Men jokes - Page 181

A crippled man who was paralysed can walk again after cells were transplanted from his nose to his spinal column.
I’m pretty sure if they had waited till he had a cold they could have had him running.

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A Taliban was sitting in a cave when he hears over a dune the voice of one American solider:
"One American solider is better then 10 Taliban fighters" so the Taliban angry sent over ten of his high-ranking soldiers. After a lot of gun fire and yelling and screams of agony the Taliban heard the voice again. "One American solider is better then 100 Taliban fighters" So the Taliban sends over 100 of his highest ranked soldiers sure of victory. After a lot of gun fire and yelling and screams of agony the Taliban heard the voice again. "One American solider is better then 1000 Taliban fighters" So the Taliban sent his toughest, meanest, personal guards over the dune. After hundreds of bullets fired, and explosions and the screaming and crying, it was over. The Taliban now wondering what happened goes over the dune where he finds a wounded Taliban solider who says "don't send anymore men it's really a trap there is really two of them!"

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Men jokes Military Jokes

I'm not a manly guy, I'm not one of those guys like, 'Oh yeah, let's go eat some ham on the воnе!' Further illustrated by the fact that that's my example of what men are doing.

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Men vs Women Jokes Men jokes

A married man’s prayer
Dear God, you gave me childhood and you took it away.
You gave me youth and you took it away.
You gave me a wife………. Its been years now, I’m just reminding you.

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Marriage and Family Jokes God Jokes Men jokes

An old pensioner is hobbling his way home through the red light district.
“Hey, Handsome, how about it?”
“You’re joking,” says the 90-year-old, “I just can’t manage it any more.”
“Ah, come on,” says the whоrе, “it’ll be really nice.”
After a bit of humming and hawing, the pensioner goes along and when they finally get onto the whоrе’s bed he rides her like a fuскing god, giving her multiple real оrgаsмs and wearing her out. She can’t believe it when he finally shoots his load and gives her a break.
Wow, old man, says the whоrе, exhausted, that was such a great fuск. And you said you couldn’t manage it any more?
Oh I can still fuск, Honey, says the old geezer, it’s just that I can’t pay.

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God Jokes Men jokes Old People Jokes

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby. So he went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that when the preacher’s family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After 5 or 6 children, this started to get expensive so the congregation decided to hold a meeting again to discuss the preacher’s pay situation.
As you can imagine, there was much yelling and bickering. Finally, the preacher got up and spoke to the crowd. “Having children is an act of God!” he said.
In the back of the room, a little old man stood up and in his frail voice said, “Point of information … snow and rain are also acts of God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.”

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Religion jokes Marriage and Family Jokes God Jokes Men jokes

Women still make 76 cents to every dollar a guy makes, and then we get told, 'Well, you chicks aren't good in math.' Well, you know why we're not good in math, Mr. Boss Man, Mr. Associate? It's because we know that things aren't equal.

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Jokes about Women Men vs Women Jokes Men jokes Math Jokes

What happened when the man fell in love with his garden? It made him wed his plants!

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Men vs Women Jokes Men jokes

Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.

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Jokes about Women Men vs Women Jokes Men jokes

The man who reads out the football scores has died.
His funeral will be tomorrow at 1, his wake 2.

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Men jokes Sick and Death Jokes

I suggested to my wife that she should buy a taser so that she could stop men trying to force her to have sеx with them.
I was shocked when she actually took my advice.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes

This man is at work one day when he notices that his male co- worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in “fashion sense.”
“Yo, Bob, I didn’t know you were into earrings.”
“Oh, yeah, sure,” says Bob sheepishly.
“Really? How long have you been wearing one?”
“Ever since my wife found it in our bed.”

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Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes

A man gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and shouts, "Honey, I just won the lottery! Pack your bags!"
The wife says,
"Great! What should I pack for? The ocean or the mountains?"
He says,
"I don't care! Just be out by the end of the week!"

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes

Two friends were walking home after a party and decided to take a
Shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of
The cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from
The misty shadows.
Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel,
Chipping away at one of the headstones.
"Holy соw, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath. "You
Scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you
Doing working here so late at night?"
"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"

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Office and Work Jokes Men jokes Friendship Jokes

There was once a king who had a majestic daughter, he was extremely protective of her that he made a rule that no man is ever to approach his daughter.
In the kingdom there were 4 men that were completely lost by her beauty and wanted to lay with her. They decided that they will disobey the king's ruling and kiss her. At night fall they plotted to sneak in to her quarters and execute their plan. Night fall came and they all broke in an kissed the princess.
Pleasing to the princess she moaned in pleasure alarming the guards. The four men were held and brought to the king. The king decided to put them to death but the princess pleaded for them and the king decided he will release them on one condition. They must go out to the wilderness and return with 7 fruits.
Excited with such an easy escape they rushed out: out of the 4 men 3 returned the 1st had 7 apples, the 2nd with 7 pears and the 3rd with 7 grapes.
Becoming impatient with the 4th man the king said let's continue with the punishment, he told the men that in order to be released they will each have to fit the 7 fruits into their mouth.
The 1st tried with his apples he manged one but couldn't fit the others and was put to death.
The 2nd desperate to live manged 3 pears but couldn't fit the others and was put to death.
The 3rd easily popped 6 of the grapes in his mouth but with the 7th he burst out with laughter and spit all 7 out and was put to death.
Before he was put to death the others looked at the 3rd guy and asked:
"What went wrong with you, why couldn't you fit 7 grapes in your mouth?"
He replied, "Of course I could but I just lost it when I saw the 4th guy coming with 7 watermelons."

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Food Jokes Men jokes

A man visited the doctor.
" Doctor, I have terrible flatulence, I have it all the time.
"Please undress so I can examine you, " said the doctor picking up a long pole with a brass hook on the end.
"My goodness doctor what are you going to do with that!" yelled the man.
The doctor smiled and said: I’m just going to open the window up there.

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes

Man, no one can рiss you off like the one you love. You ever notice that? Oh, I love my girlfriend, but sometimes I want to grow old with her just to watch her die.

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Dark Humor Jokes Men jokes

Jimmy was a young man who knew his straight-arrow corporate executive Father would get furious if he knew he used LSD. So he hid his supply whenever his Dad visited him.
One day he drove up to see his Father's Porsche parked outside his home. His Dad was there! And he had left LSD sugar cubes in the kitchen! And his Dad loved coffee! Jimmy ran into the house and expected to see his dignified, distinguished, impeccably dressed Father in his very expensive suit, perfectly tied tie and gleaming polished shoes, ready for a lecture. His Father NEVER used drugs and did not even drink. But he wasn’t there.
“Dad! Where are you? Did you put sugar in your coffee?” yelled Jimmy. Then he went into the living room. There was his Father . And an empty coffee cup on the floor.
“DAD!” cried Jimmy. His formal financial executive Father was sitting cross legged - and rocking gently back and forth in the middle of the floor. He was barefoot. He was no longer wearing his business suit. His Italian shoes and briefcase were lined up neatly. And his dress socks, glasses, wallet, belt, car keys, Rolex watch and cufflinks were in a pile. He was wearing one of Jimmy’s own tie-dye T shirts and ragged jeans. His $2,000 Armani pinstriped suit, silk tie and white shirt were on the floor - and he was using gardening shears to slice up his own clothes!
“DAD! You’re tripping! You took my LSD! You’re destroying your business suit! Stop!” yelled Jimmy. His dignified, well-dressed . What had he done!
His Father looked up with a glazed stare. “That’s nothing. I have a REAL problem. He said he likes it!’
“What?” said Jimmy. “Who likes what?”
His Father said:
“HIM! He said he likes my suit. And he said he wanted it. He told me to sтriр. So of course I DID! And he wants my tie. And shirt! NOW! He said I was too uppity! Too arrogant! So I have to make them fit for him! He will be VERY angry if I don’t do it right!” And he tore the satin lining out of his suit jacket and chopped off the legs of his suit trousers. “And he demanded my shoes and socks! He LOVES my shoes! But how will I make them fit!? Help me! He’s WAITING! Don’t you understand! He even wants me to drive him in my own CAR! I will be his driver!”
“WHAT!! Who is demanding all of this? WHO!?” cried Jimmy.
His Father stared at him with his glazed eyes as he sliced through his $200 tie. “Who? The two foot high troll with the three headed dog on a leash in the kitchen! Who else?!”

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Men jokes Dad Jokes

A man walked into a bar with a banana on his head. As he served him, the bartender said,
"Look, I don't know if you realize this, but you've got a banana on your head."
"That's okay," said the man. "I always wear a banana on my head on Tuesdays."
"But today's Wednesday," said the bartender.
"It's not, is it?" groaned the man. "Oh no! I must look like a complete idiот!"

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Men jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

What do men have in their underpants that women don’t want on their face ?
Wrinkles.

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Jokes about Women Men jokes Sexist Jokes