Men jokes - Page 232

A man goes to the hospital for its brain scan.
According to the results:
In his left brain no one's right
And in his right brain nothing's left

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A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag. “Our flag symbolizes our taxes,” the man said. “We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them.” “That’s the same with us, the American said, “only we see stars, too.”

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Men jokes Political Jokes Friendship Jokes

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.
While attending a Marriage Weekend, My wife and I, listened to the instructor declare, ‘It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other..”
He then addressed the men, ‘Can you name and describe your wife’s favourite flower?’
I leaned over, touched my wife’s hand gently, and whispered, White Wings Self-Raising Flour, isn t it?
And thus began my life of celibacy………:
- )

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes

How many Stalinists would it have taken to change a light bulb during the first 5 year plan?
None, for if the light bulb needed changing then comrade Stalin -- the most wonderous man alive and the embodiment of all that we Marxist-Leninist-Stalinists hold dear and aspire to -- would have foreseen the fact that the light bulb needed changing and so organized the 5 year plan to replace the light bulb before it needed changing from the vast stock of light bulbs which the plan had produced -- stocks in excess of the amount originally planned, for the workers were inspired by their love of Stalin and the Socialist Motherland to work harder and produce more, using less!

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Office and Work Jokes Men jokes Political Jokes

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on cliffhangers.
The librarian says….

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Men jokes Double Meaning and Wordplay Jokes

During the mating season a whale couple was trying to get a pregnancy started. They were interrupted by a whaling ship that tried to capture them. They resorted to running away and hiding behind a reef but the whaling ship kept looking for them.
The male whale got upset and said "This is too much. We are going to retaliate. I have a plan", he told his mate. "Let's swim under the whaling ship and with our вlоw holes вlоw hard and make boat rock. When the sailors fall into the ocean, we can swim up and gobble them up? What do you think?" he asked.
She looked a bit bored and said,
"Well, I don't mind the blowing but I won't swallow any sеамеn."

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Men jokes Double Meaning and Wordplay Jokes

Man: He must be so happy!
Woman: Who?
Man: Your father.
Woman: Why?
Man: Because he gets to see an angel everyday.

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Jokes about Women Men jokes

Two guys went to a gas station that was holding a contest: a chance to win free sеx when you filled your tank. They pumped their gas and went to pay the male attendant.
“I’m thinking of a number between one and ten,” he said. “If you guess right, you win free sеx.”
“Okay,” agreed one of the guys, “I guess seven.”
“Sorry, I was thinking of eight,” replied the attendant.
The next week they tried again. When they went to pay, the attendant told them to pick a number.
“Two!” said the second guy.
“Sorry, it’s three, said the attendant. “Come back and try again.”
As they walked out to their car, one guy said to the other, “I think this contest is rigged.”
“No way,” said his buddy. “My wife won twice last week.”

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Men jokes Sex Jokes Stupid Jokes

PONTIAC stands for Poor Old Niggеr Thinks It's A Cadillac. BMW stands for Black Man's Wish.

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Men jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes BMW jokes

The guy, in his cups, was lamenting to the bartender that he met his wife in a house of prostitution. “You shouldn’t be so unhappy about it,” the barkeep said, “it’s actually real romantic.”
“Oh, yeah?” responded the man. “Well, I thought she was home taking care of the kids - and she thought I was bowling. “And to clinch it all, the madam wouldn’t give me my money back and refused to give me another girl!”

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Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Kids Jokes Men jokes

A man was showing his friend a new set of matched golf clubs he had just bought.
"Doctor's orders," the man told his friend. "My wife and I have been gaining too much weight and we went to see the doctor about it. He said we needed more exercise, so I joined the country club and bought myself this set of golf clubs."
"What about your wife?" the friend asked. "What did you buy her?"
"A new lawn mower," the golfer said.

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Sports Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes Friendship Jokes

A man who found himself speaking with a Nigerian accent went to a doctor with much angst having heard that there are people plagued by a fictitious condition referred to as 'Nigerianitis'.
Having mentioned his concern to the doctor and the possibility that he might have the condition the doctor retorted , 'Son , Do you find yourself smiling to yourself for no reason ? ' , for which the man replied yes. Into further inquiry about the man's worry the doctor then asked 'Do you often find yourself wearing flowery multi colored shirts' for which he also replied 'yes'. The Doctor then proclaimed with a gentle sigh 'I dont think you are suffering from Nigerianitis , you might however have a mild form of Ghana-ria'.

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes

A surgeon was checking on a patient who had a hernia operation three days before.
The doctor asked the man why he had not gotten out of bed. “I hurt,” the man said.
“You don’t know how it feels.” “I know exactly how it feels,” the doctor said. “I had the same procedure last month, and I was back at work two days later. There’s no difference in our operations.”
“Oh yes there is,” said the patient. “You had a different surgeon.”

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Office and Work Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes

Look, I understand you can't smoke cigarettes in a hospital room -- I understand that: it's bad for you, blah blah blah. But, America, we're beginning to make it illegal in bars! I mean, who is concerned about their health in a bar? Exactly what's the complaint on this one? 'Excuse me, Mr. Bartender-Man, I am trying to get drunк so I can drive home and have unprotected sеx with some sкаnк I just met tonight -- this guy's blowing smoke in my face. And some more deep-fried cheese, when you get a chance.'

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes USA Jokes Sex Jokes

After I won the local pub quiz last night two gorgeous blondes came over to me.
The first one said, “We find intelligent men incredibly hot and sеxy.”
The second blonde said, “Do you know what three way is?”
I replied, “Yes, it’s the name of the dog in Hart to Hart.”

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Blonde Jokes Men jokes Masturbation jokes

A little boy named Charlie complains to his teacher, "I'm too smart for 1st grade!". The teacher then goes to the principal with Charlie. The principle first asks some questions:
3 x 3? 9
6 x 3? 18
6 squared? 36
The principal is impressed by Charlie's intelligence, and allows him to be in the 3rd grade. The teacher responds "HOLD THE DАМN PHONE!" and asks Charlie some questions.
What does a соw have 4 of that I only have 2?
Harry then says 'Legs'
What is in your pants that is not in mine?
'pockets'
What does a dog do that a man steps into?
'pants'
What goes in hard and comes out soft?
'bubble gum' (SHAME ON YOU!)
What does a man do standing up, a woman sitting down, and a dog on 3 legs?
'shake hands'
What word starts with F, has a U and C in it, and ends with a K that means heat and excitement?
'firetruck' (SHAME ON YOU!)
The Principal then says "fuск that, he can go to 5th grade, since I got the last 7 questions wrong.
(Shame on you!)

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Jokes about Women Dirty jokes Men jokes

A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his head out the window to check. As he did so, a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from just in time to notice a young woman looking down.
"Is this yours?" he asked.
She said,
"Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed.
On his arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. Because she was very attractive, he agreed.
Shortly afterward she said,
"I'm about to have dinner--there's plenty. Would you like to join me?"
He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal.
As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said,
"I've had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?"
The man hesitated then said,
"Do you act like this with every man you meet?"
"No," she replied. "Only those who catch my eye."

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Jokes about Women Men jokes

A woman went to a market in Mexico and very loudly and obnoxiously demanded a half a melon. The clerk told her politely that the melons were only sold whole, but she continued to rant about only wanting a half melon. The clerk excused himself and went to the back of the store to talk to the manager.
Not realizing that the customer had followed him. He told the manager, “A loud, rude, and obnoxious woman wants me to sell her a half a melon.”
He instantly realized that the woman was right behind him, and quickly aded, “And this nice lady wants to buy the other half.”
The manager cut the melon in half, sold it to the woman and, as she happily left the store, he turned to the clerk and complimented him on his quick reactions and his calmness under pressure.
“I am opening another store in Veracruz and I think you would be the perfect man to manage the whole operation,” he told the clerk.
“Veracruz!” said the clerk, “Who would want to live in Veracruz? There is nothing there except baseball players and whоrеs.”
“My wife comes from Veracruz!” responded the boss.
“Oh” said the clerk. “And does your wife bat right-handed or left-handed?”

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Jokes about Women Men jokes

Can you spare just £2? Ali is a 24 year old Muslim man in Pakistan. He has one leg, one arm and one eye. Each day he has to ride 7 miles for water along a narrow road on a rusty bike with веnт wheels, no brakes and only one pedal. If you send us just £2, we will send you the DVD it’s fuскing HILARIOUS !

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Men jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes

“Could you look after my house for me while I’m away?” said my black next-door neighbour. “Feel free to use the phone. I know I can trust you not to abuse it.”
Fucking racist … just because I’m a white man, he assumes I’m honest and can be trusted!

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Men jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes