not sir,” replied the doctor, “I’m sorry but you will certainly not last more than 48 hours.”
“But I thought you said there was good news.” asked the man.
“Oh yes,” replied the doctor, “I nearly forgot to tell you! You know the beautiful nurse at reception when you came in?”
“Yes!” replied the man.
“The blonde in the tight white uniform?” asked the doctor.
“Yeah,” replied the man, beaming, “the one with the big t*ts!”
“That’s right,” said the doctor, “The good news is I’m shаgging her!”
S addam Hussein and Bill Clinton meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When Bill sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddam’s chair.
They begin talking. After about five minutes Saddam presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Clinton in the face.
Confused, Clinton carries on talking as Saddam laughs.
A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again Clinton carries on talking, not wanting to put off the вiggеr issue of peace between the two countries.
But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the privates, he’s finally had enough, knowing that he can’t do much without them functioning well. “I’m going back home!” he tells the Iraqi. “We’ll finish these talks in two weeks!”
A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Clinton’s chair and prepares himself for the Yank’s revenge.
They begin talking and Bill presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. Clinton snickers. A few seconds later he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Clinton roars with laughter. When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens. Clinton falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.
“Forget this,” says Saddam. “I’m going back to Baghdad!”
Clinton says through tears of laughter, “What Baghdad?”
One morning a wife told her husband that she had a dream of an angel telling her to wish anything three times will be granted to her on the spot. The husband laughed at her and said,
"Don't be silly dear, nothing like that ever happened" The wife tried to insist that it was not an ordinary dream, it was just like a really angel speaking to her. "OK" said the husband "lets try this one. Lets have our house full of ваlls" Unbelievable, the room was full of ваlls hanging from everywhere, from the roof, the walls and on the floor. "My God" said the husband "I'm very sorry my dear, I shouldn't have ignored you on the first place. But you know, we have left with two more wishes” he continued, "But first lets get rid of these ваlls from the house" Then they started picking the ваlls but whenever they pick one the other comes over. They continued for hours and hours without any success until they all became exhausted. "Listen my dear" said the husband "Since we are left with two wishes, lets use one to clear the ваlls from the house and we will use the remaining one very wisely"
"It is all right, since we have no other choice" replied the angry wife. "Let all the ваlls disappear from our house" wished the man. "Oh Lord!!" cried the man, "look here my wife, my ваlls have also gone" The wife looked at him and said "Don't worry dear, we still have one wish left, just wish for your ваlls to come back!"